[blunder]
had an itch and kept on scratching
' making noise, so now im asking
whats the deal these days with passion?
an involintary action?
like when you drink and end up yakking
you & i end up combating
& it starts off a chain-reaction
sends me home to sleep it off...
but now im bored and im not trying
my brain is slowly liquifying
dont want to think about her crying
but i never got to see her trying
i start shaking---feel a fever
think a drink will make me better
feel my pulse and its electric
thoughts of mine become ecentric
i pray and hope that someone gets this
okay, i pray that you dont get pissed
because forever means no finish
i grew up---yeah, i like spinach
chain-reaction sends me home to
sleep it off again

Best News I've Heard All Week:
{Math Proof That Girls Are Evil}
girls take up time & money or,
girls = time x money
time is money, therefor:
time = money
so
girls = money x (money)
or
girls = money2 {money squared}
and if money is the root of all evil, then:
money = v/evil <--my best attempt at a square root thingy
then:
girls = (v/evil)2
or
girls = evil

it looks better written out...

[loose lips sink ships]
they are guarding the streets with assult weapons
while we shop. looking for presants
for our loved ones.
they are guarding the money.
they eye us suspiciously
they have armor to protect
themselves
from us
they are afraid
they are afraid of us
when did they
stop being us?

[run lola run]
its cold...getting colder
death in the alley
dead of winter
i want to tell you things,
i do!
but saving it saves you
its a struggle to tell the truth
cautious enough to use up
all restraint
no leading on any farther
forget the old man with the untied shoelaces
he's no good you see. better to face it
now
NOW
now that the moon, day to day, gets even smaller
and smaller
run
hide
just RUN AWAY!
save yourself, please?
now - before it gets to you
now - because you still can
now - break the ties that bind you

[make]
made this deal with the devil
she promised me the world
she layed me down in her bed
made of flowers
her blue skin flashes when she screams
i asked her name and she never answered
didnt know that it meant something to you
im past the questions
im into the answers
im digging for something
but i sometimes forget.

[just the 2 of us]
maybe it's better...
...to what?! to forget her?!?
---i was hooker the day i met her!
now you what?
...i upset her.
tried so hard to stay together
but we never tried
together
we worked so well when we worked
together
...as strange a word as 'forever'
---ive never seen forever
last more 'n week
together
not ever

[harmony had it]
so much gets disturbed by some
issue with words; wrong ones,
foul ones. some you call
stupid
and some that build up
walls---the kind that always fall.
crashing down around me with the
faintest lil' smile
pressed upon those lips
pressing hard against my own
stealing all my heat
& my moisture
sucking me dry
leave me to linger in the sands
back to the desert, holding hands
whistling a tune thats stuck inside my head...
doo-de-doo-de-doo doo doo. doo-de-doo

close those baby blues
slowly count to ten
forget just after 8 or 9
...smile for me again?

[BAH!]
how many times did the church bell ring?
i was told by my shoes that duty called
they want another favour, they want Dignaty
dressed up-paraded 'round the mall...

why do i feel like gravity is killing me?
let the devil drive, he knows the way home
craddled in my arms i want her to be
buried in the ground is where you are

[aqua-me]
i beg to speak but only bubbles form
underwater
the muffled sounds & blurry vision
i close my eyes, lay
underwater
so many nights spent
underwater
or right near the surface
barely peaking out from
under water
swim to the bottom
thats my problem, bouyancy
id rather be
underwater

[XMIT]
cool my jets on something liquid
give a nod to minor passions
illuminate whatever that is
draw me a picture, lets talk about it

strangers known some time before me
processed on the bathroom rug
squealing, moaning ---beg for more!
put it in a letter; we'll talk about it...

this is an emergency
transmitting on all frequencies
im lost, im fucked ---oh, somebody PLEASE!
rescue me from the Mad Machine

is there anybody out there
any one but me,
myself & that other guy...
i
yes, i think thats it
quick
its dark and im getting sick
sick of this shit
fuck this
i dont wanna talk about it...

self-realization
my penis is like a retarded little brother;
driven by curiosity and a need to be hugged.

[the fool with a smile]
im running in circles
tearing everything
apart
my head up my ass
&
my ass doesn't care
bullet-proof, manicured
aire of resistance
to the recommended daily
allowance's
wit all of its
amendments
polished off
& wax resistant
like a child, so fast
so persistant
acknowledge something
i dont care what
admit your faults
confess to God!
leading on that you will
SAVE THEM
with all your mental
masturbation

no on e sho ul d tel l yo u w hat y ou be liev e

[rotflmao ii]
nothing kept
the offer made
the pigeons wept
for all who came
as sad affair
as old eyes see
the tragedy of it all
lay hidden
in the scene
obscure remarks?
-i guess, but
who says?
try to -hardly
works best if less
obscene.

[branded]
someday i will lose control; that sense of
self -myself-; & then
i'll fall.
from higher graces & a better stasis
from which we are all
absolved.
sure of this as sure as
anything. a better night
-wake up!
the sun, it brings
a taste of love, however
fleeting...
the only thing that keeps my
heart a' beatin'

lost
i found
a meaning to use
its alright
yeah, its okay
for now.

{!}
...like a midget in a urinal
i'm gonna have to stay on my toes


.

[this;that]
arteries that fee my monster
exsistence is what follows after
the fading light that drives me farther
its my life; its my disaster

severed head in hands so Holy
understood what god had told me
never knew ---how fucking boring
surest bet on the hand yer holding

like to think; need to know something
watch you dying in slow motion

[driven in by piles]
craping out on a slab of concrete
need a moment, if you please
Hollywood is on the streets
making up this vulgar scene
remenants of a life made up
a casualty to this brutal love
give me more-its not enough
'yer so damn cool';---yeah, so damn tough
what is seen is a TV screen
dressed to kill democracy
hold my hand while i slowly bleed
save a piece from the Mad Machine
15 minutes, thats it! your done
foolish lambs stare at the sun
Hollywoods' been over-run
write it off, have some fun

[false prophets]
fall asleep!
-you're just a whisper.
cut brutally from every picture.
scattered to flames
& winds
-so many times, so many
did.
in view of every single moment
the best there ever was, goddammit; we own it!
selling god
like fruits & roses



& the mind can stray when the
heart is tied; it seems only
over night. back next day - like
cattle let to range.

[the under-cover pigeon]
in the tender womb of the Queen of Hearts
with the Devil's Man & a deck of cards
the Offer made; now there's just that other part...
a broken groom seething shattered stars
his fertile bride
lays sleeping
underneith the yard

there's a House of Mirrors where the mind belongs
it might be said 'a tad naive';---but thats wrong
like the sunny side on the west end of dawn
two sugar-cubes meet & are gone---!
out there dreaming 'bout the other side of
the freedom in a song

she percolates out of a lovers bed
removes an arm to extract her head
...& then she walks away from him!
the sky's turning blue and her eyes are red
remember all those things we did?!?
have to laugh, so often did
just cant friggin' help it
she starts to run; her soul's been fed.

[signal]
...and we talk, back and forth
in radio-wave patterns
10 degrees of digestion for
every little noun
but i Holy-ily believe in
lost time & of caverns
that place in your eyes
that shakes with every little sound
under the tree's, lay on the grass
& your crying?!?
gave you my heart; ' made it bleed
& i - see - you - smil-ing

[hot]
bashful, hot lover; caramel queen
mean what your saying and
say you want me
bent over backwards; both in heat
and in jest
figuratively-literally
at the foot of the bed
unlock the secrets with the hooks
of your dress
whole body beating and
clenched tight as a drum
drenched in sweat; as if swimming
each breath biting in lungs
exhaled past your voice box
which brings music to my ears
the sound of your moaning
the taste of your tears
wild and spinning; the earth moves in sway
to the pushing and pulling between you
and me
is this how you see it?
tell me, now,
does it feel good?
my minds eye is harlot,
my brain is a whore

...c-span2 update...
a bunch of politicians deliberating for hours
about who would be politically appropriate to
nominate
for the various Nobel Prizes...

[what?!?]
well, just answer me one question
what is it you love?
the tired faces filling up
tired days
like a skipping record
's been skipping since 10-years-ago
when push comes to shove, tell me
what is it you love?!?
i doubt even you know!
your emotions, your tools
you use
in your game. applied with
the pressure
of your ultimate aim

[drink the honey from my lips]
yellow transmittals of blank, empty
space; sent for cause of reaction
that screams for attention. well, sorry
honey; not today.

[what you say]
i taste the ill-famed apple-
of-your-eye that tasted
a little bit like strawberries.
but i havent had any strawberries,
not for a year at least.
the daylight, i think, hates me
because im handsom, says his inner
drag-queen.
put me in a magazine.
i could be in a magazine,
maybe if i was seventeen
again.
so what if all thats good is rotten
so what if i dont care
apathy is all love's begotten
guess that means i care

[bold]
can you feel the hunger?
is it deafening?
your stomach growl
a freight train
long & hot on a still dead night
the anxiety in waiting
between a rumble & a roar

[down by the river]
beat me down when i was standing
tall
left me bloody down by the river
if that river could carry me away
wash this body clean
if i thought for a second
id let that river take me
down o the ocean - way out to sea
goddamn these emotions,
they're killing me!

[...]
tremble, you shake
til the night turns to dawn
all the reasons you made
up
are all old, dead & gone
trying being fruitless
& selling your time
they dont want a person
& they sure as hell dont want
your mind

[post]
the stench of sex stains
innocense;
the jagged tooth stuck in
my heart.
i could have been...
something,
but i fell down & couldnt get
back up

[bottom feeder]
every fibre in my body
every morsel of my soul
screams at me out loud from want
of something
i guess
i dont know...
form eloquent & quite useless words
thru my chapped lips & with no real point
to the empty walls of my room & board
for something
i guess
i dont know...

i once had a head and i
loved it too much
it would beg
to be fed & i
loved it too much
i would take it out & i
would tease it with touch
it loved to be played with
& i loved to play with it
& i
im afraid i
loved it too much

[mediocre attempt]
what do you want from me?
please tell me
specificly{sp?}
im not an idol to be worshipped
im not an ideal to be held
tho i do like to cuddle when
my mind starts to swell
my passion lays inside of that mind
its not very obvious and not very
kind
to others who try
like hell sometimes
but just see me as blind
over pretensions and
ALL
absolute's
but i wouldnt mind a shot
or two
with a little vermouth
it could clean me like the morning
sun
when i woke up
to me
alone

[stranger still]
the cat lies in direct sunlight
while i hide my face in a shadow
you treat me with your words
in quotations
as if you want to say something
well, then
say something
i can give and give
im quite capable of that
but whats the point
everyone walks away

[words are like daggers]
truely i am sorry if my words i sent to hurt you
found there mark and drove it home
with the point of my heart

[sober,what?]
so much for good tuesdays, things quickly turned bad
and you wouldnt surrender, on top of all that
she told me a story. i made it my life.
when she got all self-righteous.
i knew i was right.
so i came here this evening, cashed check & broke heart
to tell you im leaving - but just to my car.
somebody someday should tell me
what i dont want to know.
ive got no more to say to ya, baby
i gotta go.
i gotta go.
she told me how her friends say she should leave me to die
well she did and she didnt, depends from which side
she wronged me so often, but its easy to start
from the first lie she told me
when i gave her my heart.
so im drinking my whiskey; but i still miss your kiss
maybe someone will miss me...and find me like this
and just maybe they'll tell me
what i dont want to know
ive got no more to say to ya, baby
i gotta go.
yeah, i gotta go.

[polaroid]
drawn through the eyes of an old faded picture
wrapped in the gown of a stale wooden dream
i think that i saw -somewhere high above greenland
a reflection of someone quite alien to me
the thousands of roads ive been told would be open
to me
all of them blocked, successfuly -im in
quarentine!-
and im getting quite dizzy
from this constantly spinning
around & around & around & around...

referandum 'b'
im working hard on this problem,
dear. and im menatlly digesting
all of it. or, maybe im just plain
mental. but,
repeatedly you've spoken
about this glorious, long-lost
past.
just after we had first met and
for a while after that.
but i keep dodging some point
that thing that you speak of
so i thought that i might
just
try telling you why
i dont want to go backwards like
a drunken parade
this time that you talk so
enamorously about
at great lengths
while the words spin me round
disorienting me.
was when i had to
each morning
tell myself in the mirror
"dont get too attached"
due to all of the crap surrounding you
a rival lover
a troubled soul
a spotted past
-all of the 'crap'
this picture-perfect honeymoon-scene
you describe to me
when rattled out of MY memory
is when my heart was just mine
& nobody else's
you kept saying
"its okay. its love."& "just trust it."
and i was drowned in the waves of
a strongly felt passion
i was so goddamn afraid
---no, no; i was
terrified!
but you said
"its alright its alright its all right"
babe
and i
i believed in your freckled eyes
i gave myself fully
to
trust-love-believing.
okay so that thread was cut
by you
i am very aware of the
silly things people do.
but i cant carry on till this thread has been
mended.
and my trust is renewed
in you.
and my feeling have been tended
to.
im trying hard to hold on
way beyond
what most people say i should do
too!
help me
baby
PLEASE!!!
trust in me like i trust in you
trust in me
and from this baggage we'll be
free.

...shimmering light thru this darkness
by chance---
caught on a dew drop & cascaded down
like every one that still clings
to the rose in my hand...

[//:xmit v.2]
eyes of a seraphim
-shes a devil that one!
the path she leads me down
ive been down before
but, oh, that cherubic-baby-face!
-shes a devil that one!
she loves; gives me poison
she poisons my son
Arch-Angel---HEAVENLY BODY!!!
shes some kind of devil, that one!
if she knocked my front teeth in
it might make me cum!

[titans]
who is truth? where's honesty?
neither will run for the Presidency
fancy dressed marionettes
what we get instead
'how does this matter?'
cried, aloud, the Mad-Hatter
truth hides in shame because honesty got splattered
where has all the good deeds gone, un-rewarded
got stuck in a bi-partisan committee & thwarted
fools that sway almost any way
'think what i mean, not what i say!'
they even shot integrity
cant have that in the Presidency

[sometimes i get to be too much]
im sorry---so sorry, dear
i sometimes feel let down and i
succumb to this, The Fear
i kick and scream and curse and fight
atleast for the better part of the
first part of the night
meanwhile, later, it all seems so clear

yes, im trying to control these
wild outbursts of feelings of mine
with all these pills, all this whiskey
all this wine

[ill]
im sick in my soul
like im constantly dying
day in & day out
and even after 26 years, it
still hurts THAT BAD!
so that, i am paralysed.
with a faint shrug &
a sigh; i-
lock it all away
from you, the world at large.
i bow to make ready for my
emergency escape
"thank you & goodnight!"
i hear myself say
out loud
second door,
stage right.

[otra ves]
the night brought me mixed drinks
and feelings plenty. dined on the
atmosphere & the sure things
that we re there. a push in
the right direction, the
satisfaction of
my obsession.
left dangerously open, lying naked
like that. & the sight of your heart
makes me sad. never more than a
good idea anyway. just a thought.
as if wants could happen
& i'd be happy.

[woe is me part XXIII]
the familiar feeling of solitude
that ive nourished & delt with since i was
a young man
i ve thrown her out before
that i should find myself a partner
supposing i wanted more than just this
life of filthy words & the
private conversations that i keep
to myself
only to find i fail, like always
yes, its always me
my fault, my discrepency
my lack of heart
despite my holding it out for all the world to see!
i did the wrong
i fucked it up
& i am the one who goes now
off to be alone

[jungle rumble]
on a cozy concrete rooftop
above a busy city street
i watch the masses stirring about & all around
like busy little bee's
& when their paths cross or
intersect, in a multitude of ways
the abstracted flushed emotions
that everyone displays
they either:
laugh or cry
huf or fight
depending on some things
so i got down off that rooftop
it never was really mine
determined that i should find
the peculiarities that compose
the various human minds

[delusions of 'del']
remembering time passed in-
between sheets
probed by sensations & the
dark hum of electricity
when eyes lock tight
& clearly they can see
the past & future all rolled up in there
like a burrito just for me

[morbid distraction]
all this flesh, what you say is me
a pretty little flask carved out of meat
solely for amusement--oh yeah, thats me
the one inside a picture, tackling that tree
who gets lured in
by false sincerity
& somehow always offends & gets rejected by the
real thing
& who you seem to think is always being grumpy
whos peers can all agree
at least on one thing
he will always be a
nothing
yeah...
thats me.

[batcave:remembered]
violate my senses to the point
of suspension
sealing off every way to get in
my eyes go blank
pupils dialate
and then you can do
whatever you want with me
im just lucid not to be flaccid
its more than just a
filthy habbit
besides,
i know a worse one...
the torture/rape of all my
senses
has left me standing here
defenseless
a mercy kill now
just DO IT!
its far worse to let me go on
we've done that before
and i swore
"never again!"
so,
off with their heads!
so full of all them 'passionate feelings'
my heart is entombed while my brain's
on the ceiling
i know of no better way
to make it through today
but more than that
and far, far worse...

~Quote~of~the~Week~
"If I want excitement, I'll drink tequila."

[moo-oo-oo-n]
chasing after heaven's bounty:
---the moon!; it's beauty
so...
...captivating!
hanging low in the summer sky
it blinds! it blinds!

[you signed off]
we burned away the fever with those
hot & sweaty nights
painting vivid pictures where our smoke
hit the blue lights
we described in ornate detail
all the scars we have from life
& i lost myself completely
in the beauty of your eyes

but knowing just aint the same thing
as feeling pain & pleasure
oh god!--i hope tomorrow brings
more hospitable weather

remember all the good things
forget all the bad things
they just get in the way
and foul up the memory
like getting high
sniffing gasoline
remember to smile
some times just because
you may call it denial
others might call it love

...dooode...
....sean. where have you gone?
i dont know where you work anymore
and your cell phone's been shut off...
there's a 'bond' marathon on tv
dr. no's on...from russia with love's next!
i heard you and stacy are finally getting married
congratulations, my friend.
where are you buddy?
ive got a beer waiting for ya...

[cee]
i still have the spider-man thing you had me stick on my tongue
see? who said we never had fun?

[on the record]
can i still love you
for the record
i will despite if you say no
ive been foolish, ive been greedy
i am a dirty little whore
i get fucked up if i feel nervous
i get fucked up if i feel fine
this path i chose is reckless
but i follow every line
with a shot of something liquid
that warms me up inside
but this way is mine...
& i never thought it was
a good idea
for you to live this life i lead
but im selfish & i cant say no
besides, i like you next to me
yeah
i only thought of me...

but now you're driving off
out of here
and im left here
all alone

i picked this path a while back
it was a conscience decision that i made
see life, so-named, seems
unacceptable---or atleast that way to me!
all my friends they are my enimies
they think that i am really strange
they think that im quite stupid
or maybe mentally deranged!
but i will never change for them
no, ill never change; never change!

im so glad you've got your brother
quess we'll stay in touch that way
just maybe when you're ready, baby
you'll drive back home to be with me

[exile]
no one really cares about you
you sad, pathetic little man
you
said what was in your heart
while they took you all apart
broken is how they love you
a beaten man is what they need
your love's a cheap commodity
this town is full of boi's like you
now your just looking for someone
to treat you like you do
so how about a nice fat line?
a nice OD, pushed to ICU
until your DOA in the
OC
lol
muthafuckas

[?!?]
what can i say that i havent said
1000 times before
you do what you want or feel or
whatever
i can applaud you at that
its all well and good
unless
it directly contradicts what
atleast i thought
was understood.

so what am i supposed to think
or do?
its always been not up to me
but YOU!


...


fine!
fuck it! i give in!
im sick of feeling all this pain!
im going back to being numb again.
im just not going to give a fuck!
about
anyone
or anything.
like i used to be...
or i tried atleast...
but thats good enough for me.

[take these soft hands]
daylight-creeping ugly as i drive without my head
i dont know what i could be thinking
i guess i must not have been
tomorrow's always peaking pretty around another midnight
binge...
sitting here in damn-near-coma space
with my artificial wind blowing my superficial face
im hungry for an animal;
a wild beast beyond control
plays with me
wont let me go
but intoxicated i guess works best
beyond the four-walls of this
my head
with purer thoughts & uncut sin
can once again
take command, offering veiled redemtion
valid in the eyes of they who know the why...
there is that thing that i feel i must follow
the guiding lines & pills i swallow
my faith is faith that here's always tomorrow
another goddamn glorious day.

[word called wise]
a brief flash of light
starts the fire inside
the hurt may be pure
but there's sin in those eyes
just laugh at the notion
of some grand design
HA!
dont feed on all that bullshit
it fucks you up inside.

[o]
oh- but its a wicked world
on which we feed
the mounting, horrid atrocities
& dirty deeds;
on the TV...
for the love of god!
...what a silly thing!

[retro-genesis]
so you know how
on a dry, briskly cold day
like late in the day
the suns warmth bouncing back off the snow
then slowly a cloud passes
eclipsing the sun
dark as night
and the cold hits back five times
harder
and you look up to that
maker of the day
that companion of comfort
shielded by some bothersome cloud
an annoyance
that still sucks.
but what if that cloud stays all day?
what if it lingers too late and
that cloud steals all that warmth
so that the day slips away and
when the sun brings back light
with its heat, life
it shines on the cold, frozen carcass of a teenage smoker who's parents were convinced he just went on 'nature walks' and bought him a book on the subject.
a facinating book, really.

or something...

[the bottom-est line-ish]
why did you go on that trip to the desert?
you say you didnt know him,
thats why you said you left him.
so what possessed you to go out there
with him?
you knew what you were doing
didnt you?
you took to that bottle pretty well
for your "first time".
then suddenly your naked
pulling him down on top of you.
you dont want to go away untouched
do you?
you offer your secret
he had to say no.
dont you see???
he couldnt let you disrespect such a thing.
no,
you cant
when you love that very thing.

[ celebrity you ]
so damn dependent on these chemicals
they pick me up & help me talk to
other people
ive got a reason if you've got a line
it might not be living
but it helps to pass the time
so not that bad
just dissatisfied
with this wicked world and this
failed attempt at life
place your judgements
you don't fuckin' know!
it just feels so good
and yes,
i DO say so
c'mon lets hurry
hurry
up
& go

[ms.understood]
remember that time when
we laughed at him
for thinking he meant a little
more than he did?
he read into these words through his
own self-importance
not stopping to think that
there's a little more to this
yes you had a part in that
yes you occupy my mind
but the 'you' in that story was just
a third-person 'i'
I
am the dumbass

[ well shit on me ]
no matter what you try do do
yer screwed!
and your pain and your happiness lies
intertwined
like two lovers drunk on wine
tho, they feel it in the morning when
they stand before another day
all scratched up and butt-naked
primative and beautiful.
and here you are
facing your life's future like a
road traversed by 1000 speeding cars
well, im having car troubles
can i hitch a ride with you
sorry i dont fuck strangers
even tho you're cute.
the open skies that shower down light
on an unsuspecting pair one night
feel the vacuum of it pulling on all sides
put your head down, walk that fuckin' line!
and oblivious,
like this
you tread that rough pavement
in your own goddamn head when
that car you didnt see comin'
runs your dumbass over.

========//=================

to the girl who showers my room
in her
beutifully scripted
and descriptive
words:
love is for real.
~{~@
happy 6 mo. e

<3

[eyevee]
...guess your mind's made up
you just have to hate what you dont love
so cruel with words
you stab at me hopping it hurts
i too in kind
i sometimes say what comes to mind
but it doesnt have to be
it doesnt have to be so blind....
i'll go outside
lite up a smoke & start to cry
but i'll pretend
it was only smoke burning my eyes
whatcha doing now
you wont even return my calls
are you calling it quits?
its all my fault, huh? now is-nt it?????

i want a lover but i need a friend
a little meaning to the shit thats in my head
im getting drunk now just because i can
im a better lush than ive ever been a man
ive got a reason if you've got a line
it sure aint living
but
it helps to pass the time...

VIIexveeeyeeyeeyeAUGHT'5

[ oh Sophia ]
what we know & the stupid shit we think
we know
or think we thought we knew
a brilliant mind; a lofty soul.
but oh---!
what an appetite for... well,
anything. like a headache, it
passes.
full speed
straight
a-
head!
the obvious, so far not apparent
to the eye of blind anger
pushes off those hard earned shackles that
bind
the heart, yearning to be free.
find an unused spot to lay
down & wait for whatever should happen

"que sera sera"

[i'm staying in tonite]
im not going anywhere
im gonna stay in tis room
i really dont like people
& i got shit i can do
im not going out tonight
no, not even with you grrrl
not even those sad, puppy-dog eyes
could get me to move
tonight
im not going to leave this room
AT ALL
ALL NIGHT
i swear this by the moon
im staying right here
& not just tonight
this is a new rule
the "hip" thing to do
until ive saved enough money
to once again move

[stawberry vodka]
purify my mindless spirit
in the spirits i imbibe
like a holy babtism in toxicants
to cleanse my whole damn life
wash me me clean of all my sins
and drink away all lies

[vegetinarian]
almost made it
nearly famous
bumbling little boy
initiate us
in that hell,
love
eat cheese thats made of
soy

[butt-hurt]
fighting in my brain again
dont know what she just said
and then...
when all the sex and all the drugs
cant put me right again.
try to shrug it off, i guess...
but its roaring in my ear!
drinking now to get some rest
& sleep is almost here.

[jeebus]
pulling out of this...
whatever this is. bare
as the day i was born.and
who knows?
i could emerge from out this
cloud
i wear to hide my appearance.
someday.
maybe monday.
but would you run from me?
if i expose my whole self unto you...
would you say goodbye to me
or will it
show me the
best
of
you.

[recovery]
everybody is always trying to
tell me what to do.
trying to.
but not you, my baby.
well,
why not you?
what say you?
what feminine twitch have you
got tonight?
oh?
not tonight?
tonight is my night
to bitch.
tonight is my night
and you're out with him.
interesting; very, very interesting.
atleast to that certain part of me
who i was back then
when
saying that you loved me
didnt come so automatically.
no,
you had to stop
and think.
looked at me hard and then
decided it was true.

[reckless abandon}
i get left here, standing reckless-ly
close to the edge. with a
bullet-proof vest and a concealed hand gun.
safety first!
when i finally recount the time it
took to write my first
love letter.
im amazed at how quality and i just dont
get real fucked up together.
she brings me a donut. i leave
flowers
at her car. but they never remain there
getting on towards the end of
the day.
a mind wound up tightly has been
let loose upon these
streets.
a decision must be made up
dont leave this shit to me.

[fast mass]
teething with the thought of it
angry, and im feeling you
drive it home the needle point
the needle's gonna pull me through
wish i didnt know some thoughts
like all the ones that hurt as much
as much as when im with you
hard enough to finish up
the path we soiled with ardent love
wish that i had more to do...

listen to the voices that are talking in my head
filling my mind with nonsense since i was but a kid
wash myself with terpentine just hoping to get clean
light me up a cigarette and head out to the street...

[parasite]
oh look, a lovely parasite
on his own, he cant survive
but if feeding on anothers life
not only does it survive, it thrives and thrives!
taking what it likes
intention in his eyes
if eyes belong on
such a lovely parasite

now here; a nice, plump facist disease
spreading yourself all over everything
infecting us when we breathe
inside, where its warm, it breeds
spreading through veins and arteries
on your soul it slowly feeds
devouring what it needs
to get to other beings
or living things
that wont be after they meet
this nice, plump facist disease

pretty little embyro
whatever happens, you should know
no matter what we love you so
even if you never get the chance to grow
or if you do and we just forget to show
and you in turn strike on your own
plant a seed
or see its sown
your very own
pretty little embryo



=========

hard is the way
long is the path
oh, god!how i wish
to get drunk
and fall on my ass

happy thoughts make me smile...
#121) asian business man driving in traffic singing along to mariah carey.
#122) the fact that i knew it was mariah carey.

\Eb

[1000]
but if everything you've ever known; was
all just a fantasy?
a thought
in a head somewhere.
trying to fuck with me...?
but those in the know know not to fuck
with me.
i cant take a joke.
no,
not while they laugh at me.
those people called friends
thru
some lapse in vocabulary.
and in my mind they are the same
they are right there with family.
a drain on my heart,
tempting my sanity.

they said those cruel, crule words
with painful intent. & i
wont show them anything
wont show it gets to me

i stumble and fall
and break into 1000 little pieces.

...and the band played on...?

the talk of the day is about the attempts in congress to eliminate the filibuster. this is yet another vicious attack on our constitution! doesnt anybody see this!? george bush says its for the purpose of maintaining a show of 'majority rule'. what?!? the constitution does not talk about majority rule. ANYWHERE!!! it speaks of protecting the minority from the majority. it talks of checks and balances. it talks of freedoms for the citizens of this nation. but lil george obviously did not read the constitution. he was too busy skipping class and getting dopped up. [i cant blame him, for i did much the same thing...but im not the friggin president!] in his tenure in office, little georgy bush jr has toppled or fucked with those three things so dear to myself and others. those things i could always think about and say, "goddamn, im glad to be an american!"
but its getting harder and harder. my one true joy left is my constitutional RIGHT to bad mouth my government with every dirty word in my vocabulary. my parents think that 'it will all be over soon. he only has a few more years and he's out of office'...MY GOD!!! thats what they said about HITLER! in his first term as president he took our enviromental laws back to the 70's, took our country to war, had the US expelled out of the GENEVA CONVENTION, brought back a reagan-style deficit, eliminated 15% of our civil liberties, and all by getting into office by CHEATING!!! in 3 more years, who knows what he could do! and lets not think that the Bush is the only one running the show. his pappy and rumsfield have had this whole idea mapped out since Iran-Contra and Ollie North. the republicans are not going to let go of the white house so easily. bush I got in after 8 years of reagan. and if a democrat does get into office, the republicans will spend the following 4 years nit-picking the lucky-shmuck about every little thing. making private affairs public. bush II has already over turned every major piece of legislation that the clinton administration was able to get thru between congressional hearings and inquiries. whereas the bush II administration ducks behind a veil of nationalsim whenever they are questioned about thier actions...another nazi-ish tie-in. there are documents KNOWN to have be seen atleast as high up as rumsfield detailing the torture of prisoners, there is question about bush I & II's ties to the saudi's---including bin laden's own family!, there are documents questioning bush II's time in the AIR-fucking-NATIONAL-GUARD, and the ultimate question: where's the friggin' weapons of mass destruction he was so sure saddam was working on??? not to mention what the fuck did iraq have to do with 9/11 anyway? werent they mostly saudi's???why arent we bombing Riyadh???
no, the democrats are to prissy to resort to the republican way of fighting, which is dirty. i hear they [the democrats] are going to gettogether and 'reorginize'...i also hear that they will get a little more conservative in an effort to win back the white house...
what a bunch of friggin meat-heads!
prior to the last election i wrote a letter to the democratic national comitee in which i begged them to stop leaning left in an effort to win the bastards who sit on the fence...who pander to both sides. they [the DNC] always do that! they are so afraid of seeming too radical! or too liberal! fuck! so was John Lennon! so was JFK! so was George Washington!!! every person who has been deemed to leftist for conventional politics is a friggin' model of what i consider to be great.

dot dot dot

i am running out of breath and my head is starting to hurt. i feel like the america i grew up in, that flagship of freedom! -has been taken away from me. i have read what i could of both the USAPatriot Acts [...in case you didnt know, number II went through about a year after number I, with less fanfare but more damaging...] and about 20-25% of American Civil Liberties were shelved on behalf of 'national security'. i also feel that those of you in the 'heartland' of America are to blame, along with the under 20 year olds [who just didnt bother showing up on election day]. you citizens who live between the Rockies and the Appalachian's...who voted for Bush II despite everything we knew after 2000...drink up while you can. your ground water is polluted with mercury, your children are dying in a foriegn country, your health care has been given away to illegal residents, and your rights have been removed. america has been defiled, our grandfather's weep. the squatter in the white house is using the constitution to wipe his ass and he's laughing his odd-shaped-head off.

-bd

[*]
salivating waiting for a phone call
hesitating baby not at all
opinions are for suckers to be swallowed like lemons
shot thru the mouth of some wide angle camera
spooned into hungry mouths baby force-feed
spell out a problem with some paper clips
drop me a line grrrl if you got a sec
im laying down by the railway station
waiting for just one thing
the enivitable
the crushing defeat but it never comes
and instead i find im sleeping beside her
wearing nothing but our clothes
no barriers or problems that cant be dealt with, words
that can set us free
dining on the greatness of you and what you are in my eyes
my opinion
which the only other thing i give two fucks about.

...feeling kinda lazy, so...
for more goodies check out this

[last night]
the mean blue lights of disco,
baby
im holding out my heart,
bubble-wrapped
goddamn, and she says she loves me
while we're getting busy
in the sack
she's short of breath,
im dangerous!
am i ok or
am i moving too fast?

hold on to me
lets find out whats real
and everything else
will fall away

[fuck me III]
i havent the time nor the
state of mind. to
dwell over these things being
shoved before my eyes.
like the girl coming over to
play with me
after she gets some other poor sap to buy
her them drinks
not me
no, no
thats not me!
or how about the victim
who swears they did no wrong
and wonders how a God
could've let this go on.
standing in the tattered evening wear
that once cost a fortune
but like the innocence lost
morality tear's.
fool of a hypocrite, you know
you're not worthy
to stand before God like that
you're a man
you are dirty.

[ priceless ]
im hot and im bothered
im stung by your bee
to the much needed/ loathed
soft-side in me
words that do hurt
when its not what was said
but rather the manner in which it was said
suppose i stopped my heart
as it were a casual affair
could i go on living
knowing what was but
is not there...?
a heart, weak
a sore throat
a pain in my gullivar
im sayin
goodnight.

[ feel this ]
it lingers for a moment
hangs tight inside the air
brushed away like a bad smell
& scattered to the night.
precious words roll like thunder
she shivers in the cold
dance with me all goddamn night long
then hold me like a kitten.

move with the words, the sound of the rythm
so many heart-beats sounding in tune
i think that i may be in love with this moment
but darlin
i know
im in love with you

[dribble]
i paint
this picture,
etched upon
time.
i fracture
the
over-head
moon
light
into many
other
me's.

[permission]
to be allowed
to do the thing.
that wonderful
thing.
that which makes
me.
who i am
& want to be.
to be
the thing
that's me.

[flight school tragedy: death of a dirty pigeon]
hey YOU!
you dirty pigeon
you.
you filthy fiend
you.
they killed
you.
dead
you.
rotting corpse
you.
poor, poor
you.
you mangy thing
you.
rat with wings
you.
dirty, filthy, mangy
rotting-corpse
you.
poor, poor dead
you.
you dirty pigeon
you.

[ rain drops cover tears ]
if your cold,
& you want to,
we could find some place
to hide.
away from the crazy people
who
hound & torment you;
who
look at you with
prying eyes.
wrap ourselves
in body-heat
wash away the fear
of
all those trials &
tribulations;
denials &
expectations.
...to find our solace
in the place
of a
tear.

[warning-bell]
i'll tell you what i think
if my thoughts can blow away
disappear like a dream each morning
part the clouds to show me
BLUE SKIES!!!
an open mind shall kindly show
the Way.
i'll show you the world as i see it
everything, the up's & down's
the river valley's and the rocky peak's
all the color's & all the shade's
the road thats mine i kindly call
the Way
...
...now that the warning bell didn't
warn you. i am a verbal deviant.
uttering useless, non-descript statements
describe, in detail, my own true madness.
as to blind you as to what i meant
and hide away my Real Big Secret...
the years have kindly kept it...
the road could not but help it...
feign i'm narcaleptic...
washed in antiseptic...
all i have left is
this.

[yeah, YOU!]
in a dark, cluttered hallway
you sit
mumble nonsense to yourself
soaked in those deep, dark feelings
sorrow, pain, remorse, and guilt
you hope someone will see you
save you
from yourself
because, of coarse, its not your fault
you just want what
everyone wants
a little sunshine to themselves.

[goodbye great-grandma]
the gone days of youth
&
youthful thinking
expired
as soon as i
saw
the Truth.
long before the pubic-hair,
changing-voice,
and female cares;
in a chapel---baby blue
my first corpse.
someone i cared about,
someone i knew.
in those playground days
that number was a precious few.
it hit me right there
as i stared,
trying not to stare.
i walked up the aisle
from out my mother's hands
looking at death
square in the eyes.
a child of maybe five?
death looked at me
and winked.
"it's not your time yet,
laddy. but someday we will
meet."

we can either sit and wait
for death
in our office chairs,
lay-z-boy's, bucket-car-seats;
or
take each moment as it comes;
as something precious
before its done.

[#1]
drink up to help you feeling down; laugh as all your feelings drown; into dust & city pipes; atleast, for now, you feel alright; tomorrow will bring problems of it's own; sorrow, i'm sure, will be #1; but tonight needs me sedated; completely shit-faced and fucking wasted; just so i might get some sleep; i don't want to feel a goddamn thing.

[aw, shucks!]
im feeling rather short of breath and
my
heart is pounding in my ears.
kind of like all them goddamn voices
i
keep locked-up inside my head.
my body's numb but,
yet
tingling from
the top of my head to the tip's of my toes.
a sensation felt usually
with
the extacy i know.
every second it builds more & more
& more...

swallow me in those darling eyes
wrap me in your arms to die
let your smile get me high
& never, EVER!; say
goodbye.

[---/nevermind]
---
can you tell me? is it now?
before this moment sputters out
counting seconds that make up a decade
always end up falling down
always so full of doubt
but these moments make a lifetime
and thats what i'm about

~~~
nevermind

hey darling,
do you even notice me?
i'm sitting over here;
sitting on my bed
with you!
-vision from my dreams.
oh honey,
don't you see me here?
i'm trying so damned hard
to be so cool.
despite my first instinct
that is
to jump on top of you.
my baby,
my angel,
sweet love of mine;
would it help me at all
if i
turned on the light?
it might just be
its hard for you to see
me
way over here
in the dark.
sweet, sweet
Erin;
my love...
pay no attention to
anything
i've written you
above.

[yup!]
read what i wrote you!
these words
they're for you!
the bastard children
of
only me.
sprung from within my
mind;
like Athena
& twice as bold!
splattered
just then
onto this caring page;
like a back-room abortion
too late into its term.
grasping for breath while
its dying,
turning blue.
waiting.
waiting for YOU!
to touch the breath that
touched your lips
to be read aloud and
to touch said lips.
you mouth them as your
eyes
stroke the page.
to be so slose to those
lips...
to touch them,
tease them,
please them...
i'd give my dying breath!
a word cast upon
some
unsuspecting page,
grasping in this moment
waiting to be read.

[ my heart ]
sit breathing lightly as
the sun peaks up
and
stare at the beauty
as she's sleeping
in
my bed.
if i lean in
to kiss her cheek,
she smiles
'cause
she knows it's me.
from feeling nothing
to
this new extreme
of thoughts
and
emotion
like a normal human
being.

the coolest license plate holder...
"if youre gonna ride my ass
you can atleast pull my hair"

[ void ]
vacant is the memory
as the thoughts race 'round
my head
too many people all
gathered here
pulling at a piece of me
this one wanting something
and others wanting more than that
my attention
my affection
my hopes my dreams and
my direction
but i have but one desire
to live in peace with my
one true other

[ separation anxiety ]
mondays are always circled on my
calender of affairs
for reasons i dont care to discuss
right now
and last night i decided
that i should just fucking tell her
honesty in style...
waking up to the sounds of a ghost
that kept me up for years
like this one time a few years ago
i woke up to a lover's tears
love is hard when you got tears
breathing love away with tears

but this old man, well
he's a real pro
he's got it in for the
holy ghost
not from fear, his love is clear
wash away all those years...

hidden away with some other things
a shoebox tucked beneith the bathroom sink
i found it late
late that fall
hidden away with some mysteries
the images that let me see
i was never loved at all

[ old ]
see
she sits
and stares.
an old lady now
but not always.
her years
they ran away from her
with out her
noticing
with out
her
permission
and now
she sits
and stares.
at nothing
because
shes got
nothing
else to do.

[ its a hard knock life ]
i woke up this morning,
rolled over,
and made love to my baby.
then she had to go
and i had to go with her.
i was too drunk last night and
left my car in front of her parents house.
we stood,
making out in her drive way
the bird
that always shits on her car
koo'd at us from the bushes
singing the sweet song
of love.
she blew me a kiss
and handed me a box of eggo mini's
i hoped in my car
lit up a clove she likes to smoke
for myself.
and drove home to pursue my day.

[ pavlov's dog ]
i have waited and tried to think it through; but the more i do
the more it fails to make a bit of sense. ive discussed it with my closest friends.
my peer's, my advisor's, my confident's. but this was born of my own mind.
that twisted thing behind my eyes...running hot on Overdrive since way, way back in '85.
i was born an old man, an 'old soul' or whatever. throw in an over-active imagination, severe mental-health-deficencies, and a hunger to
KNOW IT ALL!!!
stir and let simmer for 10 or more -odd years. an old-soul-basket-case
who never sleeps because, when alone, he has to dream and dreaming can be some scary shit. let the subconscience of this burgeoning mad-man loose?
Fuck That and Fuck You too!
if im going to sleep its going to be with chemical assistance, thankyouverymuch!
a self-inflicted semi-comatose vegative state to kill the dreams that my brain likes to make. left to stand in the clear with these burning questions and the answers far from view.

[ rotf lmao ]
yup...just what it says

...or rather doesnt say

hmmm...

there is so much comedy in the world

GOD!

...i love being alive!

[ my baby fights my battles ]

FW: obviously you can't take a hint


----------------- Original Message -----------------
To: Dunabhra
Date: Mar 16, 2005 1:09 PM

so i will write this is to you
simply
to avoid more
confusion&contact


are you ready?


THIS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. NO ONE THREATENED YOU "FIRST"... NO ONE THREATENED YOU EVER...


if you are refering to this:

"
[can you say...]
i cannot change what
has
been done; the past isnt
important
right?
so why does my
blood
boil?
why am i swelling
with
rage?
i'd like to go down and
bash some teeth in
with my trusty floor-jack
bar of steal.
next is the signature
the knee-cap must go
yeah
i'm playing golf with it buddy
FORE!
i'd love to see a trend
develop here
people
all those who
are
the inexcusable
will be known for the very
noticable
limp
from the lack of a
right knee
"

... stop.

and stop assuming your ominous role in our thoughts...

you are pathetically frivolous... proven by your prodigal myspace gossip hunting & incessant note passing....

you just don't fucking get it.

stay out of my life, i promise i'll keep out of yours.

shoo fly, shoo.


<3 ~e



----god i love that woman!

[ bulge ]
lock eyes with the
fat-cat,
greedy, little monsters
gobbling up the freeway
like a natural resource
another new day of
rape
and pillage
cellular phone-tag
wars
with real bullets!
buying up humanity
to
sell it off
piece
by piece
laugh about it afterwards
over a nice, dry
martini

[...one last thought:]
the moment that we count as now
ever changing
full of peril
ups
and downs.
ecstatic joy
and pain; horrible, horrible
pain.
we roll with punches
we get knocked down
its how we deal with it
that measures a man
not his fists.

[ witty 116 ]
hey boy
youve got some pretty, pretty
words
hanging off your sleeve.
do you weep aloud? in public
places?
hanging out your thoughts
like it was laudry day
for feelings
for all the world to
critisize
that wicked, wicked world which you
despise
why bare yourself so naked to those
uncaring,
soulless eyes?
do you hope that they may
notice you?
shower you with their hollow words of
praise?
only to turn their eyes angrily at your
eager second try.
oh, you beautiful boy with that
motley collection of words
pinned on to your shirt
like literary pearls.

{quote of the week}
"whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
~oscar wilde~

...and a special thanks to Michael for his assist on Saturday afternoon...
thanks buddy...hope you made it to church...

...oh yeah?
a pot-smoking, ghetto-fabulous, christian pre-school teacher with fake boobs...

...say it 5 times REALLY fast...

[ pondering good thoughts ]

at the start of a new day
when the sun begins its crawl
until the grandfather clock
chimes an ending to it all
can i sit here with a bottle
can i give up to the calm
im sure that happiness will follow
if i can believe anything at all
well,
the sun is gonna rise and
cleanse this body once again
so sick of trying now that ive
got something i can
believe in...

[ the silent observer ]
breathe into me
a whole new life. to be
over-stated &
much, too much, too
under-rated.
like the power
of a lover's smile.
an attempt to warm my blood
im waiting right here
for you
yeah, with few inhibitions
maybe i can put
my imagination to use.
or i can scream,
'Damn the Torpedoes!';
fuck fear
and the truth.
how long has it been
since
we felt like this?
never, never
never before.
no care, control
or a desire to.
just you, my girl
just you.
my heart
made of ashes
and used paper plates
is yours for the asking
to do
as you please.

you dumb friggin swede...
i find it hilarious that you
can
assume your own importance
and
relevance in my world
to be so great.
why would i be angry
with you
i got the girl.

[pause]
last nite i saw something
and it cleared up
my head

[omg]
silly little things can
make me feel sweet
again
having their way
with me
and stay while im in bed
sleeping.
darling,
you know whats best for me
'cause you are that very
thing
so unexpectedly
you fit like a puzzle piece
right into my blue sky
and
right now,
i dont want to think
'd rather just let things
be
and live out this life.

[ running smooth ]

a well-oiled machine

[can you say...]
i cannot change what
has
been done; the past isnt
important
right?
so why does my
blood
boil?
why am i swelling
with
rage?
i'd like to go down and
bash some teeth in
with my trusty floor-jack
bar of steal.
next is the signature
the knee-cap must go
yeah
i'm playing golf with it buddy
FORE!
i'd love to see a trend
develop here
people
all those who
are
the inexcusable
will be known for the very
noticable
limp
from the lack of a
right knee

[ most especially today ]
oh my god!
these fuck-nut, dim-wit, goddamn yuppie shits!
driving around like maniacs
with kids!
SUV's like bullets in the storm
dodging the red-lights
with cell-phone side-arm
i honk at you, bitch
yeah, im talking to you!
you're husband is fucking his secretary!
he's a commission only martgage loan officer!
he's sold off your kids education
for a tax break and some blow!
GODDAMN!!!
goddamn you for making me this angry!

[pfff!]
i power out this shit
so
why cant i make
a dime
why isnt some
money-bag producers
calling me
saying to me
we love what you do
we love who you are
we want to exploit you
put your face on a hundred dollar bill
why?
because fat-cat money-men
handle the less aware
they're scared of me
they know i'd laugh in their faces
all the way to the bank

[pseudo]
rocking back and forth
on a train thats bound for paris
france
lost in the back
with my luggage in
limbo
i danced with the faery
of my solitary
nights
she dances
with sugar
i spiked with my tea
and the language barrier
was not even seen
four words and im hopeless
again
and she winks...

[b]
i was locked in a cage
with all this time on my hands
staining them red
as if blood from the dead
like a bird with clipped wings
how i wanted to fly
and the scariest thing
not once did i cry
at the ghastly things
that i saw that they did
brutal animal-fucks
they deserve what they get

[ spl-it! ]

with your hair in your face
you look pessemistic
would it help if you loved
and im sure that he does
in the moments we laugh
will you sit all alone
in the back of your home
you once shared with a man
who said he loved you back
but it wasnt enough
no it wasnt enough
for you...

crawling all the way back
to that place in your head
where we felt every touch
and he knew we cared
when you stare at the face
staring out from a mirror
do you want to laugh out
or make you want to cry...

help...

im finding harder and harder
to breathe
an everyday thing
that shouldnt take anything
but im losing the drive
im losing control
im lost and cant find my way home
carry me there
lay with me there
sleep

[pfff!]

drink away this
night with
me
im drunk and im horny
and have no where else
to be

[indeed]

...to the creatures of last night
who hung with the groove
thanks for the high times
we must do it again soon

[ lines ]
parallel lines running
parallel
up & down the street
they go
bright &
shiney
and a pretty yellow
parallel lines running
parallel

[ my life in words ]
can i scream at you
these voices
that scream at me
in my head
9000 screaming
voices
repeating over
and over
and over...

can i paint for you
a picture
would you love it?
do you?
i can spill my
heart in
ashes
lay it all out
for you
repeating over
and over
and over...

yeah...
you're life isnt meaningless...
...that is what im looking
for someone to say

[unreality}
so i misplace trust
in things that
misrepresent
all the solace we keep
in the things
that we speak
falling far from your
grace
and i wont repent
no i wont
repent
its this thing that we
hide
from ourselves
and
outside
but i guess
everyone
knows
but its you
and i
that
keeps it from being
true