[you signed off]
we burned away the fever with those
hot & sweaty nights
painting vivid pictures where our smoke
hit the blue lights
we described in ornate detail
all the scars we have from life
& i lost myself completely
in the beauty of your eyes

but knowing just aint the same thing
as feeling pain & pleasure
oh god!--i hope tomorrow brings
more hospitable weather

remember all the good things
forget all the bad things
they just get in the way
and foul up the memory
like getting high
sniffing gasoline
remember to smile
some times just because
you may call it denial
others might call it love

...dooode...
....sean. where have you gone?
i dont know where you work anymore
and your cell phone's been shut off...
there's a 'bond' marathon on tv
dr. no's on...from russia with love's next!
i heard you and stacy are finally getting married
congratulations, my friend.
where are you buddy?
ive got a beer waiting for ya...

[cee]
i still have the spider-man thing you had me stick on my tongue
see? who said we never had fun?

[on the record]
can i still love you
for the record
i will despite if you say no
ive been foolish, ive been greedy
i am a dirty little whore
i get fucked up if i feel nervous
i get fucked up if i feel fine
this path i chose is reckless
but i follow every line
with a shot of something liquid
that warms me up inside
but this way is mine...
& i never thought it was
a good idea
for you to live this life i lead
but im selfish & i cant say no
besides, i like you next to me
yeah
i only thought of me...

but now you're driving off
out of here
and im left here
all alone

i picked this path a while back
it was a conscience decision that i made
see life, so-named, seems
unacceptable---or atleast that way to me!
all my friends they are my enimies
they think that i am really strange
they think that im quite stupid
or maybe mentally deranged!
but i will never change for them
no, ill never change; never change!

im so glad you've got your brother
quess we'll stay in touch that way
just maybe when you're ready, baby
you'll drive back home to be with me

[exile]
no one really cares about you
you sad, pathetic little man
you
said what was in your heart
while they took you all apart
broken is how they love you
a beaten man is what they need
your love's a cheap commodity
this town is full of boi's like you
now your just looking for someone
to treat you like you do
so how about a nice fat line?
a nice OD, pushed to ICU
until your DOA in the
OC
lol
muthafuckas

[?!?]
what can i say that i havent said
1000 times before
you do what you want or feel or
whatever
i can applaud you at that
its all well and good
unless
it directly contradicts what
atleast i thought
was understood.

so what am i supposed to think
or do?
its always been not up to me
but YOU!


...


fine!
fuck it! i give in!
im sick of feeling all this pain!
im going back to being numb again.
im just not going to give a fuck!
about
anyone
or anything.
like i used to be...
or i tried atleast...
but thats good enough for me.

[take these soft hands]
daylight-creeping ugly as i drive without my head
i dont know what i could be thinking
i guess i must not have been
tomorrow's always peaking pretty around another midnight
binge...
sitting here in damn-near-coma space
with my artificial wind blowing my superficial face
im hungry for an animal;
a wild beast beyond control
plays with me
wont let me go
but intoxicated i guess works best
beyond the four-walls of this
my head
with purer thoughts & uncut sin
can once again
take command, offering veiled redemtion
valid in the eyes of they who know the why...
there is that thing that i feel i must follow
the guiding lines & pills i swallow
my faith is faith that here's always tomorrow
another goddamn glorious day.

[word called wise]
a brief flash of light
starts the fire inside
the hurt may be pure
but there's sin in those eyes
just laugh at the notion
of some grand design
HA!
dont feed on all that bullshit
it fucks you up inside.

[o]
oh- but its a wicked world
on which we feed
the mounting, horrid atrocities
& dirty deeds;
on the TV...
for the love of god!
...what a silly thing!

[retro-genesis]
so you know how
on a dry, briskly cold day
like late in the day
the suns warmth bouncing back off the snow
then slowly a cloud passes
eclipsing the sun
dark as night
and the cold hits back five times
harder
and you look up to that
maker of the day
that companion of comfort
shielded by some bothersome cloud
an annoyance
that still sucks.
but what if that cloud stays all day?
what if it lingers too late and
that cloud steals all that warmth
so that the day slips away and
when the sun brings back light
with its heat, life
it shines on the cold, frozen carcass of a teenage smoker who's parents were convinced he just went on 'nature walks' and bought him a book on the subject.
a facinating book, really.

or something...

[the bottom-est line-ish]
why did you go on that trip to the desert?
you say you didnt know him,
thats why you said you left him.
so what possessed you to go out there
with him?
you knew what you were doing
didnt you?
you took to that bottle pretty well
for your "first time".
then suddenly your naked
pulling him down on top of you.
you dont want to go away untouched
do you?
you offer your secret
he had to say no.
dont you see???
he couldnt let you disrespect such a thing.
no,
you cant
when you love that very thing.

[ celebrity you ]
so damn dependent on these chemicals
they pick me up & help me talk to
other people
ive got a reason if you've got a line
it might not be living
but it helps to pass the time
so not that bad
just dissatisfied
with this wicked world and this
failed attempt at life
place your judgements
you don't fuckin' know!
it just feels so good
and yes,
i DO say so
c'mon lets hurry
hurry
up
& go

[ms.understood]
remember that time when
we laughed at him
for thinking he meant a little
more than he did?
he read into these words through his
own self-importance
not stopping to think that
there's a little more to this
yes you had a part in that
yes you occupy my mind
but the 'you' in that story was just
a third-person 'i'
I
am the dumbass

[ well shit on me ]
no matter what you try do do
yer screwed!
and your pain and your happiness lies
intertwined
like two lovers drunk on wine
tho, they feel it in the morning when
they stand before another day
all scratched up and butt-naked
primative and beautiful.
and here you are
facing your life's future like a
road traversed by 1000 speeding cars
well, im having car troubles
can i hitch a ride with you
sorry i dont fuck strangers
even tho you're cute.
the open skies that shower down light
on an unsuspecting pair one night
feel the vacuum of it pulling on all sides
put your head down, walk that fuckin' line!
and oblivious,
like this
you tread that rough pavement
in your own goddamn head when
that car you didnt see comin'
runs your dumbass over.

========//=================

to the girl who showers my room
in her
beutifully scripted
and descriptive
words:
love is for real.
~{~@
happy 6 mo. e

<3

[eyevee]
...guess your mind's made up
you just have to hate what you dont love
so cruel with words
you stab at me hopping it hurts
i too in kind
i sometimes say what comes to mind
but it doesnt have to be
it doesnt have to be so blind....
i'll go outside
lite up a smoke & start to cry
but i'll pretend
it was only smoke burning my eyes
whatcha doing now
you wont even return my calls
are you calling it quits?
its all my fault, huh? now is-nt it?????

i want a lover but i need a friend
a little meaning to the shit thats in my head
im getting drunk now just because i can
im a better lush than ive ever been a man
ive got a reason if you've got a line
it sure aint living
but
it helps to pass the time...

VIIexveeeyeeyeeyeAUGHT'5

[ oh Sophia ]
what we know & the stupid shit we think
we know
or think we thought we knew
a brilliant mind; a lofty soul.
but oh---!
what an appetite for... well,
anything. like a headache, it
passes.
full speed
straight
a-
head!
the obvious, so far not apparent
to the eye of blind anger
pushes off those hard earned shackles that
bind
the heart, yearning to be free.
find an unused spot to lay
down & wait for whatever should happen

"que sera sera"

[i'm staying in tonite]
im not going anywhere
im gonna stay in tis room
i really dont like people
& i got shit i can do
im not going out tonight
no, not even with you grrrl
not even those sad, puppy-dog eyes
could get me to move
tonight
im not going to leave this room
AT ALL
ALL NIGHT
i swear this by the moon
im staying right here
& not just tonight
this is a new rule
the "hip" thing to do
until ive saved enough money
to once again move

[stawberry vodka]
purify my mindless spirit
in the spirits i imbibe
like a holy babtism in toxicants
to cleanse my whole damn life
wash me me clean of all my sins
and drink away all lies

[vegetinarian]
almost made it
nearly famous
bumbling little boy
initiate us
in that hell,
love
eat cheese thats made of
soy

[butt-hurt]
fighting in my brain again
dont know what she just said
and then...
when all the sex and all the drugs
cant put me right again.
try to shrug it off, i guess...
but its roaring in my ear!
drinking now to get some rest
& sleep is almost here.