[uncanny]

but first..
is it all worth it?
i know im not the first one to look at things the way i do. nor is my outlook unique. but the answers they all offer never seem to fit. square pegs in round holes and such. they offer guidance with the assurance of "ive been there before" but this is my personal hell and thus no one could have nor will ever be here. i am utterly alone in this. no one can offer petty advice that wont seem cheap and more for their own benefit, as if to say, "hey, man, im trying to help". and yes its nice that you're trying but if you cant really help than just shake your head and say you dont know. or dont even bother asking me whats wrong in the first place. thats were the general trouble with other people starts is when they pretend they care and ask you whats wrong and if you honestly answer them you get those "you're a fucking nutcase" looks or they go off about how they themselves have been having a shitty week because they think one of their multiple girlfriends is cheating on them and how the other one is starting to suspect they are. does this help me to answer the impending question? no, goddamnit!
but i stray. but atleast it helps to tell how social interactions do not help when dealing with such thoughts. no one i know really takes the time to get to know someone so that dealing with another human being is always shallow and trivial and can strain when more important matters are pressing. or maybe i just dont give a fuck enough.

...and now:



[in parenthesis]
tut!-tut!-be silent or be still!
all these lightbulbs------------wasted!
but, oh!
if looks could kill.
would that danger pranced to the
tune of the tulip-dancers clogs.
on bored-board-walks
suspended
FIFTY-EIGHT!!!stories over
desert wasted-land (home)
or if meaning hung like mistle toe;
schemeing tongue of the neighborhood
whore
often wondered in fragment sentences
using big-lofty-words; no ones ever heard
since the ending cries of the
Crimean War
tut-tut & a hush-hush to ya'
baby
on one likes a tattle-tale, is what
you're telling me?
hardy-fuckin'-har-har
oh so boring minds compared to...
great big bombs of boredom
never failed.
faith in other times...
but, oh!
if looks could kill...
instead of pills
a force of wills
apple pie on a window
sill
then i'd be the Man
for sure!
and listen to my a-bombs
purr

[inspiration]

[see it; fuck it ---no, not literally...]

gathered up strength & pulled it right off (i think; i hope; it
certainly appears so...)
spending way too much time these days (more & more, i think),
i feel ---just trying to explain this thing to those who
really -DO- want whats best for me (even accept by blasphemy,
that is: doing what i feel; not just disregarding their input
& ideas...but telling them to take off & shove it; "better
learn to love it!", i say in my daft deft way...
bending them over backwards, hands tied ---feet too! blindfolded, gagged,
naked...for what? for YOU?!? that's the kind of shit i abso-friggin-lutely
LOATH that you do ---when it's me it's being done to
i become such a thing! oh, i disgust me!
but if i refrain and speak straight ---say some lame, vain perception
how it's all "really great", with little to nothing to substantiate
such a claim...
i watch their eyes roll (like yours often do) & i know what is coming...
the mere thought of it now is so...
utterly MIND-NUMBING!!!
&, as it's oft to do at such a moment as i describe: i am reminded of
you--- your misleading,your half-truths, & your out-right LIES
you do not brave the perils which i speak of here-in...no,
you don't even make mention of me to your family & friends...
they hold some bitterness, some animosity towards me you say but never
describe or say why; just that you are too scared to be under their
critical eye; judging you, feeling sorry for you, even being angry at you
for being what they deem a fool...
no, no, no...not once have you even TRIED now have you?
stood out, with & for; the heart full of feelings you claim are for me
is for me; all for me...
but it all depends on your constantly changing mood-swings
and only seems to be when you need something from me
when your ego's been built up, when you're on top of your game
you blindly, dispassionately, unknowing & uncaring -ly cause me
immeasurable pain
escalated by my flailing reactions to this mind-boggling hurt ---it only gets worse!
or if i play it cool, like i don't give a shit; just like you...
well, then you impose so distorted view ---