Feliz De Día

When you look at me & it seems
like even your eyes are smiling at me

[magnificent]

in the twilight hours dream can I
seal the lavender factory in 3
feet of solid good intention pleas...
in silence...
in sadness...
in gods name, we must...
blame it all on that Big Yellow Bird in
that goddamn Hippie bus
he tried to make us learn something until I taught that bitch how to rotisserie
Hehehe!
alls well that ends up...
Well done!

[not a word]

...he cries out with his eyes red from tears, hidden now by the rain. And the rain coming down is the only sound, that and this old creaking house. It's groans & it grumbles, like his stomach, before it too gets humbled, falls silent at last. The sound of the rain reigns supreme once again...still no reply to his heart wrenching cry. Just the rain, & the house, & breathing out loud...

[gettingscrewed sans the fun]

How did we get here? And oh so shockingly fast... In love & happy one day (or so you said atleast) then you go do something horribly stupid & it's suddenly...gone. A dream that never was forever more. Next thing I know I'm being painted as some monster so the monster you let be your angels dad won't seem nearly quite so bad. And that
I can't quite figure out. Why do that when you were once so proud to be my girl and on my arm...we clear a path & baby we stopped some cars. Rubber neckers careening for a glimpse of you n me...
Why oh why oh fuck my life

[wow]

we met & i loved you for so many things... a slightly defeatist attitude with an air to persevere a fuck-it mind set i felt matched my own... and as we went through the motions spilling our lifespans i found that i loved you more than i'd planned as this love began to blossom you nurtured its roots we made plans for the future perhaps moving too soon perhaps but we thought that we knew and still everyday i found more & more i loved you then one day the Devil came calling for you and you let him in, baby, what did you do?! slowly each promise he made was broken even as you try to tell me each of them and his poison spilled into the very soil and even as i loved you, you believed more & more then just as i thought we'd made it through and all that was left was to keep loving you i found the demon the devil had made in the heart of the woman whos heart was for me who i loved and who'd once also loved me and the poison leeched further going so deep we started fighting i couldnt speak til you finally stopped loving me

[fin du monde]

Speak once, in subtle tones &
pray the end is near...
She callously avoids the turmoil
running in the air.
Faded & playing with myself
with a nickel & a dime
while watching the last parade
and thinking just in time...
Keeping distance from that point
& from me
ashamed of the reality situation;
Losing track of what might be
Some where at the end of the world;
That's where I'll be

[drawbridge]

Felt bad at home so I left to cry alone

Felix

transposed my very standing
substituted wine for beer
but my god this life's demanding
what I haven't had for years...
I never said I was fine with falling apart
I only said I didn't care
& if I did you didn't stay or bother at all
I only needed someone to care...
translated some understanding
dispossessed of all but a name
now & then I feel so demanding
like I did standing out in the rain...
I never said I was fine just falling apart
& you said 'baby why should I care?'
so tell me why did we ever bother at all?
...and I will tear this house down; I will tear down every wall...

[thoughts]

bring me down from my addiction
to face full force yours, raging from time to time...
but mine was SOOOO BAD, wasn't it?
as known thru whom? bad for who? me?
not friggin likely...!
for me beloved waste...no pain, no worries, no life worth living; but still MY friggin' choice! not something done unconsciously...remotely...like booze
and you...
you get a bit better & rejoice & lose faith...
atleast one won't suffer emotions my way!
atleast I was in control
...some how I think you know...

[wow]

suddenly
Amazed
More & more
Each day
Like a bucket of cold water
To the face
& all I can say is


Wow

[my luck holds true]

Thought I could shake it
Thought I could get free
So many thoughts
Swirling around me
Not gonna happen
Not with ease
Not friggin likely
Not with me

[hold]

save me once...
shame on you
save me again
&
I'll fucking KILL you!
nobody wants your heartfelt variety
the cute li'l smile you do
no one here cares how beautiful you look when you're sleeping in arms wrapped lovingly around you
it's not like anyone here gives a damn for your morbid sense of a life
Please
I don't want to love you
Why would I?

[whores]

Nameless, faceless; fallen one...
You change your name, your sex, your
Love

[looks like language]

It looks like language, has words & verbs & other parts ---yet lacking the most important: coherence
Symbols thrown about yet laid down with intention ---litterary Pollack in Print
Summon up my x-men power, cognition
Still can't read the transmission

[uncanny]

but first..
is it all worth it?
i know im not the first one to look at things the way i do. nor is my outlook unique. but the answers they all offer never seem to fit. square pegs in round holes and such. they offer guidance with the assurance of "ive been there before" but this is my personal hell and thus no one could have nor will ever be here. i am utterly alone in this. no one can offer petty advice that wont seem cheap and more for their own benefit, as if to say, "hey, man, im trying to help". and yes its nice that you're trying but if you cant really help than just shake your head and say you dont know. or dont even bother asking me whats wrong in the first place. thats were the general trouble with other people starts is when they pretend they care and ask you whats wrong and if you honestly answer them you get those "you're a fucking nutcase" looks or they go off about how they themselves have been having a shitty week because they think one of their multiple girlfriends is cheating on them and how the other one is starting to suspect they are. does this help me to answer the impending question? no, goddamnit!
but i stray. but atleast it helps to tell how social interactions do not help when dealing with such thoughts. no one i know really takes the time to get to know someone so that dealing with another human being is always shallow and trivial and can strain when more important matters are pressing. or maybe i just dont give a fuck enough.

...and now:



[in parenthesis]
tut!-tut!-be silent or be still!
all these lightbulbs------------wasted!
but, oh!
if looks could kill.
would that danger pranced to the
tune of the tulip-dancers clogs.
on bored-board-walks
suspended
FIFTY-EIGHT!!!stories over
desert wasted-land (home)
or if meaning hung like mistle toe;
schemeing tongue of the neighborhood
whore
often wondered in fragment sentences
using big-lofty-words; no ones ever heard
since the ending cries of the
Crimean War
tut-tut & a hush-hush to ya'
baby
on one likes a tattle-tale, is what
you're telling me?
hardy-fuckin'-har-har
oh so boring minds compared to...
great big bombs of boredom
never failed.
faith in other times...
but, oh!
if looks could kill...
instead of pills
a force of wills
apple pie on a window
sill
then i'd be the Man
for sure!
and listen to my a-bombs
purr

[inspiration]

[see it; fuck it ---no, not literally...]

gathered up strength & pulled it right off (i think; i hope; it
certainly appears so...)
spending way too much time these days (more & more, i think),
i feel ---just trying to explain this thing to those who
really -DO- want whats best for me (even accept by blasphemy,
that is: doing what i feel; not just disregarding their input
& ideas...but telling them to take off & shove it; "better
learn to love it!", i say in my daft deft way...
bending them over backwards, hands tied ---feet too! blindfolded, gagged,
naked...for what? for YOU?!? that's the kind of shit i abso-friggin-lutely
LOATH that you do ---when it's me it's being done to
i become such a thing! oh, i disgust me!
but if i refrain and speak straight ---say some lame, vain perception
how it's all "really great", with little to nothing to substantiate
such a claim...
i watch their eyes roll (like yours often do) & i know what is coming...
the mere thought of it now is so...
utterly MIND-NUMBING!!!
&, as it's oft to do at such a moment as i describe: i am reminded of
you--- your misleading,your half-truths, & your out-right LIES
you do not brave the perils which i speak of here-in...no,
you don't even make mention of me to your family & friends...
they hold some bitterness, some animosity towards me you say but never
describe or say why; just that you are too scared to be under their
critical eye; judging you, feeling sorry for you, even being angry at you
for being what they deem a fool...
no, no, no...not once have you even TRIED now have you?
stood out, with & for; the heart full of feelings you claim are for me
is for me; all for me...
but it all depends on your constantly changing mood-swings
and only seems to be when you need something from me
when your ego's been built up, when you're on top of your game
you blindly, dispassionately, unknowing & uncaring -ly cause me
immeasurable pain
escalated by my flailing reactions to this mind-boggling hurt ---it only gets worse!
or if i play it cool, like i don't give a shit; just like you...
well, then you impose so distorted view ---

[lawyerings]

I can still feel your heart-beat pumping madly
just like mine
& taste your kiss hung on my lips, sweetness defined
as if you were still:
--right here
--right now
--right next to me
or, ---under me...
...like you were just a few hours ago...
staring up at me...oh, so seductively ---those
beautiful eyes big & bright---
locked onto me, opened...
- W I D E -
-!-
...they're divulging your secrets,
& showing me your soul...
illuminating it all...
so lovely...so...
beautiful!

...as I lay trying to sleep, remembering
all the little details:
--how you looked there below me
--how you felt in my arms
& pressing up to me
--how you taste when you kiss me
--how you smelled when we're near
& I think about
how
I can't possibly
fall asleep
with my head so full
of all these things
spinning...
'round
'n 'round
'n 'round
'n 'round

[suspect]
high on this mountain of words
---unspoken, some;
& also recovered
from the gravity of moments past...
wait in shadows,
patient for the sun...
minor expressions of the feelings ---some
subtle
others, not so...
tangled up in the mass of a web once weaved
just so, perilously...
intricate,
delicate,
& oh so definitive...

such Holy words of Holy Solace
& of
sweet sweet Serenity;
weaved by the Spider who hunts my
Divinity;
with the Madness of my un-doing,
& the fortunes of the Bold...
for the necter of my Hearts embrace
deep in the vacuum of my Soul.

[life in profile]
the cards are all there so
there
can be no mistaking...
the only risk is the one that's
worth it...
saving & waiting &
not just fuckin' TAKING!!!
...all the chances, all the
missed
opportunities...
wasted!
so what if it plays
like a fiddle
or
into their hands...?
so what if even You
don't
quite understand?
the mirror's in profile
&
lacking in depth...
but
one day my son
this shit you pull
& do
will catch you in-
death...

...and where will you be
then?
hmmm?

[collaboration]
Simplicity speaks to everyone;
speaks in a liquid tongue...
to thy Father & long-absent Mother-love...
turn your head &
just...
look away.
let it all just
Fall...
...Away
off & around you...if
just for today...
Fade...fade into the daily
coffee-cups & environmentally
friendly
paper-bags of empty
I Love Yous &
good I love Yous, I Love Yous,
I LOVE YOUS.!.!.
empty of all Truth
---like the wasted days
of a wasted Youth...
empty like the Days &
the long cold
hard
lonely, lonely nights...
vacant
but Alive

[gone]
walked away...just too much
feeling
hit the pavement before I
hit the ceiling...
headed home...
reeling.
it took something...long since forgot
hidden these last few years
not known for ages...though needed
a lot
as the rain slowly soaked me
as I passed thru the streets
that something revived
strengthening me
gave me the strength to just
fuckin' leave

[incorrigible]
The Madness doesn't doubt me
The Madness knows my worth
It doesn't get embarrassed by me
or question what is pure
The Madness thinks I'm ugly
yet loves me all the more
The Madness is understanding
& helps me off the floor
The Madness is always giving
& knows I give my all
The Madness never leaves me
even when I fall
The Madness always wants me
The Madness holds me tight
It says that there is nothing but
The Madness & I

[hearts]
y' know what I think?
---but of coarse you do...;
there is a heart somewhere
right now
singing that love-worn blues
while,
else where, there is one
that sings that song of
Brand New Love;
Another one yearns
just to be touched.
Meanwhile, there are some
hearts locked-away,
life-less & cold.
Some having been burned,
some just burnt out;
the saddest of all...
those that never learned how

[full-flush to the moon]

I have stood on many front porches
face full-flush to the moon
with the mad, mad thoughts of mad-men
shelter
from the soul-less living room
my heart might be breaking ---soar! for a moment
then swell then
KA-BOOM!
...it suddenly bursts
all in the minds-eye-imagery
of the one then called "Her"
gushing & spewing all my love and my gloom
spoken ever softly
face full-flush to the moon

I know I'll die heart-bleeding
face full-flush to the moon
in the maddest my-own-moment
with a Her as my doom