[hold]

save me once...
shame on you
save me again
&
I'll fucking KILL you!
nobody wants your heartfelt variety
the cute li'l smile you do
no one here cares how beautiful you look when you're sleeping in arms wrapped lovingly around you
it's not like anyone here gives a damn for your morbid sense of a life
Please
I don't want to love you
Why would I?

[whores]

Nameless, faceless; fallen one...
You change your name, your sex, your
Love

[looks like language]

It looks like language, has words & verbs & other parts ---yet lacking the most important: coherence
Symbols thrown about yet laid down with intention ---litterary Pollack in Print
Summon up my x-men power, cognition
Still can't read the transmission

[uncanny]

but first..
is it all worth it?
i know im not the first one to look at things the way i do. nor is my outlook unique. but the answers they all offer never seem to fit. square pegs in round holes and such. they offer guidance with the assurance of "ive been there before" but this is my personal hell and thus no one could have nor will ever be here. i am utterly alone in this. no one can offer petty advice that wont seem cheap and more for their own benefit, as if to say, "hey, man, im trying to help". and yes its nice that you're trying but if you cant really help than just shake your head and say you dont know. or dont even bother asking me whats wrong in the first place. thats were the general trouble with other people starts is when they pretend they care and ask you whats wrong and if you honestly answer them you get those "you're a fucking nutcase" looks or they go off about how they themselves have been having a shitty week because they think one of their multiple girlfriends is cheating on them and how the other one is starting to suspect they are. does this help me to answer the impending question? no, goddamnit!
but i stray. but atleast it helps to tell how social interactions do not help when dealing with such thoughts. no one i know really takes the time to get to know someone so that dealing with another human being is always shallow and trivial and can strain when more important matters are pressing. or maybe i just dont give a fuck enough.

...and now:



[in parenthesis]
tut!-tut!-be silent or be still!
all these lightbulbs------------wasted!
but, oh!
if looks could kill.
would that danger pranced to the
tune of the tulip-dancers clogs.
on bored-board-walks
suspended
FIFTY-EIGHT!!!stories over
desert wasted-land (home)
or if meaning hung like mistle toe;
schemeing tongue of the neighborhood
whore
often wondered in fragment sentences
using big-lofty-words; no ones ever heard
since the ending cries of the
Crimean War
tut-tut & a hush-hush to ya'
baby
on one likes a tattle-tale, is what
you're telling me?
hardy-fuckin'-har-har
oh so boring minds compared to...
great big bombs of boredom
never failed.
faith in other times...
but, oh!
if looks could kill...
instead of pills
a force of wills
apple pie on a window
sill
then i'd be the Man
for sure!
and listen to my a-bombs
purr

[inspiration]

[see it; fuck it ---no, not literally...]

gathered up strength & pulled it right off (i think; i hope; it
certainly appears so...)
spending way too much time these days (more & more, i think),
i feel ---just trying to explain this thing to those who
really -DO- want whats best for me (even accept by blasphemy,
that is: doing what i feel; not just disregarding their input
& ideas...but telling them to take off & shove it; "better
learn to love it!", i say in my daft deft way...
bending them over backwards, hands tied ---feet too! blindfolded, gagged,
naked...for what? for YOU?!? that's the kind of shit i abso-friggin-lutely
LOATH that you do ---when it's me it's being done to
i become such a thing! oh, i disgust me!
but if i refrain and speak straight ---say some lame, vain perception
how it's all "really great", with little to nothing to substantiate
such a claim...
i watch their eyes roll (like yours often do) & i know what is coming...
the mere thought of it now is so...
utterly MIND-NUMBING!!!
&, as it's oft to do at such a moment as i describe: i am reminded of
you--- your misleading,your half-truths, & your out-right LIES
you do not brave the perils which i speak of here-in...no,
you don't even make mention of me to your family & friends...
they hold some bitterness, some animosity towards me you say but never
describe or say why; just that you are too scared to be under their
critical eye; judging you, feeling sorry for you, even being angry at you
for being what they deem a fool...
no, no, no...not once have you even TRIED now have you?
stood out, with & for; the heart full of feelings you claim are for me
is for me; all for me...
but it all depends on your constantly changing mood-swings
and only seems to be when you need something from me
when your ego's been built up, when you're on top of your game
you blindly, dispassionately, unknowing & uncaring -ly cause me
immeasurable pain
escalated by my flailing reactions to this mind-boggling hurt ---it only gets worse!
or if i play it cool, like i don't give a shit; just like you...
well, then you impose so distorted view ---

[lawyerings]

I can still feel your heart-beat pumping madly
just like mine
& taste your kiss hung on my lips, sweetness defined
as if you were still:
--right here
--right now
--right next to me
or, ---under me...
...like you were just a few hours ago...
staring up at me...oh, so seductively ---those
beautiful eyes big & bright---
locked onto me, opened...
- W I D E -
-!-
...they're divulging your secrets,
& showing me your soul...
illuminating it all...
so lovely...so...
beautiful!

...as I lay trying to sleep, remembering
all the little details:
--how you looked there below me
--how you felt in my arms
& pressing up to me
--how you taste when you kiss me
--how you smelled when we're near
& I think about
how
I can't possibly
fall asleep
with my head so full
of all these things
spinning...
'round
'n 'round
'n 'round
'n 'round

[suspect]
high on this mountain of words
---unspoken, some;
& also recovered
from the gravity of moments past...
wait in shadows,
patient for the sun...
minor expressions of the feelings ---some
subtle
others, not so...
tangled up in the mass of a web once weaved
just so, perilously...
intricate,
delicate,
& oh so definitive...

such Holy words of Holy Solace
& of
sweet sweet Serenity;
weaved by the Spider who hunts my
Divinity;
with the Madness of my un-doing,
& the fortunes of the Bold...
for the necter of my Hearts embrace
deep in the vacuum of my Soul.

[life in profile]
the cards are all there so
there
can be no mistaking...
the only risk is the one that's
worth it...
saving & waiting &
not just fuckin' TAKING!!!
...all the chances, all the
missed
opportunities...
wasted!
so what if it plays
like a fiddle
or
into their hands...?
so what if even You
don't
quite understand?
the mirror's in profile
&
lacking in depth...
but
one day my son
this shit you pull
& do
will catch you in-
death...

...and where will you be
then?
hmmm?

[collaboration]
Simplicity speaks to everyone;
speaks in a liquid tongue...
to thy Father & long-absent Mother-love...
turn your head &
just...
look away.
let it all just
Fall...
...Away
off & around you...if
just for today...
Fade...fade into the daily
coffee-cups & environmentally
friendly
paper-bags of empty
I Love Yous &
good I love Yous, I Love Yous,
I LOVE YOUS.!.!.
empty of all Truth
---like the wasted days
of a wasted Youth...
empty like the Days &
the long cold
hard
lonely, lonely nights...
vacant
but Alive

[gone]
walked away...just too much
feeling
hit the pavement before I
hit the ceiling...
headed home...
reeling.
it took something...long since forgot
hidden these last few years
not known for ages...though needed
a lot
as the rain slowly soaked me
as I passed thru the streets
that something revived
strengthening me
gave me the strength to just
fuckin' leave

[incorrigible]
The Madness doesn't doubt me
The Madness knows my worth
It doesn't get embarrassed by me
or question what is pure
The Madness thinks I'm ugly
yet loves me all the more
The Madness is understanding
& helps me off the floor
The Madness is always giving
& knows I give my all
The Madness never leaves me
even when I fall
The Madness always wants me
The Madness holds me tight
It says that there is nothing but
The Madness & I

[hearts]
y' know what I think?
---but of coarse you do...;
there is a heart somewhere
right now
singing that love-worn blues
while,
else where, there is one
that sings that song of
Brand New Love;
Another one yearns
just to be touched.
Meanwhile, there are some
hearts locked-away,
life-less & cold.
Some having been burned,
some just burnt out;
the saddest of all...
those that never learned how

[full-flush to the moon]

I have stood on many front porches
face full-flush to the moon
with the mad, mad thoughts of mad-men
shelter
from the soul-less living room
my heart might be breaking ---soar! for a moment
then swell then
KA-BOOM!
...it suddenly bursts
all in the minds-eye-imagery
of the one then called "Her"
gushing & spewing all my love and my gloom
spoken ever softly
face full-flush to the moon

I know I'll die heart-bleeding
face full-flush to the moon
in the maddest my-own-moment
with a Her as my doom

[FAILED HAIKU]
dream in sleep
the death that still weeps
now i am

fall away
from the noose we save
now i am

now i am
as she said i'd be
where is she?

dead.

[the new-ness of my heart]
what will the child
of
last week see?
what will he dream of? what will he
be?
akin and comparable---
a literary parable;
to
the modern symmetrical---
oral history
i think...
therefore He Will Be!
in spite of
light of
the moon-shine blood
of family
this child of only
one goddamm week (!!!)
this new light of life
this pillar, soon-to-be;
will harness and hold all the
lives,
all the deeds;
will tell no lies
being honest & free
He is the future...

(that once was me)

[aye carumba!]
even in portland...
{SCENE EXT. residential city street; view of sidewalk from across the street; wide angle; guy appears from off screen LHS carrying grocery bag with bottles, ear-buds in ears - head bops to music, ray-ban-style sunglasses on; woman appears from off-screen RHS in spandex running pants, tank top, head band, wrist-band - carrying a name-brand coffee cup, designer euro-style sunglasses on; both walk towards each other...}

the sun hangs still new and steamy from the remains of evenings dew as i
spy a power-walking 20-something with name-brand coffee cup/enima in her hand
(she looks like a single shot, 1-pump-vanilla, non-fat grande latte kind-of-gal)
she looks disdainly at me, even from a distance, and does not return my cheerful smile
me, carrying home the 2 new bottles of recently liberated/purchased cheap-ass-wine
at this tender AM hour; i just keep on smiling as Joe Strummer howls thru my headphones
and keep on smiling like a retarded person whose just pissed themselves.
the distance is closing between us, and the cars pass by on the street
she takes another look at this pretty-boy with the 3-days-worth-of-scruff on his face
i can almost hear the horse-like snort of disgust blast out her flaring nostrils
coupled with that cold, hard look of the judgmental hanging flat in her eyes
my smile nearly breaks into a chuckle my eyes would betray if not shielded by my shades
i nod my head as i pass and smile 10-times-brighter at the thrill of spite
a roll of her eyes, of the minimal sorts; the last declaration of contemptuous looks
then she's gone...
off to her jazzercise-yoga-yogurt-bubble-bath-retreat
back to her ikea-brand matched living & dinning room sets
and the luke-warm marriage to a similarly dull drone of a nameless cubicle workspace
onwards and forwards to chemically glaze her store-bought urban garden front yard
to the PTA meetings, city council meetings, neighborhood association meetings, etc ad nausem;
to make up new rules and regulations to increase both property and childrens values
out of my sight, and soon out of my mind - a taste of the OC pretension of home
slow-motion-run as i turn up the broken walkway to my non-association associated home
my front yard bares the scars of the decade's worth of neglect of the prior tenants
over-grown, ill-placed, and poorly groomed shrubbery infested with a spiders galore
entire genetic lines of un-known species lay hidden within clumps of dead leaves
plop down on the front steps amidst the scattered remains of cigarettes & newspapers
crack the cap of the cheapest-i-could-find bottle of red red wine
take a good long pull and look out on the world and think:

even in portland...
people suck just as bad as they always do and do everywhere
even in portland...
the human tendency for passing judgment on others still reigns supreme
even in portland...
Oprah leads a gaggle of stay-at-home-soccer-mom's in a Pied-Piper-ish way, to where?
even in portland...
the ugliness and depravity of our once-great-society shows thru...

thru the veneer of sustainability and so-called 'green' technology
thru the haze billowing from the just-outside-of-town-wood-mill/factories
thru the poster-perfect presentation on display every day downtown
thru the see-thu sugar coating of the last dance of a dying dream...
even in portland...
i live my life as i wish to be;
despite and in spite of everyone else
i am, and must be
ME

[ dearly catharsis ]
watch the pygmies take the train
spewing out short-range-radio-waves
up & out in all directions
clouding my mesosphere with their
toxic air
bad vibes jingling; undulating from inner ears
inducing shock and trauma to my parietal lobe
the scene dissolves into a Dali dream
and i percolate between the seams
falling faster in vacuum air
cocoon-like wrapped in a vacant stare
this is how they'll discover me
mummified in ectasy

[at the end of the bottle]
she woke me up to see she was leaving.
already packed with a cab on the way...
in the near-dear state of semi-sleep i could tell
she was serious
this time.
my bottle exposed beside the bare mattress floor,
the tenuous glue that once fostered love.
did i bother to brush the foggy cob-webs of dreams from my eyes
to say at last
goodbye?
would the morning cold and the sober chill send this raving beauty back
into the stupor comfort of my arms?
ten million stars snuffed out by dawn.
my arm goes out as if to draw her near
but ends wrapping the bottle
to finish the job.
the fire in her eyes boils over.
she unleashes hell verbose.
slams the door.
i hear her cry outside.
i cry
on the inside....
this bottle's done.

[tongue tied]
the cunning linguist
count's the several pieces
of his heart
on a millionairess/wife
then shoots the arab
with a stunning pair of
loaded 12-sided dice

[rad]


Lyrics | WIlly Wonka Cast - Pure Imagination lyrics

[paltry]
a
naked
heart
to
bare
the
soul
aflame

[gnosticy 17]
i dont particularly WANT to
meet all my deamons...
the near-skeletal-corpses
rotting away in my closet(!)
but circumstances prevail
&
previous stupidities mount up...
revealing choices...
(and ive obvously done a
FANTASTIC
job at those so far, hmmm?!)
but the closets' stench could reach
unbearable
what matters
now
(all)
is when

[spooky]
the ghosts' freeze us
with time we've passed;
tentacles deep---
into the doubtful hearts we have
memories of haunt & spice
we hold...
but, why?
---ive asked many,
none know

[the fall]
crushed between forces
in that proverbial place
so do yourself a favor
pack up & get away...
...you try n you fall...:|
cool enough to get it
still you give it away...
...you try n you fall...:|
tongue-n-cheek feelings
left looking for meanings
wipe off that love from
your face
prosthetic child
alone & defiled
no hope for getting away...

knows but still hopes for
some day...
still...

[daydream]
i will
pretend
i dont need you
since you
wont
let on that you
care

[muddling]
resistance breaks down
with a look that's mistaken
the need built from
childhood
& the years incubating
so it goes
one direction
same as it's always been
perhaps better off
just
masturbating...

[changes}
there are changes
aplenty
subtle & minute
drastic & revealing
changes in the wind
but which is the one that
chills me?
to the bone
the arctic blast sweeping this city?
or the impending alterations to my life?
changes
neither good nor
evil
---applied only in reference
changes
necessary & needed
changes...
come
regardless of our desires
or
because of
them
changes
happen

[contrary]
swallow up that pride,
my son...
& convince thy self that
love
, sweet love...
of story-book/fairy-tales
(lies,
each & every one)
believe what youu need
that its there for the taking
worth any effort (even breaking)
so try
try
TRY!!! (goddammit)
...so that when sober moments come
& the curtains open up
there is only
truth,
sweet truth
(unbiased proof)
reveals the obscene use
the loniness feared all along
(in time; & in youth)
cant be denied
accept it
its you

[vortices]
some how
some way
even still...
she moves
me.
unshakeable
like
gravity...
always
pulling me
in.

[perfected]
she moves in waves of audible light
& sways, sashays, in time
alright?
with stunning grace of the
instinctive kind
hypnotized...
shes hypnotizing...
lost into its rhythm
calling
from primal parts in hiding
deep dark corners of the mind
seductive
& sensual
every movement pre-defined
by ancient worship
rites
enshrined

[medal of honour]
draw in deep
hold that breath
heart pinned & worn
to my chest
no sorrow now...
whats done is done
stoic mind
forgotten one

[cold]
a krack! in the night & im up
the angels have stopped crying
distant sounds of the city
waking up...6am outside my window
its cold for october
all 4 days left
on comes saints day
eternal hallows eve
layered up, back in bed --- only to get up again;
hunt for, & find!;
beloved woolen socks...rarely to be taken off
again
til faithless spring equinox comes
bringing snuggie(tm)-warm coating of the sun
...
some driver passes below my head
stare into the nothing behind my eyes
imagination ---uncontrolled, wonders what these
people know; where do they go?
what dont i know?
...a great many things i suppose...

...like mental self-control

[contemplative compilation]
tell me,
love,
what should i be?
a comatose
or
lustful plaything?
a mind inside
that
rants
& raves?
a foolish
boy
no one
can save...

or something less
you throw away...
?

its 9 am now
& i must
awake
to fill the void
that love
forsakes...
& in my hole
where i
debate
the casual
happenstance
of life
led fate;
no sign of life
yet
to
contemplate...

...so much
strange
experience(s)...
to try and find
where
love
was spent...
1000 times
it came
& went...
on flames
of wings
that dreams
have sent...
...but left me
with a
hole inside
that which no one
gets...

tho once the mind
gets
set
then the wheels
they can have motion
& nothing, then, can
stop
this beast from going
like the planet
ever turning
& the people
always moving...;
if i could find
a moments choosing,
i would,
of coarse,
choose the one thats
losing
...thats just me
living poison.

[holy $h@#!]
odd in its brevity
damned as forthright
magic aint a part of this
no...
this just fucked up $h@#!

[pasty pastry]
i saw the Devil
eat
a doughnut
& walk off with
a laugh
from deep in His belly
& it occurred to me
just then
that there is
evil
in all us.
i once escaped into
the mountains
that whole
God-is-Great-country
thing
& i smoked
to get high
just to numb myself
of emotions
from the pureness
and utter
beauty
of things.
so i dwell now
in the open
i have no fear
just get lonely
for the evil
and the beauty
always
surrounds me.

[damnable thing]
my hearts still attatched
but my brain knows better
soon enough---
i WILL forget her
if i drink enough
everything will be
all-right
if i drink too much...
i may just...just...
fall away...atleast
for tonight

[shade]
theres a shade
like a whisper
that still
screams
thru mine eyes
for that
cause
of affection
-my affliction-
dug from memory.
theres a song
like a movie
someone's playing
right now
in the bar
that i drink in
to stop thinkin
and how.
they dont know
that you live
now
in my melodies
for my sanity
for what it does
to me.

[positive affirmation]
i dreamed of you
you were a succubus
preying on my
unconditional
love...
knowing what it means
to me---
on a string
just ahead of me...;
& in this dream
you showed me my
death
you asked me and said,
"isnt it glorious?
morbid & moribund; do you
see?!...?"
and it was just she said
it would be
my anima in infinity
my essence at rest
& it was
just as it should be...
nothing more
nothing less

[inconsistant]
trembling moments
flash of light
dazed & numb...
in my mind

so long to the
bad-land band of
ill-gotten gains
trade for the makings
of a
brand-new day

open anew
occular view
cranial change
of an old cavity

[woman]
she teases as she
pleases
me
knows all of my
secret
things
knows exactly
what i need
but doesnt give it
well,
not exactly...
she dangles it out
in front
of me
like a carrot
on a
string
knows full well
i can take it
just as i know
she doesnt fake it
with everything i am
GODDAMN!
i love that woman

X

[blah-se]
calm the mind
with silence
still the heart
with love
feel the body
loosen
& the soul
get lifted up

[totalitarian utilitarianism]
i am the darkness
i am the light
and when i believe this
i am whole inside

[blast]
shadow about the living-room space
dancing to the candle-light; bright-eyed &
wasted...
pass on an off-chance moment in time
in the tough shade of love, i live
totally blind
this starry-gaze of slight hazel hue
from the corner wall-hugging back-drop
view
stir in the silence-rendering night
live with the tough-love,
totally blind

[hmmmpfff]
when i needed something
you were not there
such a minor little thing
i thought only fair
a show of affection,
some sign that you cared
but you couldnt be bothered
to return what ive shared
now im left with a wanting
& you
just not here

[pseudo]
centered in me there lies
the dark chasm, childhood
there are things i cant
change
nor ever escape
from
its surrounded by light
& the brightness, come naturally
but 'ever it waits
there
knawing inside
me
& will remain still
when im gone

[pseudo-religious]
i lost my faith
& it may be
that
THAT
is the hardest thing
to replace

[open post]
what comes next is
anyones guess
the heart
the mind
the soul
the flesh
...needs
ignored for
what we
think
is best...
but natural to our very
existence
not love, nor lust
as we know it
something else
so different
something we must decide
is worth
all of it

[needs]
i am energized,
as i usually am
powered by all my
observations
i want
i think
i need
something...
to feel...?
...something...
real?
is it; am i;
is anything at all
really
real?
im out of passion
out of breath
and feeling
so much closer
to the death
i believe in
and thought i left
so long
ago

[naked]
a moment that i keep close to my heart
a simple thing, really; but
by and large
it does something, deep down inside
of me...
lets me know im still alive;
like a shard of glass buried below my
eye...
the moon-lit glow that holds you
close
paints your skin and inspires prose;
words that seem to just
flow...
stops me dead in my tracks; as i
trace the lines of your bare
back
the shadows the moon-light
casts...
captivating me
with the beauty of your form
art
au natural

[ star bright ]
i look at the stars & see
a million smiles raining down on me
thru the aeons of eternity
to fill me with...
something...














am i running away
or am i running towards
some future i have yet to discover
?

[ellipsis en vogue]
now is the time
sparkling new
the fat
no---
pregnant
possum
creeps thru
my new yard
& the spiders too
are multiplying
prolifically
everywhere i turn
spring is in view
the possum waddles off
to sleep
its early
still
there may be hope
for me

[loved letters]
i want to write a love letter
to her
an attempt to convey all these feelings
i have
for her
nothing grossly tangled in rhymes
or defined rhythms
no overly grandois analogies or
vague ish subtle references to
some thing
some place
some one
she may or may not even friggin
know
no,
i want to write just a pure & honest
love letter
to give
to her
about her
a declaration of my love &
adoration
for her
my respect & total acceptance
of all that makes her
HER
and this over-all & over whelming
fondness
that i feel
for her
one she'll read over 1000 times
and think of every day
each time it will make her
smile
for her
for me(!)
i want to write a love letter
and this time actually give it
to her

[pandoras neglected box]
she piqued for a sec and possiblities abounded and astounded
and left all involved feeling
very well rounded
but the thoughts led to motions that lead only to token
thoughts and expressions
and
vague-ish-type references
when i finally get what it took 8 hours to say
the moment has fled and left only a cold face
towards that which i just finally realized...(i am
pretty slow,
ye know?)
so it goes
so they say
may never know
we allowed obsticles to block our way

[office_space]
if nobody moves
the lights go out
is that true for the world?

[ it ]
unwavering
it
remains
all new
&
all the same
it
floods
&
it
drains
taking all
leaving
everything
still
it
remains
unwavering
despite
&
because
f everything...
it
remains

[ ah yeah ]
...and there she is
my un-nameable
in bright, vivid pixel
pastel hues
a coronary
waiting to happen
a breath of soul
a gods-honest-truth
(if gods can be honestly true)
to fill my empty
cavity
animate my limbs
a reason to create
created
an action
or
re-action
to a simple thing
that means the world
to me
her smile

{ quote of the week }
"all my life my heart has sought
a thing i cannot name"
~anon from "hell's angels" by HST

[thought]
run the gamut
feel the stab
the love i want
the love i have

[imbolic]
been delving deep, of late
inside this head of mine
looking back
to look ahead
these pieces of my past
create me
mold
me
shape me into
the man i am & hope
to be

{ sadness comes in 3's }

Howard Zinn

JD Salinger

????

RIP gentlemen

[memento]
mark my words
with time
it heals
strangers remarks
some subtle look
from mom
everything fades
with time
gotta love
time
the passing days
the moments
praised
shared
in love
these too
will fade
with time
the world turns
so we must keep
moving
or we too
will fade

with time...

[break the monkey]
static base
heartbeat
racing
ricochets(sp?)
off my inner
ear
each second hangs
like a life line/time
waiting
for a kiss
that
tastes
like love

[return]
pretty girls make pretty scars
walkin over my heart
in heels

{this day in history}
on this day in 1835, the US was debt free. there is some argument as to how long
it lasted...varying from 1 day to atleast a year...it is now at over 12 trillion!

[rosey beads]
my pennance is paid
in the love that i live
for it was
against
love
that i once sinned
i confess
& i
repent
each and every day
for my god-awful
sin
i showed such disdain
for the love that she
gave
so freely
& with out thought
i took & i took
i never gave a fuck
she promised
eternity
and i assumed it would be
assumption can fuck with
everything
now i have this debt to repay
for the love i had
but never really gave

...hours later & i
still
get a shiver
so much in my thoughts
no chance
to forget
HER
thru a dream & into
my mind
there she stays
behind my eyes

[love?]
what is most important
in dealings of love?
is it how she makes me
feel,
most of the time
or
the fact that its not
ALL
of the time?
i have been in this place
once or twice before
and
i have made mistakes.
i dont want to make
more
this self-conscience
and self-deprecating
place
i find myself now
reminds me of why
i
found
it so easy to shrug off
all hopes of ever being
in love,
its a fucked up feeling
highest highs
lowest lows
my bi-polar nature only
makes it
more so...
so why did i ever allow this
to happen?
why did i offer up more than
attraction?
yes, i am a hopeless
romantic
and
yes, i may be a fool
but mostly i did it
'cause
she asked me to

[dance]
so you wanna dance with the devil?
but
the devil dont dance
so you
kick off yer shoes and you
pull off yer pants
but the devils in a mood
which sometimes happens
when yer damned

so you call on the devil
but you
get His machine
it says
"leave a message"
but what kinda message do you leave?!?
so you try again later
and pray that He's home
but
who do you pray to,
&
where
does it
go?

--start--
just as long as i have this---
-a beer in the fridge
-a warm loving kiss
just as long as i have this---

[contemplate]
here & now
she cries out
in a dream
sends me off
thinking
oh---
the possibilities
watch your mouth
in the
here & now
dont let those
bed-bugs
dream
oh---
what shes done
to me
sends me off
screaming
now & then
i feel
somethings
but
here & now
i'd rather
dream

{Quote of the Week}
“ The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are made to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” ~Jack Kerouac

[tempt]
tempt me not, you adulturous waif
send me not your bad vibe mojo
tell me all your secrets and fears
believe in me
and i will leave you in tears

[le sigh]
hollywood
i miss you
the petty vibes of the hipster scene
the street corner man who offers everything
your transvestite mexican streetwalkers
your coke-binging actors
the general smell of piss and sterno
and the late night walks where
i saw it all

{Quote of the week}
" In less than a year the Bush administration will strut
out of office leaving the country in roughly
the same condition
a toddler leaves a diaper"

from my mom

[depraved new world]
possibilities arise at the sound
of a word &
the grrrl of my dreams
it finally seems
wants me
and i can think of nothing
more
than her, naked, on my bed
am i fucked in the head?
as oh so many have said
so i may be depraved
so what?

{Quote for the Day}
"there is seriously something wrong with this counrty
when a persons greatest moment is the end of the day"

[digital repose]
blanket ashes on the ground
burned down all the things
that i found and kept around
so many titles, so little time
drunk again to forget my lines
such a jack n jill rhyme that i
well, i just about lose my mind...

{feckin hilarious}
i just did a google search for dirty pigeons and
this
came up


hahahahahahahahahahahaha

-bd

[pdx]
the sounds of this city
will
never leave
me
like the cold sudden
chill
of death

[sadness?]
the warm arms of my mistress
keep me from my
cold, dark, lonely nights

but i miss 'em

{excerpt}
them dirty pigeons
they are
lost in flight
and everythings fine
lost to her on a tuesday night
and everythings fine
once youre sure you can do no
wrong
if
everythings fine
& everythings fine...
you ll hang but deserved
(i dont need you)
cool hands from the dirt
(say you feel it too)
i know what you do
& i know its silly
come
back
to me...

[molded]
when the scarlet dawn flashes its first light
or when the girl you love first opens her eyes
does the the child inside scream out with delight?
or hold it back, hold it in; 'til he explodes
& dies?
never mind that painful beauty
pay no mind to that glory-light
will my voice, my words still die with me
if only my inner child dies?
when our dreams are but a memory
will our lives get folded back?
its been eight years relentlessly
knowing
all the things which i lack
the waters swell by the light of the
near-full moon shinning bright
will the moment come for truth?
feelings numbed and a heart thats dumb
(& still so young)
my life laid out as living proof
say you love me
say you do

[grrrr!]
knawed off at the ankles
but im still swimming deep
looking for that friend/lover
who wont abandon me
seems like theres more to this
seems so undeserved
so i close my eyes and whisper my prayers
and hope my prayers are heard

[balls!]
just manage to get things right
before the night closes in
to shroud me in darkness
once again
is she like me?
minus the apothecary side
are all hopes pinned to
the wrong sentimental thing?
shy away but keep going strong
because todays the day
whether im right or wrong

[a-okay]
i remain
as seasons change
everyday
the same but not
the same
i still remain
through dolls and dames
the joys and pains
through happy things
and horrors
and blame
i remain

...and i'd do it
all
again.

[something very...]
a rapid discharge of
cranial matter
smeared &
plastered
onto pressed bio-mass
shaped out and up
unto
canvas page
in
un-orderly
pollock-eque fashion
teetered on the brink
exchanged vows
with
the porcelin king
my throne
my home
and all
alone
sucking up airwaves &
spitting out
false
lines

[sleep]
still slightly lucid...just
enough
to write this down
she, lying next to me;
she,
tucked safely in dreams---
this life is better
than
any dream of mine
so i
dare not close my eyes
i'd rather be right here
right now
with her by my
side

[shaved]
was it mine?
or did we notice
was it alright?
or do we care
something hard
just came
before this
& now we're
peeling back
another layer

a million times
i called you
sweetheart
used to think
how do i dare?
now its early
do we ever notice?
& we're
peeling back
another layer

...just a thought...
i feel as though ive lost a piece of my humanity.
the constant bombardment of 'unfortunates' bumming
for change or a cigarette has worn me down. i now
find myself getting angry at them, hating them for
making me feel guilty. no where else have i seen
bums work so agressively. running across a street
to pounce on some unsuspecting target. coupled with
the sheer number of 'unfortunates' here in portland,
i am assailed, pursued, and beraided as many as four
times (but never less than once) in the six blocks
i walk to or from school. multiply that by two for
each walk (to & from) and add to that the assaults
i endure each time i go out for a cigarette each day
(whether at school or at home, i am especially a
target if i already have a lit cigarette) and i find
myself being hammered by bums sometimes more than
TEN TIMES A DAY!!! normal methods of avoidance like
not making eye contact rarely work. i have even been
insulted and cursed at by someone asking me for money!?!
in san fransico the pan-handlers have a smooth & more
laid-back system of bumming change. they congregate
around the haight street mcdonalds, starting drum
circles and jams up in the park and leaving just an
open guitar case or a bucket open for people to drop
money in IF THEY PLEASE. rarely does one find the
abbraisive and constant intrusion that we portlanders
are subjected to on a daily basis. in san fransico &
in los angeles (and in most other cities ive lived in)
i often gave a buck or two, or whatever change i had,
to an 'unfortunate'. i have taken quite a few out for
a meal. before i moved to portland i spent every holiday
season working in a soup kitchen. i used to feel a
great amount of sorrow for those who could not care for
themselves. i have listened to them, each with their
own story of sorrow and suffering. yeah, some are just
drunken wastoids. some have no one but themselves to
blame for their situation. but i wasnt looking to blame.
i just wanted to help. in the first three months that
i lived here in portland i gave out an estimated $200
in change and cigarettes! i am not a wealthy man, i am
not impoverished, but i am not wealthy. i cannot support
some of my own habits, let alone those of others. so
why should i feel such guilt everyday because of these
innumerable bums?; with their dirty faces, starving dogs,
tattered clothes, and lame excuses. i wish i could help
everyone who needs it. i wish i could hand out money
at will. but now i find myself closing up, getting angry,
losing my humanity, feeling guilty because I CANT.
some of the pan-handlers ive talked to in the past,
when i asked them how they do it...how they can ask
a complete stranger to give them money for nothing;
they have all answered, 'it doesnt hurt to ask'
well, i say to you now...all of you bums, pan-handlers,
vagabonds, vagrants, moochers, hobos, and unfortunates:
it DOES hurt to ask. it just doesnt hurt YOU.

*yes, i know writing a blog directed, in part, to homeless
people seems rather retarded...piss off, i needed to vent.

[peh!]
stop to be bothered
in the land of my father
shades of immeasurable grey
stop talking backwards and
feel free to move on
kept distant & removed
though
from you

hope you had a
happy birthday
babe

[words x]
what i cant say to you
is
everything
that i want to
held back by the fear
you wont like what you
hear
so
i dont say a word
about
everything i want to

[ricochet]
bullet-proof in my
self-deception
cant break away from my
vanity
too foolish to think
i am the fool
all too aware of
you



you make me feel this way
you make me feel
again
just when i didnt want to
anymore

[soon]
thoughts come too quick
sometimes
spouting out in fits
& ryhmes
bombarding my frontal lobe
with
mad designs
& thoughts
in overload
i cannot help these things
i know
too quick they come
&
so quick
they go

[her]
the fear
heavy mountain
the entire
weight of the world
here
in
the garden
my thoughts
return
to her

[orange soda]
taunt me, woman, with your
beauty
& words
speak of glorious unions &
true
blinding light
sasshay into picture
tease in a pose
i love how you tease me...
i love that you know

[ventilation]
breathe
a whole new life into
me
sterilized
so fresh & so
clean
a manifest
destiny
help me out of
purgatory
where my soul has wept
&
where it
bleeds
show me a whole new life
with traces of that vanquished
feeling
happy things
...
just remember
to
breathe

[coma]
learn to dream but
not
of dying
feel the weight when
its
all around
me
want to live if
its
worth
the suffering
just a day of
understanding

[dagnamit]
where do we go from here?
there'll be no fingers pointed
no vicious sneer
ugly, ugly words you wouldnt
want
your mother to hear
but where, o where my dear
do we go from here?
you've stated your reservations
and ive given up my
intentions
both still from fear
neither side wanting to get
hurt
but willing
to
maybe
try
a little?
:)
need some guiding light by which
to stear
figure out where we go
from here

[a fool with words]
nevermind the puns &
prose
that way with words
that
heavens knows
poor puntuation
&
the dream
aside
i'll have my way
with words
tonight

[void ix]
as if at once the joke was played
& the geisha girls go a go-go-rocking
down the calvacade
in electric vinyl tape
autumn leaves
a shallow grave
pour me out
into space

[0.k]
i wont alter my
perception
to the lonely void
for just one second
but i will align
my heart
& mind
to find some peaceful,
stabalized,
even grade
to
walk upon
&
feel
o.k.

("o.k" comes from the middle ages
when the plague was ransacking
the population; '0.k' meant was
painted on doors meaning Zero Killed)