a shared IM
in the solace of a corporate wash-room; behind the locked doors of the last stall...probably the kewlest person i know gave this brief description of me {it would be conceeded of me to try to speak highly of myself in a bragging way and im told that i never do justice to myself}
"how would you describe me to someone {be nice, but honest} in a well rounded "summed up" kinda way?
GRRRL: hmmm independant eccentric deep..."
ME: "'wild rivers'-deep or marinara-trench?"
GRRRL: "red sea" GRRRL: "murky and mysterious"
ME: "i could be parted by a prophet :p ...to sum up?"
GRRRL: "persistant being, LIFE...LOVE....REGRET....to some complete chaos, others the chaos which makes him complete"
and all i could come up with was to call her my little bumble bee and quote a burnt-out hippie {sorry doc}...no matter what you attached the title to, you'll always be my lil chicken-of-habit...my habit
28 August 2003
a private moment...broadcasted over the internet
a look at the sky and the warrior's in bloom
think to myself {still think of you}
couldnt we have shared this
couldnt you proved me wrong
made this something special
instead of being gone
a small bite that soon gone
a little tingling in my arm
the host is an itch
the substence is calm
my love is a bitch
my reaction bar none
and where in this passion flower
is the mighty love turned so sour
she sleeps without an after thought
no hiccup or burp
and yeah i still think that i am god
you never learn
so thank you to the painter of the sunrise
and the sunset and the sky
those hills touched with magic
the creek is beauty defined
all this i assume is for me
this world is mine
...tell you what...given some fair amount of time, all things become illogical...we either suppress this unadulterated truth in our sick demented personal concept of reality...or we never achieve the level of comprehension of an actual mature adult of the human gens...
a look at the sky and the warrior's in bloom
think to myself {still think of you}
couldnt we have shared this
couldnt you proved me wrong
made this something special
instead of being gone
a small bite that soon gone
a little tingling in my arm
the host is an itch
the substence is calm
my love is a bitch
my reaction bar none
and where in this passion flower
is the mighty love turned so sour
she sleeps without an after thought
no hiccup or burp
and yeah i still think that i am god
you never learn
so thank you to the painter of the sunrise
and the sunset and the sky
those hills touched with magic
the creek is beauty defined
all this i assume is for me
this world is mine
...tell you what...given some fair amount of time, all things become illogical...we either suppress this unadulterated truth in our sick demented personal concept of reality...or we never achieve the level of comprehension of an actual mature adult of the human gens...
14 August 2003
13 August 2003
{"mind warp..." "-infinity!"}
...as if in some vain attempt to erase the sky
threads of stratus clouds stretch towards the east
and the low mumbling wind starts a conversation with the trees
the sun retraces the stumbling-drunk footsteps of the moon
letting all who care to know or vaguely wonder
in matters of light and good manners
it is god and exerts its rule...
but for all its burning fierce vain--glory
it has not a strand of light thats conscience
does not know, cannot feel
does what it does and thats all that there is
...but the moon has its moods
and gets drunk all the time
with the faint glow of Big Brother bounced off in reflection
that wild, cantankerous moon, once drunk, will rebel against your standards
and hanging low in the late-day sky, smile in quite bemusement...as he has today...
and the great owl who hears his laughter
awakens too early from his own deep slumber
howling disapproval for the misleading humour and goes back under
that sleep which is desperately attempting to annex the world
...and late it the summer those clouds disappear
over horizons that never grow near...
on its bank sits the old man we know of as Time
...just as immortal/immoral as fate is blind...
that bitch of a wife of his who talks in her sleep...
hes running away but she stallks him like me
i just want to talk with him, ask what It means...
...are we some experiment in an 8th grade science fair 3rd prize?
or are they true, all those creationist theories?
god, or is it George?, did it all with a purpose in mind
if he didnt want me to question it than he shouldnt've put one in mine
this instant we concieve of as all that the is
this world in even our universe not much more than a blip
could be nothing more than a fart of some other exsistence
always get stuck in this line of thinking
on what defies my reasoning
that damnable but wonderful thing
we given the name of infinity
...but so what?
would understanding be gotten from seeing it there
if knowing doesnt bring reason; and who fuckin' cares!?
look with those portals to the world that you know
even if its just in yer head or a late-night cable-access show
its here and its beautiful and you must somehow try to live in it
worry about the other things if you survive yer own death...
...as if in some vain attempt to erase the sky
threads of stratus clouds stretch towards the east
and the low mumbling wind starts a conversation with the trees
the sun retraces the stumbling-drunk footsteps of the moon
letting all who care to know or vaguely wonder
in matters of light and good manners
it is god and exerts its rule...
but for all its burning fierce vain--glory
it has not a strand of light thats conscience
does not know, cannot feel
does what it does and thats all that there is
...but the moon has its moods
and gets drunk all the time
with the faint glow of Big Brother bounced off in reflection
that wild, cantankerous moon, once drunk, will rebel against your standards
and hanging low in the late-day sky, smile in quite bemusement...as he has today...
and the great owl who hears his laughter
awakens too early from his own deep slumber
howling disapproval for the misleading humour and goes back under
that sleep which is desperately attempting to annex the world
...and late it the summer those clouds disappear
over horizons that never grow near...
on its bank sits the old man we know of as Time
...just as immortal/immoral as fate is blind...
that bitch of a wife of his who talks in her sleep...
hes running away but she stallks him like me
i just want to talk with him, ask what It means...
...are we some experiment in an 8th grade science fair 3rd prize?
or are they true, all those creationist theories?
god, or is it George?, did it all with a purpose in mind
if he didnt want me to question it than he shouldnt've put one in mine
this instant we concieve of as all that the is
this world in even our universe not much more than a blip
could be nothing more than a fart of some other exsistence
always get stuck in this line of thinking
on what defies my reasoning
that damnable but wonderful thing
we given the name of infinity
...but so what?
would understanding be gotten from seeing it there
if knowing doesnt bring reason; and who fuckin' cares!?
look with those portals to the world that you know
even if its just in yer head or a late-night cable-access show
its here and its beautiful and you must somehow try to live in it
worry about the other things if you survive yer own death...
12 August 2003
never thought much of zambize
claw away at these straps of leather
sneak out to the night
never a thought or care for the weather
how you live is your right
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dont need it now but now more than ever
for having a thing makes not needing it better
~~~~~~~~
demanding to know the forecast from a very stubborn wall
all told/ its not better/ said we'd be better off
taste murder in the back of my throat
for this need to love a girl
there's some hidden scar like a vegas marquee
1 time only and history, try to be original-try sticking around
claw away at these straps of leather
sneak out to the night
never a thought or care for the weather
how you live is your right
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dont need it now but now more than ever
for having a thing makes not needing it better
~~~~~~~~
demanding to know the forecast from a very stubborn wall
all told/ its not better/ said we'd be better off
taste murder in the back of my throat
for this need to love a girl
there's some hidden scar like a vegas marquee
1 time only and history, try to be original-try sticking around
10 July 2003
Security
security...what does this word mean in relation to life as we know it today? for the most part, it means safety and freedom from worry. it is said to be the end that all men strive for; but is security a utopian goal or is it another word for 'rut?
let us visualize the secure man; and by this term, i mean a man who has settled for finacial and personal security for his goal in life. in general, he is a man who has pushed ambition and initiative aside and settled down, so to speak, in a boring, but safe and comfortable rut for the rest of his life. his future is but an extension of his present, and he accepts it as such with a complacent shrug of his shoulders. his ideas and ideals are those of society in general and he is accepted as a 'respectable', but average and prosaic man. but is he a man? has he any self-respect or pride in himself? how could he when he risked nothing and gained nothing? what does he think when he sees his youthful dreams of adventure, accomplishment, travel, and romance buried under the cloak of conformity? how does he feel when he realizes that he has barely tasted the meal of life; when he sees the prison he has made for himself in pursuit of the almighty dollar? if he thinks this is all well and good, but think of the tragedy of a man who has sacrificed his freedom on the alter of security, and wishes he could turn back the hands of time. a man is to be pitied who lacked the courage to accept the challenge of freedom and depart from the cushion of 'security' and see life as it is instead of living it second-hand. life has by-passed this man and he has watched from a secure place, afraid to seek anything better. what has he done except to sit and wait for the tomorrow which never comes?
turn back the pages of history and see the men who have shaped the destiny of the world. security was never theirs, but thye lived rather than 'exsisted'. where would the world be if all men sought security and had not taken risks or gambled with thier lives on the chance that, if they won, life would be different and richer? it is from the bystanders (who are in the vast majority) that we recieve the propaganda that life is not worth living, that life is a drudgery, that the ambitions of youth must be laid aside from a life which is but a painful wait for death. these are the ones who squeeze what excitement they can from a life out of imaginations and experiences of others through books and movies. these are the insignificant and forgotten men who preach conformity because it is all they know. these are the men who dream at night of what could have been, but wake at dawn to take their places in the now-familiar rut and to merely exsist through another day. for them, the romance of life is long dead and they are forced to go through the years on a tread-mill, cursing their exsistance, yet afraid to die because of the unknown which faces them after death. they lacked the only true courage: the kind which enables men to face the unknown regardless of the consequences.
as an after thought, it seems hardly proper to write of life without once mentioning happiness; so we shall let you, the reader, answer this question for your himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed "secure"-ly on shore and merely 'exsisted'?
-Hunter S. Thompson
security...what does this word mean in relation to life as we know it today? for the most part, it means safety and freedom from worry. it is said to be the end that all men strive for; but is security a utopian goal or is it another word for 'rut?
let us visualize the secure man; and by this term, i mean a man who has settled for finacial and personal security for his goal in life. in general, he is a man who has pushed ambition and initiative aside and settled down, so to speak, in a boring, but safe and comfortable rut for the rest of his life. his future is but an extension of his present, and he accepts it as such with a complacent shrug of his shoulders. his ideas and ideals are those of society in general and he is accepted as a 'respectable', but average and prosaic man. but is he a man? has he any self-respect or pride in himself? how could he when he risked nothing and gained nothing? what does he think when he sees his youthful dreams of adventure, accomplishment, travel, and romance buried under the cloak of conformity? how does he feel when he realizes that he has barely tasted the meal of life; when he sees the prison he has made for himself in pursuit of the almighty dollar? if he thinks this is all well and good, but think of the tragedy of a man who has sacrificed his freedom on the alter of security, and wishes he could turn back the hands of time. a man is to be pitied who lacked the courage to accept the challenge of freedom and depart from the cushion of 'security' and see life as it is instead of living it second-hand. life has by-passed this man and he has watched from a secure place, afraid to seek anything better. what has he done except to sit and wait for the tomorrow which never comes?
turn back the pages of history and see the men who have shaped the destiny of the world. security was never theirs, but thye lived rather than 'exsisted'. where would the world be if all men sought security and had not taken risks or gambled with thier lives on the chance that, if they won, life would be different and richer? it is from the bystanders (who are in the vast majority) that we recieve the propaganda that life is not worth living, that life is a drudgery, that the ambitions of youth must be laid aside from a life which is but a painful wait for death. these are the ones who squeeze what excitement they can from a life out of imaginations and experiences of others through books and movies. these are the insignificant and forgotten men who preach conformity because it is all they know. these are the men who dream at night of what could have been, but wake at dawn to take their places in the now-familiar rut and to merely exsist through another day. for them, the romance of life is long dead and they are forced to go through the years on a tread-mill, cursing their exsistance, yet afraid to die because of the unknown which faces them after death. they lacked the only true courage: the kind which enables men to face the unknown regardless of the consequences.
as an after thought, it seems hardly proper to write of life without once mentioning happiness; so we shall let you, the reader, answer this question for your himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed "secure"-ly on shore and merely 'exsisted'?
-Hunter S. Thompson
01 July 2003
...generated de-generate...
im at a loss and close to the edge
dirty the memory dont dirty the bed
feel i dont want to too soon to say
removed from the darkness removal of me
cognative lately and its too soon to tell
star revalation for a happy meal-
i
dont
think
so...
ive misplaced my hate
still fall in debate
i know you hate that dont you...
im all out of time
with reasons not mine
dont deny i ever loved you...
dont you
dont you...
competion runner ran for government
how could you forget her despite the medicine
i am really alright i am really aright i am really... :|
im at a loss and close to the edge
dirty the memory dont dirty the bed
feel i dont want to too soon to say
removed from the darkness removal of me
cognative lately and its too soon to tell
star revalation for a happy meal-
i
dont
think
so...
ive misplaced my hate
still fall in debate
i know you hate that dont you...
im all out of time
with reasons not mine
dont deny i ever loved you...
dont you
dont you...
competion runner ran for government
how could you forget her despite the medicine
i am really alright i am really aright i am really... :|
30 June 2003
fuck you too, dad
im suddenly angry and i radiate heat
so blessed with the error i had to bleed
thank you for knowing but not about me
hungry words can shred your make-believe
salivate the chance; wounding first glance
toppeled more than this; i am...
having fun...
but i cant be more than this...
selective amniesia; so sure cant recall
rejoice if only provoked by us all
so easy to say 'its all your fault'
yesterday, or today-its the same despite it all...
purchased a brand new life; branded and despised
so, no its not just kicks; meanwhile i'm...
-c.
pointed at sunset
keep on heading west
might just get some rest
but iam...
-slow c.
im suddenly angry and i radiate heat
so blessed with the error i had to bleed
thank you for knowing but not about me
hungry words can shred your make-believe
salivate the chance; wounding first glance
toppeled more than this; i am...
having fun...
but i cant be more than this...
selective amniesia; so sure cant recall
rejoice if only provoked by us all
so easy to say 'its all your fault'
yesterday, or today-its the same despite it all...
purchased a brand new life; branded and despised
so, no its not just kicks; meanwhile i'm...
-c.
pointed at sunset
keep on heading west
might just get some rest
but iam...
-slow c.
25 June 2003
//and you thought the other shit was depressing?\\
i never had excess; never been needed; a want for a moment; but lost in a second;
and these pictures of lost causes and what never lasts;
seemed i was a star but a min. ago...
package me nicely; linger on bait; always a fuck up; only one date;
need another worry like a new ulcer; couldnt she have waited until she took me home?
im stuck in the middle
between heaven and hell
one just ignores me
no matter how much i yell
the other adores me
and wont be disspelled
---i cant quite these voices inside of my brain...too many thoughts all at once...done with praying...gonna be done with it...make it a show...short breath and then go
i never had excess; never been needed; a want for a moment; but lost in a second;
and these pictures of lost causes and what never lasts;
seemed i was a star but a min. ago...
package me nicely; linger on bait; always a fuck up; only one date;
need another worry like a new ulcer; couldnt she have waited until she took me home?
im stuck in the middle
between heaven and hell
one just ignores me
no matter how much i yell
the other adores me
and wont be disspelled
---i cant quite these voices inside of my brain...too many thoughts all at once...done with praying...gonna be done with it...make it a show...short breath and then go
24 June 2003
momentary lapse in make-believe
"I can't believe I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, and {?forgot this one?}"
-G.W.Bush "president" of the us of a
"There is a squatter on federal property... A man not elected by the people is living in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."
-Michael Moore, Stupid White Men
more americans have read/are reading Michael Moore's new book than voted for The Fraud In A Suit. and from a man walking away with an Oscar for his film Bowling for Columbine and (supposedly) bruises from his 'acceptance' speech, cut short on TV in blantent censorship. a man more psyched up on america then a NOS'd-out raver on 4 July. Moore's fact-recitation can be read for either side...but the facts are so unbelievable in themselves!...things our 15-minute minds have heard, maybe, but not retained. probably due to their incredibility. not-quite-finished reading it yet, but all ready im beyond bewilderment. what the fuck?!?
"I can't believe I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, and {?forgot this one?}"
-G.W.Bush "president" of the us of a
"There is a squatter on federal property... A man not elected by the people is living in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."
-Michael Moore, Stupid White Men
more americans have read/are reading Michael Moore's new book than voted for The Fraud In A Suit. and from a man walking away with an Oscar for his film Bowling for Columbine and (supposedly) bruises from his 'acceptance' speech, cut short on TV in blantent censorship. a man more psyched up on america then a NOS'd-out raver on 4 July. Moore's fact-recitation can be read for either side...but the facts are so unbelievable in themselves!...things our 15-minute minds have heard, maybe, but not retained. probably due to their incredibility. not-quite-finished reading it yet, but all ready im beyond bewilderment. what the fuck?!?
19 June 2003
...something she said to me last...
sour at appearences; not really old but still you try and make believe
cafe was empty and she spoke of the last chance for me
the other world is telling me what i suspected along
best get me outta here; before i do something wrong...
...i must go to heaven
im already stuck in hell
and when id end up there
i'll ring the fucking bell...
distractions make it seem more normal
lying still in bed to half past 3
in the luxury of a 3-star rating
just the best for you baby
nothing but the best...
...for you
sour at appearences; not really old but still you try and make believe
cafe was empty and she spoke of the last chance for me
the other world is telling me what i suspected along
best get me outta here; before i do something wrong...
...i must go to heaven
im already stuck in hell
and when id end up there
i'll ring the fucking bell...
distractions make it seem more normal
lying still in bed to half past 3
in the luxury of a 3-star rating
just the best for you baby
nothing but the best...
...for you
18 June 2003
reset olafactory-settings?!?
been trying to feel. but i ain't got no legs. missed opportunities. acquired new taste. its better up here. where the air's not so thick. so tragic isn't it. the words that she said. baby doll queen. hopped on benny's. mixed quotes, and personalities. kinda feeling ill. dont know where this is going. something's gotta give. not good at bending. wait for the weekend. the fun it's all there. 24 bottles pending. earned every one. sent out a letter. got no reply. stand on a rooftop, arms to the sky. got a slight tingle in the corner of my mind. like an itch or a burning. still don't know why. better much better. arms all around. look ma', he's funny. but he isn't a clown. lost points and descriptions. curious jorge va a la playa. drown in a bathtub. cinco de mayo. danny-boy found the stairway. slammed the door shut. now its locked when i find it. i just cant get out.
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy
and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the
remorse of age.
~Ambrose Bierce~
been trying to feel. but i ain't got no legs. missed opportunities. acquired new taste. its better up here. where the air's not so thick. so tragic isn't it. the words that she said. baby doll queen. hopped on benny's. mixed quotes, and personalities. kinda feeling ill. dont know where this is going. something's gotta give. not good at bending. wait for the weekend. the fun it's all there. 24 bottles pending. earned every one. sent out a letter. got no reply. stand on a rooftop, arms to the sky. got a slight tingle in the corner of my mind. like an itch or a burning. still don't know why. better much better. arms all around. look ma', he's funny. but he isn't a clown. lost points and descriptions. curious jorge va a la playa. drown in a bathtub. cinco de mayo. danny-boy found the stairway. slammed the door shut. now its locked when i find it. i just cant get out.
Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy
and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the
remorse of age.
~Ambrose Bierce~
Disease Of the Month
phlebitis
Inflammation of the wall of a vein. Causes include nearby infection, trauma, surgery, and childbirth. The area over the vein is painful, swollen, red, and hot. A tender, cordlike mass may be felt under the skin. It usually occurs in surface veins in the lower leg and can be treated with pain relievers and bed rest, with mild exercise after inflammation subsides. Phlebitis can last for years; in such cases, irritation of the vein's inner lining leads to blood-clot formation, a condition known as thrombophlebitis (see thrombosis). In deeper veins, this requires anticoagulants to prevent embolisms.
phlebitis
Inflammation of the wall of a vein. Causes include nearby infection, trauma, surgery, and childbirth. The area over the vein is painful, swollen, red, and hot. A tender, cordlike mass may be felt under the skin. It usually occurs in surface veins in the lower leg and can be treated with pain relievers and bed rest, with mild exercise after inflammation subsides. Phlebitis can last for years; in such cases, irritation of the vein's inner lining leads to blood-clot formation, a condition known as thrombophlebitis (see thrombosis). In deeper veins, this requires anticoagulants to prevent embolisms.
11 June 2003
wish it were real
make believe that this is real; jagged edge, tasty pill
sometime ago it was decided and cant turn back now
oh but to disappear comletely, only then make the real escape
stopping now solely for other peoples sake; sweet oblivion
to be rid of this failed life; bitter passions unreturned, lost love
that still burns; too much, cant bare it; not another day
i need to disappear completely, so i can be free...
make believe that this is real; jagged edge, tasty pill
sometime ago it was decided and cant turn back now
oh but to disappear comletely, only then make the real escape
stopping now solely for other peoples sake; sweet oblivion
to be rid of this failed life; bitter passions unreturned, lost love
that still burns; too much, cant bare it; not another day
i need to disappear completely, so i can be free...
09 May 2003
honey, i think about it all the time
we're never safe when lites are low; begging your forgiveness;
but instant sanity wont take heed; these roots of madness run too deep;
and all the angels laugh at me...
another sleepless nite beside her; she cant drive when im sober;
another chance for destiny; hollow eyes that will not see;
breaking loose from conformity; and all the angels laugh...
at me...
dreaming is so close to shows
how could i be expected to know
this here reality that you see
and you're right here next to me...
wake up and those wound are real
experiment to make me feel
i dont know and i cant see
and you're right here next to me...
daylight
so quite
inside
two sides
tonite
i'll try to make it right
laying on a cement floor; i like to call my home;
visions of another life to call my own; instead of out here all alone;
she weeps but its not with sadness; she weeps quite openly;
she weeps because shes finally free;
and all the angels laugh at me...
we're never safe when lites are low; begging your forgiveness;
but instant sanity wont take heed; these roots of madness run too deep;
and all the angels laugh at me...
another sleepless nite beside her; she cant drive when im sober;
another chance for destiny; hollow eyes that will not see;
breaking loose from conformity; and all the angels laugh...
at me...
dreaming is so close to shows
how could i be expected to know
this here reality that you see
and you're right here next to me...
wake up and those wound are real
experiment to make me feel
i dont know and i cant see
and you're right here next to me...
daylight
so quite
inside
two sides
tonite
i'll try to make it right
laying on a cement floor; i like to call my home;
visions of another life to call my own; instead of out here all alone;
she weeps but its not with sadness; she weeps quite openly;
she weeps because shes finally free;
and all the angels laugh at me...
07 May 2003
awesome
etude n. Music
A piece composed for the development of a specific point of technique.
[from Old French estudie, study.]
***from mighty girl
etude n. Music
A piece composed for the development of a specific point of technique.
[from Old French estudie, study.]
***from mighty girl
14 April 2003
12 April 2003
02 April 2003
back from the dead
flying high on an airplane again
cigarette shakes in my hand
i cant believe what They said...
told that damn lie again
told us a lie and it true
so played out for you
tear at the wires all the time
but it just keeps coming out...
can i drift with you tonite
on these could-be-clouds around me
would you tell her that i said its alright
alright...
alright now,
-
spent all last night
in the terminal-lounge
cant be held accountable.
flying high on an airplane again
cigarette shakes in my hand
i cant believe what They said...
told that damn lie again
told us a lie and it true
so played out for you
tear at the wires all the time
but it just keeps coming out...
can i drift with you tonite
on these could-be-clouds around me
would you tell her that i said its alright
alright...
alright now,
-
spent all last night
in the terminal-lounge
cant be held accountable.
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