...just a thought...
i feel as though ive lost a piece of my humanity.
the constant bombardment of 'unfortunates' bumming
for change or a cigarette has worn me down. i now
find myself getting angry at them, hating them for
making me feel guilty. no where else have i seen
bums work so agressively. running across a street
to pounce on some unsuspecting target. coupled with
the sheer number of 'unfortunates' here in portland,
i am assailed, pursued, and beraided as many as four
times (but never less than once) in the six blocks
i walk to or from school. multiply that by two for
each walk (to & from) and add to that the assaults
i endure each time i go out for a cigarette each day
(whether at school or at home, i am especially a
target if i already have a lit cigarette) and i find
myself being hammered by bums sometimes more than
TEN TIMES A DAY!!! normal methods of avoidance like
not making eye contact rarely work. i have even been
insulted and cursed at by someone asking me for money!?!
in san fransico the pan-handlers have a smooth & more
laid-back system of bumming change. they congregate
around the haight street mcdonalds, starting drum
circles and jams up in the park and leaving just an
open guitar case or a bucket open for people to drop
money in IF THEY PLEASE. rarely does one find the
abbraisive and constant intrusion that we portlanders
are subjected to on a daily basis. in san fransico &
in los angeles (and in most other cities ive lived in)
i often gave a buck or two, or whatever change i had,
to an 'unfortunate'. i have taken quite a few out for
a meal. before i moved to portland i spent every holiday
season working in a soup kitchen. i used to feel a
great amount of sorrow for those who could not care for
themselves. i have listened to them, each with their
own story of sorrow and suffering. yeah, some are just
drunken wastoids. some have no one but themselves to
blame for their situation. but i wasnt looking to blame.
i just wanted to help. in the first three months that
i lived here in portland i gave out an estimated $200
in change and cigarettes! i am not a wealthy man, i am
not impoverished, but i am not wealthy. i cannot support
some of my own habits, let alone those of others. so
why should i feel such guilt everyday because of these
innumerable bums?; with their dirty faces, starving dogs,
tattered clothes, and lame excuses. i wish i could help
everyone who needs it. i wish i could hand out money
at will. but now i find myself closing up, getting angry,
losing my humanity, feeling guilty because I CANT.
some of the pan-handlers ive talked to in the past,
when i asked them how they do it...how they can ask
a complete stranger to give them money for nothing;
they have all answered, 'it doesnt hurt to ask'
well, i say to you now...all of you bums, pan-handlers,
vagabonds, vagrants, moochers, hobos, and unfortunates:
it DOES hurt to ask. it just doesnt hurt YOU.
*yes, i know writing a blog directed, in part, to homeless
people seems rather retarded...piss off, i needed to vent.