Brain fart #429

Sense of all sensibility; locked your heart around a pretty thing. Foolish fool who dares and drinks; slipping through this reality...

Change my mind...

Change direction;

Change your clothes 

& fail to mention...

Changes happen;

Change is good...

Changed men charged with

Changing the World.

...pulse beat; electricity. Setting off a million bursts of chemistry. Neurons fire off like the pistons in an internal combustion engine. 1-2-3-ready-&-GO!

Synapsis harden into memory; wired in for eternity. And recalling it in time will strengthen the line & feed more electricity & chemistry into the Great Machine

Cheery

My Heart

I gave

With all my 

Hopes & my Dreams 

Packed in real

Tight

My Heart

Sits

It is waiting

For 

Love to arrive

My Heart

Tries to

Be good 

Yeah

It sure fucking tries

Despite countless

Rejections

and

Ridicule

Undetered 

It still friggin 

Tries

Someday

My Heart

Will beat its

Last Beat

Of Life

Still hoping 

And waiting

And fucking TRYING

It dies

Alone

Unnoticed

For

6 goddamn nights

Positively NOT a guilt trip of any kind. {Honest Injun}

I lose you...

I lose me too;

The me you knew,

Y'know

True Blue

The Me once known

Who tried to show

His heart of gold

His feelings, told

Could dare grow old

...with you. 

True Blue

Bet my whole stack

Held nothin back

So sure of this & that

You would never ever act

Like this & like that

Like its been more & more 

Than

Not. 

I know. 

It's sad. It's true

My 

True Blue

So go, if you feel

Forget what's real 

The path we lost

The hearts crossed deal

Go on

Go

I love you still

In memories & lucid dreams

You'll find me still

Quite

Waiting

For you

My

True Blue

Would it hurt less or more...?

Down below the crowds hoot & holler

While I get sick on the cliffs above

I've lost that last bit I clung to

My sense and sensibility, my dream, my love.

If I take 3 steps forward will this go away

1, 2... The wind makes me sway. 

I hear the happy normal everyday people in love and happy  and living their happy normal everyday lives 

Why can't that happen, why can't that be me? 

When will I find someone who won't give up on me? Why does everyone leave? 

Happiness is fleeting, joy never lasts. I'm so goddamn sick of feeling when it's just feeling sad

Alone. 

I found one who was all I've ever wanted or needed and who is like no one else I'm sure

But she finds me lacking some one little thing which she says is the only really big little thing that means

Well

Everything

It's her deal breaker she says tho it somehow only seems to matter now

She says she can't talk to me and that she's sick of talking things out with me. Calls me an ass yet says I'm so nearly perfectly perfect for her

She says

But she feels lonely , alternately all the time only sometimes. 

When it will have more effect or if god forbid I

Bring up how it's been perfect & quiet & joyously joyful of late

Yet

Suddenly it's all everything and everything's on me

My fault. 

My blame. 

My failures and I'm so frustratingly furisome and she ever and Always

So completely perfectly Purrfect

She knows I won't complain too much And take all the blame with very little fuss Just one more step

One quick Leap

For mankind and for me

And the pain will be over

And it'll be over for me

My fragile heart

I wish my heart didn't break

So goddamn easy

As if any good came

Wishing such things...

If I was maybe more stoic

Maybe Less sensitive 

A lil bit firmer holding my line

Lowered my expectations a squidge...

Perhaps if I was only 

Less like well you know

Myself

My heart would be less

Scarred

And I'd just be less

You

You are my Heart

I love my Heart

I love you. 

I cannot live without my Heart

I cannot live without 

You. 

Puzzles

Sell me on that dream like parachute crazy idea

The kind we used to scoff at when we were in the midst of it

In the heat 

in all our passion

In the moment

When we

knew our place amongst the stars was reserved and we were headed there

Fast. 

Bite the bullit that pierces my flesh

Hold back the great flood filling up the flood gates. 

Ensnare me you woman

Temptress with eyes

That I lose myself in constantly

Perpetually I find

I've lost grips with reality

I have lost it all in my mind

The sad sad sad truth of me

I need nothing denied

{fml}

I was sitting down in the harbor, writing; this lady walks up to me asking if I want some peanut butter...

"No. Thank you." I say & smile. "I'm fine"

"You're not homeless?" She sounds surprised. I can tell she's been crying. Her eyes belay a pain close to boiling over... I regret not taking her peanut butter. She obviously had wanted to help someone & wasn't sure how to deal with my non-destitute status.

"I have a bunch if other stuff if you'd like. I don't need it. I'm going to kill myself tonight."

...wtf? This just got very real...

"Excuse me?" I ask, putting my notebook down and looking at her. Her eyes dart around avoiding me. "Why would you want to kill yourself?"

"I want to be back with God and I can't stand living anymore" she says resolutely. 

"If you kill yourself you don't go to God, you know"

"I believe I will" she says matter of factly,"He has put me through a lot the last couple of years & I don't want to live anymore" and she turns and walks away...

I get up and start towards her as she gets into a car and drives away, ignoring me shouting "hey! Wait a sec! Hey!!" 

I go to my car a little further down. But by the time I get started & back out she's gone.  I drive around looking for her. Gone. 

FML. 

[Right?]

Right now right now

The apple of my eye the

twilight of my troubled youth

She hangs on. Dances. She

wants control...

Moves on from me like I 

said she would not so 

long ago

Right now Right now

The cynic in my heart hates that

9 times pulled apart from 

10 times I keep trying 

Again

The world The girl won't 

Disappoint

That cynic bares the mark 

Of knowing

Too too much

And right now he hates himself...

Right right now right now. 

I'm spinning words to form a thought

To shape ideas from little dots

To spread the word

I miss you so

Right now now NOW Right now

You read them

And then 

What?

[brians axiom #1]

If you think I'm being serious, most likely...I am joking around. But not always...

And if you think I'm joking, I'm probably being serious. But again, not always. 

This axiom applies even to the axiom itself.

[that certain time]

it was twilight mellow yellow afternoon

& the sun spread wetly across our faces

hinting muted pastel hues

we'd never see again

it was midnight cold hard blankets storm

never see the daylight

freezing dark 

and our breath exposed in the air

death so close to where we were sleeping

when it came to close it was hard to get leaving

tho I'm told you know it's still part of the bleeding

now your eyes so cold and the heart I once loved 

said no more no that's enough

I'm done with the feeling

[pocket change]

fools who let fly

but what a fool am I 

changing makes difference

differences deny

a want is an absolute 

a pedigree of thought

become happiness become joy

be happy with what you got

[duck, duck, ...goose!]

now I've lost it; maybe forever. was it ever really found; perhaps on the day when your spirit went away... time we left it in the ground. perhaps once the fog gets lifted; perhaps forever means no more. was it you? was it me? was it ever meant to be? too much speculation, too soon to be ignored. dancing buck-assed naked on that wedding dance floor. 

[Midnight in the Garden]

It's midnight in the garden of a hope, a dream; your eyes...

The detritus of my hearts affair with Love; now thrice denied.

It's midnight says the grandfathered clock we lay to rest...

In the garden where my Love once lay her head upon my chest.

The bells they toll, the chimes still ring...

Become this gardens own heart-beat.

It's midnight and I dare not sleep...

For what this garden holds is Me.

It's midnight in the garden 

Of what will never be.

[octa]

The differences between riding the bus in OC vs. any of the plethora of other places I've ridden public transit is astounding... I don't know why, but try it sometime & be sure to pack mace

[philosophical mumbo jumbo]

there are things we just KNOW

like which way is up or how to keep breathing...

we may not know the right words to describe it, or 

what exactly IT is, 

only that IT is or that it exists...

it's a terrible thing, to know but

be unable to share or even understand it yourself...

to summon every sense & cognitive ability you can muster...strain all mental capabilities...

and have only a billion ideas of what it is not...

you can sense it before you, it's so obviously there

yet it takes someone who knows you

and knows of it too

to put it all together,

into perspective,

help you to know what you knew that you already knew that you know...

you know?

sharing makes things real

removes a thing from the realm of the mind & puts it in the physical world where the one it's shared with exists...

No more philosophy today

[of an unknown color]

I want to look into eyes & see inside them all the billions of stars & rainbows & happy-joy-joy feelings that are knawing & flapping in my own heart & guts reciprocated...to know absolutely that what I feel is felt by another, & that they too have longed for this & are happy as I am to find them as they are to find me...

It's accepted that we share this, we trust in it & each others belief in it & it's rightness, because we understand each other, and our desires are the same & so become one & the same... 

[dramatica]

when faced with a feeling<br>

confronted by noise<br>

pausing in the doorway<br>

take that last look...<br>

should God call<br>

or country<br>

leading the slaughter of boys<br>

will you pause in the doorway,<br>

will you ever look back?

[tremble]

Tremble now before the World

tremble 'cause it hurts

Saffron mist now blown away

eyes no longer glazed 

She opened up but kept the Babe

crushed & pulverized 

stewed & flayed 

Tremble now, body shakes

But her...

She now belongs to the World

[gutters]

Rain rain - come 'n play

Let them raindrops wash me away

Wind wind - howl today

A sudden gust blow me away

Thunder lightning - every bit as exciting

...there's me outside, alone, & smiling

sensing 2

take a moment soak it up live and love and know no bounds feel this body radiate shake and shudder and know no other