[hold]

save me once...
shame on you
save me again
&
I'll fucking KILL you!
nobody wants your heartfelt variety
the cute li'l smile you do
no one here cares how beautiful you look when you're sleeping in arms wrapped lovingly around you
it's not like anyone here gives a damn for your morbid sense of a life
Please
I don't want to love you
Why would I?

[whores]

Nameless, faceless; fallen one...
You change your name, your sex, your
Love

[looks like language]

It looks like language, has words & verbs & other parts ---yet lacking the most important: coherence
Symbols thrown about yet laid down with intention ---litterary Pollack in Print
Summon up my x-men power, cognition
Still can't read the transmission

[uncanny]

but first..
is it all worth it?
i know im not the first one to look at things the way i do. nor is my outlook unique. but the answers they all offer never seem to fit. square pegs in round holes and such. they offer guidance with the assurance of "ive been there before" but this is my personal hell and thus no one could have nor will ever be here. i am utterly alone in this. no one can offer petty advice that wont seem cheap and more for their own benefit, as if to say, "hey, man, im trying to help". and yes its nice that you're trying but if you cant really help than just shake your head and say you dont know. or dont even bother asking me whats wrong in the first place. thats were the general trouble with other people starts is when they pretend they care and ask you whats wrong and if you honestly answer them you get those "you're a fucking nutcase" looks or they go off about how they themselves have been having a shitty week because they think one of their multiple girlfriends is cheating on them and how the other one is starting to suspect they are. does this help me to answer the impending question? no, goddamnit!
but i stray. but atleast it helps to tell how social interactions do not help when dealing with such thoughts. no one i know really takes the time to get to know someone so that dealing with another human being is always shallow and trivial and can strain when more important matters are pressing. or maybe i just dont give a fuck enough.

...and now:



[in parenthesis]
tut!-tut!-be silent or be still!
all these lightbulbs------------wasted!
but, oh!
if looks could kill.
would that danger pranced to the
tune of the tulip-dancers clogs.
on bored-board-walks
suspended
FIFTY-EIGHT!!!stories over
desert wasted-land (home)
or if meaning hung like mistle toe;
schemeing tongue of the neighborhood
whore
often wondered in fragment sentences
using big-lofty-words; no ones ever heard
since the ending cries of the
Crimean War
tut-tut & a hush-hush to ya'
baby
on one likes a tattle-tale, is what
you're telling me?
hardy-fuckin'-har-har
oh so boring minds compared to...
great big bombs of boredom
never failed.
faith in other times...
but, oh!
if looks could kill...
instead of pills
a force of wills
apple pie on a window
sill
then i'd be the Man
for sure!
and listen to my a-bombs
purr

[inspiration]

[see it; fuck it ---no, not literally...]

gathered up strength & pulled it right off (i think; i hope; it
certainly appears so...)
spending way too much time these days (more & more, i think),
i feel ---just trying to explain this thing to those who
really -DO- want whats best for me (even accept by blasphemy,
that is: doing what i feel; not just disregarding their input
& ideas...but telling them to take off & shove it; "better
learn to love it!", i say in my daft deft way...
bending them over backwards, hands tied ---feet too! blindfolded, gagged,
naked...for what? for YOU?!? that's the kind of shit i abso-friggin-lutely
LOATH that you do ---when it's me it's being done to
i become such a thing! oh, i disgust me!
but if i refrain and speak straight ---say some lame, vain perception
how it's all "really great", with little to nothing to substantiate
such a claim...
i watch their eyes roll (like yours often do) & i know what is coming...
the mere thought of it now is so...
utterly MIND-NUMBING!!!
&, as it's oft to do at such a moment as i describe: i am reminded of
you--- your misleading,your half-truths, & your out-right LIES
you do not brave the perils which i speak of here-in...no,
you don't even make mention of me to your family & friends...
they hold some bitterness, some animosity towards me you say but never
describe or say why; just that you are too scared to be under their
critical eye; judging you, feeling sorry for you, even being angry at you
for being what they deem a fool...
no, no, no...not once have you even TRIED now have you?
stood out, with & for; the heart full of feelings you claim are for me
is for me; all for me...
but it all depends on your constantly changing mood-swings
and only seems to be when you need something from me
when your ego's been built up, when you're on top of your game
you blindly, dispassionately, unknowing & uncaring -ly cause me
immeasurable pain
escalated by my flailing reactions to this mind-boggling hurt ---it only gets worse!
or if i play it cool, like i don't give a shit; just like you...
well, then you impose so distorted view ---

[lawyerings]

I can still feel your heart-beat pumping madly
just like mine
& taste your kiss hung on my lips, sweetness defined
as if you were still:
--right here
--right now
--right next to me
or, ---under me...
...like you were just a few hours ago...
staring up at me...oh, so seductively ---those
beautiful eyes big & bright---
locked onto me, opened...
- W I D E -
-!-
...they're divulging your secrets,
& showing me your soul...
illuminating it all...
so lovely...so...
beautiful!

...as I lay trying to sleep, remembering
all the little details:
--how you looked there below me
--how you felt in my arms
& pressing up to me
--how you taste when you kiss me
--how you smelled when we're near
& I think about
how
I can't possibly
fall asleep
with my head so full
of all these things
spinning...
'round
'n 'round
'n 'round
'n 'round

[suspect]
high on this mountain of words
---unspoken, some;
& also recovered
from the gravity of moments past...
wait in shadows,
patient for the sun...
minor expressions of the feelings ---some
subtle
others, not so...
tangled up in the mass of a web once weaved
just so, perilously...
intricate,
delicate,
& oh so definitive...

such Holy words of Holy Solace
& of
sweet sweet Serenity;
weaved by the Spider who hunts my
Divinity;
with the Madness of my un-doing,
& the fortunes of the Bold...
for the necter of my Hearts embrace
deep in the vacuum of my Soul.

[life in profile]
the cards are all there so
there
can be no mistaking...
the only risk is the one that's
worth it...
saving & waiting &
not just fuckin' TAKING!!!
...all the chances, all the
missed
opportunities...
wasted!
so what if it plays
like a fiddle
or
into their hands...?
so what if even You
don't
quite understand?
the mirror's in profile
&
lacking in depth...
but
one day my son
this shit you pull
& do
will catch you in-
death...

...and where will you be
then?
hmmm?

[collaboration]
Simplicity speaks to everyone;
speaks in a liquid tongue...
to thy Father & long-absent Mother-love...
turn your head &
just...
look away.
let it all just
Fall...
...Away
off & around you...if
just for today...
Fade...fade into the daily
coffee-cups & environmentally
friendly
paper-bags of empty
I Love Yous &
good I love Yous, I Love Yous,
I LOVE YOUS.!.!.
empty of all Truth
---like the wasted days
of a wasted Youth...
empty like the Days &
the long cold
hard
lonely, lonely nights...
vacant
but Alive

[gone]
walked away...just too much
feeling
hit the pavement before I
hit the ceiling...
headed home...
reeling.
it took something...long since forgot
hidden these last few years
not known for ages...though needed
a lot
as the rain slowly soaked me
as I passed thru the streets
that something revived
strengthening me
gave me the strength to just
fuckin' leave

[incorrigible]
The Madness doesn't doubt me
The Madness knows my worth
It doesn't get embarrassed by me
or question what is pure
The Madness thinks I'm ugly
yet loves me all the more
The Madness is understanding
& helps me off the floor
The Madness is always giving
& knows I give my all
The Madness never leaves me
even when I fall
The Madness always wants me
The Madness holds me tight
It says that there is nothing but
The Madness & I

[hearts]
y' know what I think?
---but of coarse you do...;
there is a heart somewhere
right now
singing that love-worn blues
while,
else where, there is one
that sings that song of
Brand New Love;
Another one yearns
just to be touched.
Meanwhile, there are some
hearts locked-away,
life-less & cold.
Some having been burned,
some just burnt out;
the saddest of all...
those that never learned how

[full-flush to the moon]

I have stood on many front porches
face full-flush to the moon
with the mad, mad thoughts of mad-men
shelter
from the soul-less living room
my heart might be breaking ---soar! for a moment
then swell then
KA-BOOM!
...it suddenly bursts
all in the minds-eye-imagery
of the one then called "Her"
gushing & spewing all my love and my gloom
spoken ever softly
face full-flush to the moon

I know I'll die heart-bleeding
face full-flush to the moon
in the maddest my-own-moment
with a Her as my doom

[FAILED HAIKU]
dream in sleep
the death that still weeps
now i am

fall away
from the noose we save
now i am

now i am
as she said i'd be
where is she?

dead.

[the new-ness of my heart]
what will the child
of
last week see?
what will he dream of? what will he
be?
akin and comparable---
a literary parable;
to
the modern symmetrical---
oral history
i think...
therefore He Will Be!
in spite of
light of
the moon-shine blood
of family
this child of only
one goddamm week (!!!)
this new light of life
this pillar, soon-to-be;
will harness and hold all the
lives,
all the deeds;
will tell no lies
being honest & free
He is the future...

(that once was me)

[aye carumba!]
even in portland...
{SCENE EXT. residential city street; view of sidewalk from across the street; wide angle; guy appears from off screen LHS carrying grocery bag with bottles, ear-buds in ears - head bops to music, ray-ban-style sunglasses on; woman appears from off-screen RHS in spandex running pants, tank top, head band, wrist-band - carrying a name-brand coffee cup, designer euro-style sunglasses on; both walk towards each other...}

the sun hangs still new and steamy from the remains of evenings dew as i
spy a power-walking 20-something with name-brand coffee cup/enima in her hand
(she looks like a single shot, 1-pump-vanilla, non-fat grande latte kind-of-gal)
she looks disdainly at me, even from a distance, and does not return my cheerful smile
me, carrying home the 2 new bottles of recently liberated/purchased cheap-ass-wine
at this tender AM hour; i just keep on smiling as Joe Strummer howls thru my headphones
and keep on smiling like a retarded person whose just pissed themselves.
the distance is closing between us, and the cars pass by on the street
she takes another look at this pretty-boy with the 3-days-worth-of-scruff on his face
i can almost hear the horse-like snort of disgust blast out her flaring nostrils
coupled with that cold, hard look of the judgmental hanging flat in her eyes
my smile nearly breaks into a chuckle my eyes would betray if not shielded by my shades
i nod my head as i pass and smile 10-times-brighter at the thrill of spite
a roll of her eyes, of the minimal sorts; the last declaration of contemptuous looks
then she's gone...
off to her jazzercise-yoga-yogurt-bubble-bath-retreat
back to her ikea-brand matched living & dinning room sets
and the luke-warm marriage to a similarly dull drone of a nameless cubicle workspace
onwards and forwards to chemically glaze her store-bought urban garden front yard
to the PTA meetings, city council meetings, neighborhood association meetings, etc ad nausem;
to make up new rules and regulations to increase both property and childrens values
out of my sight, and soon out of my mind - a taste of the OC pretension of home
slow-motion-run as i turn up the broken walkway to my non-association associated home
my front yard bares the scars of the decade's worth of neglect of the prior tenants
over-grown, ill-placed, and poorly groomed shrubbery infested with a spiders galore
entire genetic lines of un-known species lay hidden within clumps of dead leaves
plop down on the front steps amidst the scattered remains of cigarettes & newspapers
crack the cap of the cheapest-i-could-find bottle of red red wine
take a good long pull and look out on the world and think:

even in portland...
people suck just as bad as they always do and do everywhere
even in portland...
the human tendency for passing judgment on others still reigns supreme
even in portland...
Oprah leads a gaggle of stay-at-home-soccer-mom's in a Pied-Piper-ish way, to where?
even in portland...
the ugliness and depravity of our once-great-society shows thru...

thru the veneer of sustainability and so-called 'green' technology
thru the haze billowing from the just-outside-of-town-wood-mill/factories
thru the poster-perfect presentation on display every day downtown
thru the see-thu sugar coating of the last dance of a dying dream...
even in portland...
i live my life as i wish to be;
despite and in spite of everyone else
i am, and must be
ME

[ dearly catharsis ]
watch the pygmies take the train
spewing out short-range-radio-waves
up & out in all directions
clouding my mesosphere with their
toxic air
bad vibes jingling; undulating from inner ears
inducing shock and trauma to my parietal lobe
the scene dissolves into a Dali dream
and i percolate between the seams
falling faster in vacuum air
cocoon-like wrapped in a vacant stare
this is how they'll discover me
mummified in ectasy

[at the end of the bottle]
she woke me up to see she was leaving.
already packed with a cab on the way...
in the near-dear state of semi-sleep i could tell
she was serious
this time.
my bottle exposed beside the bare mattress floor,
the tenuous glue that once fostered love.
did i bother to brush the foggy cob-webs of dreams from my eyes
to say at last
goodbye?
would the morning cold and the sober chill send this raving beauty back
into the stupor comfort of my arms?
ten million stars snuffed out by dawn.
my arm goes out as if to draw her near
but ends wrapping the bottle
to finish the job.
the fire in her eyes boils over.
she unleashes hell verbose.
slams the door.
i hear her cry outside.
i cry
on the inside....
this bottle's done.

[tongue tied]
the cunning linguist
count's the several pieces
of his heart
on a millionairess/wife
then shoots the arab
with a stunning pair of
loaded 12-sided dice

[rad]


Lyrics | WIlly Wonka Cast - Pure Imagination lyrics