[rosey beads]
my pennance is paid
in the love that i live
for it was
against
love
that i once sinned
i confess
& i
repent
each and every day
for my god-awful
sin
i showed such disdain
for the love that she
gave
so freely
& with out thought
i took & i took
i never gave a fuck
she promised
eternity
and i assumed it would be
assumption can fuck with
everything
now i have this debt to repay
for the love i had
but never really gave

...hours later & i
still
get a shiver
so much in my thoughts
no chance
to forget
HER
thru a dream & into
my mind
there she stays
behind my eyes

[love?]
what is most important
in dealings of love?
is it how she makes me
feel,
most of the time
or
the fact that its not
ALL
of the time?
i have been in this place
once or twice before
and
i have made mistakes.
i dont want to make
more
this self-conscience
and self-deprecating
place
i find myself now
reminds me of why
i
found
it so easy to shrug off
all hopes of ever being
in love,
its a fucked up feeling
highest highs
lowest lows
my bi-polar nature only
makes it
more so...
so why did i ever allow this
to happen?
why did i offer up more than
attraction?
yes, i am a hopeless
romantic
and
yes, i may be a fool
but mostly i did it
'cause
she asked me to

[dance]
so you wanna dance with the devil?
but
the devil dont dance
so you
kick off yer shoes and you
pull off yer pants
but the devils in a mood
which sometimes happens
when yer damned

so you call on the devil
but you
get His machine
it says
"leave a message"
but what kinda message do you leave?!?
so you try again later
and pray that He's home
but
who do you pray to,
&
where
does it
go?

--start--
just as long as i have this---
-a beer in the fridge
-a warm loving kiss
just as long as i have this---

[contemplate]
here & now
she cries out
in a dream
sends me off
thinking
oh---
the possibilities
watch your mouth
in the
here & now
dont let those
bed-bugs
dream
oh---
what shes done
to me
sends me off
screaming
now & then
i feel
somethings
but
here & now
i'd rather
dream

{Quote of the Week}
“ The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are made to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” ~Jack Kerouac

[tempt]
tempt me not, you adulturous waif
send me not your bad vibe mojo
tell me all your secrets and fears
believe in me
and i will leave you in tears

[le sigh]
hollywood
i miss you
the petty vibes of the hipster scene
the street corner man who offers everything
your transvestite mexican streetwalkers
your coke-binging actors
the general smell of piss and sterno
and the late night walks where
i saw it all

{Quote of the week}
" In less than a year the Bush administration will strut
out of office leaving the country in roughly
the same condition
a toddler leaves a diaper"

from my mom

[depraved new world]
possibilities arise at the sound
of a word &
the grrrl of my dreams
it finally seems
wants me
and i can think of nothing
more
than her, naked, on my bed
am i fucked in the head?
as oh so many have said
so i may be depraved
so what?

{Quote for the Day}
"there is seriously something wrong with this counrty
when a persons greatest moment is the end of the day"

[digital repose]
blanket ashes on the ground
burned down all the things
that i found and kept around
so many titles, so little time
drunk again to forget my lines
such a jack n jill rhyme that i
well, i just about lose my mind...

{feckin hilarious}
i just did a google search for dirty pigeons and
this
came up


hahahahahahahahahahahaha

-bd

[pdx]
the sounds of this city
will
never leave
me
like the cold sudden
chill
of death

[sadness?]
the warm arms of my mistress
keep me from my
cold, dark, lonely nights

but i miss 'em

{excerpt}
them dirty pigeons
they are
lost in flight
and everythings fine
lost to her on a tuesday night
and everythings fine
once youre sure you can do no
wrong
if
everythings fine
& everythings fine...
you ll hang but deserved
(i dont need you)
cool hands from the dirt
(say you feel it too)
i know what you do
& i know its silly
come
back
to me...

[molded]
when the scarlet dawn flashes its first light
or when the girl you love first opens her eyes
does the the child inside scream out with delight?
or hold it back, hold it in; 'til he explodes
& dies?
never mind that painful beauty
pay no mind to that glory-light
will my voice, my words still die with me
if only my inner child dies?
when our dreams are but a memory
will our lives get folded back?
its been eight years relentlessly
knowing
all the things which i lack
the waters swell by the light of the
near-full moon shinning bright
will the moment come for truth?
feelings numbed and a heart thats dumb
(& still so young)
my life laid out as living proof
say you love me
say you do

[grrrr!]
knawed off at the ankles
but im still swimming deep
looking for that friend/lover
who wont abandon me
seems like theres more to this
seems so undeserved
so i close my eyes and whisper my prayers
and hope my prayers are heard

[balls!]
just manage to get things right
before the night closes in
to shroud me in darkness
once again
is she like me?
minus the apothecary side
are all hopes pinned to
the wrong sentimental thing?
shy away but keep going strong
because todays the day
whether im right or wrong

[a-okay]
i remain
as seasons change
everyday
the same but not
the same
i still remain
through dolls and dames
the joys and pains
through happy things
and horrors
and blame
i remain

...and i'd do it
all
again.

[something very...]
a rapid discharge of
cranial matter
smeared &
plastered
onto pressed bio-mass
shaped out and up
unto
canvas page
in
un-orderly
pollock-eque fashion
teetered on the brink
exchanged vows
with
the porcelin king
my throne
my home
and all
alone
sucking up airwaves &
spitting out
false
lines

[sleep]
still slightly lucid...just
enough
to write this down
she, lying next to me;
she,
tucked safely in dreams---
this life is better
than
any dream of mine
so i
dare not close my eyes
i'd rather be right here
right now
with her by my
side

[shaved]
was it mine?
or did we notice
was it alright?
or do we care
something hard
just came
before this
& now we're
peeling back
another layer

a million times
i called you
sweetheart
used to think
how do i dare?
now its early
do we ever notice?
& we're
peeling back
another layer

...just a thought...
i feel as though ive lost a piece of my humanity.
the constant bombardment of 'unfortunates' bumming
for change or a cigarette has worn me down. i now
find myself getting angry at them, hating them for
making me feel guilty. no where else have i seen
bums work so agressively. running across a street
to pounce on some unsuspecting target. coupled with
the sheer number of 'unfortunates' here in portland,
i am assailed, pursued, and beraided as many as four
times (but never less than once) in the six blocks
i walk to or from school. multiply that by two for
each walk (to & from) and add to that the assaults
i endure each time i go out for a cigarette each day
(whether at school or at home, i am especially a
target if i already have a lit cigarette) and i find
myself being hammered by bums sometimes more than
TEN TIMES A DAY!!! normal methods of avoidance like
not making eye contact rarely work. i have even been
insulted and cursed at by someone asking me for money!?!
in san fransico the pan-handlers have a smooth & more
laid-back system of bumming change. they congregate
around the haight street mcdonalds, starting drum
circles and jams up in the park and leaving just an
open guitar case or a bucket open for people to drop
money in IF THEY PLEASE. rarely does one find the
abbraisive and constant intrusion that we portlanders
are subjected to on a daily basis. in san fransico &
in los angeles (and in most other cities ive lived in)
i often gave a buck or two, or whatever change i had,
to an 'unfortunate'. i have taken quite a few out for
a meal. before i moved to portland i spent every holiday
season working in a soup kitchen. i used to feel a
great amount of sorrow for those who could not care for
themselves. i have listened to them, each with their
own story of sorrow and suffering. yeah, some are just
drunken wastoids. some have no one but themselves to
blame for their situation. but i wasnt looking to blame.
i just wanted to help. in the first three months that
i lived here in portland i gave out an estimated $200
in change and cigarettes! i am not a wealthy man, i am
not impoverished, but i am not wealthy. i cannot support
some of my own habits, let alone those of others. so
why should i feel such guilt everyday because of these
innumerable bums?; with their dirty faces, starving dogs,
tattered clothes, and lame excuses. i wish i could help
everyone who needs it. i wish i could hand out money
at will. but now i find myself closing up, getting angry,
losing my humanity, feeling guilty because I CANT.
some of the pan-handlers ive talked to in the past,
when i asked them how they do it...how they can ask
a complete stranger to give them money for nothing;
they have all answered, 'it doesnt hurt to ask'
well, i say to you now...all of you bums, pan-handlers,
vagabonds, vagrants, moochers, hobos, and unfortunates:
it DOES hurt to ask. it just doesnt hurt YOU.

*yes, i know writing a blog directed, in part, to homeless
people seems rather retarded...piss off, i needed to vent.

[peh!]
stop to be bothered
in the land of my father
shades of immeasurable grey
stop talking backwards and
feel free to move on
kept distant & removed
though
from you

hope you had a
happy birthday
babe

[words x]
what i cant say to you
is
everything
that i want to
held back by the fear
you wont like what you
hear
so
i dont say a word
about
everything i want to

[ricochet]
bullet-proof in my
self-deception
cant break away from my
vanity
too foolish to think
i am the fool
all too aware of
you



you make me feel this way
you make me feel
again
just when i didnt want to
anymore

[soon]
thoughts come too quick
sometimes
spouting out in fits
& ryhmes
bombarding my frontal lobe
with
mad designs
& thoughts
in overload
i cannot help these things
i know
too quick they come
&
so quick
they go

[her]
the fear
heavy mountain
the entire
weight of the world
here
in
the garden
my thoughts
return
to her

[orange soda]
taunt me, woman, with your
beauty
& words
speak of glorious unions &
true
blinding light
sasshay into picture
tease in a pose
i love how you tease me...
i love that you know

[ventilation]
breathe
a whole new life into
me
sterilized
so fresh & so
clean
a manifest
destiny
help me out of
purgatory
where my soul has wept
&
where it
bleeds
show me a whole new life
with traces of that vanquished
feeling
happy things
...
just remember
to
breathe

[coma]
learn to dream but
not
of dying
feel the weight when
its
all around
me
want to live if
its
worth
the suffering
just a day of
understanding

[dagnamit]
where do we go from here?
there'll be no fingers pointed
no vicious sneer
ugly, ugly words you wouldnt
want
your mother to hear
but where, o where my dear
do we go from here?
you've stated your reservations
and ive given up my
intentions
both still from fear
neither side wanting to get
hurt
but willing
to
maybe
try
a little?
:)
need some guiding light by which
to stear
figure out where we go
from here

[a fool with words]
nevermind the puns &
prose
that way with words
that
heavens knows
poor puntuation
&
the dream
aside
i'll have my way
with words
tonight

[void ix]
as if at once the joke was played
& the geisha girls go a go-go-rocking
down the calvacade
in electric vinyl tape
autumn leaves
a shallow grave
pour me out
into space

[0.k]
i wont alter my
perception
to the lonely void
for just one second
but i will align
my heart
& mind
to find some peaceful,
stabalized,
even grade
to
walk upon
&
feel
o.k.

("o.k" comes from the middle ages
when the plague was ransacking
the population; '0.k' meant was
painted on doors meaning Zero Killed)

[empty]
sitting here
my bottle
empty
feeling numb
&
a little
silly
crack a
smile
because
its ok
watch the
sun
rise
in a
different
way

[cool hand luke]
booby-trap in the blood red sky
tonight
ephervesent, diamond-like
its baby steps to
get
it
right
i guess i'll sleep alone
tonight

[ataraxia ii]
blush at the meaning
which
calms the mortal flame
experience in
numbers;
the ratio
that bleeds

[hey zeus]
daydream pisser, go on
just kiss her
who's the fool to know
a bitter sweet
memory
hanging in the back of your
mouth
rant
& raving
but its death im craving
& i want it
right
now

all of these feelings
will pass
ALL of these feelings
will
pass

[usury]
ancient beings belong together
nothing more
& the sciences of a lifetime
seeks
the inbetween
now & then
in the modest hopes
of
all that is
& the hopes of
what could be
AND that which she
WOULD be
such as
that
upon reflection
i am
better equipped
to speak these words
that
i reflect
after 14 years of so much
shit
and not much sense
to tell me what i cant
want to hear
im glad to see you're still
so
godamned pretty
you say im a
sexy man
shat upon in the younger years
so
whos to know
took such a small part
in
the infinite
but used as you
learn
to wield the power
that you never wanted
to know

[indeed]
strain to read the street signs
we're still
1000 miles behind
daylight-dreaming
on the asphalt
screaming
"you can do it!"
in foreign tongues
bow
to the craving
save only those worth
saving
theres no need to whisper
no need
to shout
no need
indeed

[counting sheep]
how do i sleep
when im losing my mind
each night
all of these horrible
dreams
keep me afraid of
closing
my eyes
there are terrible things
that wait
for me
on the other side
of
the light

lobotomy101

[sic et non du]
the sunshine is key
a safe harbour in the distance
safety is everything; everything is
safety
moonlight, calm waters
beauty turned
disaster
so much in this instant
too much
but i'll take it
mirror imagery
making funny faces at everything
calm in the waters
all said & done
sunshine and happiness and i
stick out my tongue

[blue]
drawn into a dream
slowly
like in the way, way back
discovery of strength &
the ever-present will that comes
with it
a shared smile that could mean
so much
the light of eyes to
illuminate
the soul
drown inside this dream of
lonliness
& come out clean

[red]
the sun breathes color
and i do too
shades of cold-wind, winter blues
thousands of dead leaves litter
the ground
the morning train & im up
too late
the sun 'll breathe color
into my face

[hot]
bashful understatement to the mood thats
over-rated
leave it be
and just
be free
but always
never
fake it

[get it?]
another bottle to keep me
warm
a loving family to do no
wrong
a disbelief in a
right or wrong
a little grief in a heart-
love song

a vacant stare
a kiss
goodbye
see you soon
on the other side...

[gruesome]
monsters knashing bits of
flesh
salivia stench of decayed
death
behind closed eyes lies
a
movie screen
showing my horrors mixed
with
fantasy

[crimean]
love me or move me
not
waiting for the world to stop
spinning
could've been, for a while
atleast
last time
you forced that smile
from cheek to cheek
in the photographs &
the painted faces
never mind
we'll never make it

[zilch]
passive look behind your
eyes
contemplate your
suicide
never leave or love
again
silly thing
my sin

[automaton]
vision fails to reach
into consequence
a sly look could
have a thousand meanings
but these trees wont
complain
about heartaching
pain
& the stone & timber
monuments
of men
still remember what it was
like
to be free &
then some
for
their memories run deep
like the ancient caverns
of a
Lovecraftian
wet-dream
catch a glimpse & an
entire story
unfolds
carried on legs, attatched to
feet
walk away
& scream

[balls]
i thought i could do this
but
apparently im not that cool
scratching surface deep feelings
am i just a fool?
a tool?
to be used by you
at your
leisure?
insatiable teaser.
but my heart is still fragile
(im still just a whore)
ive
sobered my ways these days
no more
running out the back door
no more
running away

[who]
the whole day deflated
like
an old balloon;
weary & tired &
dying too
soon.
you watched as the
feelings
played out
'cross my face;
despite all best intentions
it always ends
the same
gotta play the game
but them rules still apply
"someone must feel pain"
& so
it seems
that someone
is
I

[damned again]
as it seems
so shall it be
the naked
truth
devouring me
i'd love to run
but there is
no time
do my
thing
close my
eyes

[hostile]
the needles kiss & i
bite
my lip.
strangers dance & its
romantic
flower pedals
that bloomed
in june
& wilt away until
next may
when promises made
shall
hold some
truth

[sterile clean]
antiseptic delirium
with a
face
that masquerades
as a
stale smile.
cause and effect and im
calling in
all bets;
hedging in
hedgemony
while
laughing
(declared insane)
(& funny)
over this;
quite
over done.
kiss, kiss
baby
see you on the
run
(we both have our fun)

[still]
im still here---
sitting
& waiting.
waiting for the opportunity
sitting on my dairie-aire;
still
im here.
& i'll
still
be here
when the cows come
home;
when it all becomes
clear.
i'll be
here.
i can
sit
&
i can
wait.
that, sometimes,
is
all it
takes

[haiku II]

buddah sits
in summers gold
& spits into the
soil

(ok, not 'haiku' technically; but shut up)

weep not, angels; no----
the point where two lines cross is
the story untold

the story reads death
too many kids dying for not
---all we need is love

so

buddah rests in all
loving angels never know
-GOD- resides in eyes

[haiku]
live, baby; be free
stay away from loving &
stay away from me

[dump]
light up a smoke
in
the soft amber glow of the
city,
street-lights.
a wash in a warm glow
spreading
thru
my veins.
the city lays silent
tonight.
eerie,
in fact.
i can almost hear the ocean
growling.
like an amputee with a
phantom itch.
1000 year itch
like how i keep scratching
my
heart.

[dichotomy]
i loved you both
im sorry
i just couldnt help myself
me & my ego
me & my big
heart
me and this disease,
love
me
me
me
i
i
i
myself
& this
poem
alone.

the cats shit all over
mothers enraged at the ruined duvee
as i fly up, up
& away.

[final word]
casually spinning the truth
such a horrible, dishonest
prevalent thing to be doing
to twist the world
to YOUR
reality,
thats just fine and dandy.
but dont you preach to me about
'growing up';
not you.
like i'll understand and be
understood
if only i could wear
your googles.
so absent minded & self-obsessively
possesively
spinning in circles that you
forgot to add a little
truth.

[occidental]
the mystery of june
in full bloom
goes mad-man-dancing
into august
& the fruits of the
queens of a wet saturday night
september dreams
& dies soul-ly
in the black mud of creation.

adam wants his damned rib back
eve will have another heart-attack
now she knows what shes done
with the snake.

[gaud]
held in contempt for my
gaudy, god-like views
& as pretentious for all the
materials
i use.
in the fascist arena
im seen as a
un-kept mystery
with troubled, tortured
soul.
but i know
the heart of hearts of men,
in which lies all thats
defined
as devine
& the soul & the mind
collide
there.
tearing through the fabric
& veneer
of our very lives
(so dear)
look inside yourself and
find
for yourself
the heaven to match
this life of hell.

[beta betta]
whats it like being a fish,
my friend?
living a life of
just
existin'?
much sooner for you
will come
an end
but still you go on
just
existin'
oblivious
to outside demands.
just doing
what
you can.

[R.I.P.]
the paper tells me of The War
the body count; the latest
score.
as i read the names of those
who died
i cannot help myself
i cannot
cry.
those young men &
women
who give their lives
for
(so-called) 'freedom'
but who is free?
not us
not them
(they being those of a
foreign land)
only those who cease
to be
are the ones who are
truly free
resting in
peace.

[retrograde]
the mountains loom
in the fog
where does this
road
go?
what is god?
my child dies,
and i take off
...

[esoteric knowledge]
since i cannot have
the love i need
i will
kill
my need for love

[from the eyes of a pigeon]
the church bells ring
screaming
"go to church, you fiend!"
as i nest myself in my
city roof-top perch.
i will preach
The Word
to all the other birds;
aquiline absolution.
and we will have
a little
peace
& shit on all the
humans.

[tune in toledo]
another random radio relay
full of
trumped up words she felt
compelled
to say.
feigned effort to set things
straight
...its too late.

[gargling gasoline]
choc full of magic
worries
thoughts
that weigh one down
like a pair of
leaden shoes
but when spirits are
high
on mega-octane fuel
with super-conductors spinning
out-of-control
& i'm
smoking
like its going out of style
a hippie walking down the street
looks at me &
tosses me a beer
' says
i look lonely
buddy,
you have no idea...

[au sec]
i dont think it matters,
really;
what i think---which means
that
it doesnt matter
that
it doesnt matter
----right?

a simple twist of tongue
in cheek
in deep thought while
tying up the airwaves
&
the spaces
between
the I
& me

[shape shifter]
i dont care anymore
and i hope that makes you happy
i'd given into to that lovely sin
waist deep and sinking further in
remembered what i'd been before
by god! i had been happy
without the sappy, lovey-dovey-type
shit
i believed in a world that ends
(every night, when i closed my
eyes)
but now
i dont care anymore
the truth is as twisted as a
word
one vague recollection,
an unsightly excuse;
gorged on reflection until
i saw the truth!
it has nothing to do
with either me
or you
dancing and spinning
(but you never danced with me)
unabashed in good feeling
and tearing thru walls
now
atlast
i have seen the true path
and it has nothing to do with the past
its all ancient history now
to me
the futures wide open
you see???
terminal velocity out thru the door
i just dont care
anymore

[tomorrowoodland]
tomorrow never waits for
the sun-rise;
the witching hour before the
twitching light
shines brightest----
the striking bells sounding
its arrival.
a new day to do
whatever.
in the bleak night
before sunrise
when
to-morrow
becomes
to-day

[message recieved]
she sends me a message
thru the static air
across the stretch of
1000 miles
she believes the words
of
some wanna-be, would-be lover
(wont take my word over another)
making accusations about a certain
grrrl
(cant she see these billboard lies?!);
she severs all ties
with me
such hypocracy!
nevermind the very same guy
does the same as i
or
that she fills the void by
donating her time to this
(-pfff-)
'guy'
despite what i had to say
she believes she has the right to say
'its not that like that'
this time
as i said
i wont fight it
i may not want or like it
but i wont fight it
she sent a message to me
well, baby,
i guess now i can see
love wrapped up in hypocracy
she sent a message to me
...
message recieved

[rosey city miles]
moving on along this celluloid
nightmare
on up thru these un-shot scenes
still
tingling
with anticipation;
---wheels turning 'round in
shy apprehension.
weary bones could tell
9 stories;
so much broken vinyl
(but that gets boring &
i dont wanna)
like a gas-bag breaking wind
& shut-up firmly in denile---
' sure am racking in
those
rosey city miles.

[X-O]
you made me feel
(and i may never forgive you
for that)
scratch that,
you got me wanting
to feel.
y' told me this was
for real
(n' stuff);
that one true-love-type
stuff
(with kisses & flowers)
a real prospect at
a real
'forever'.
whatever.
thats what you say instead
now.
as if it was all
some
no-big-deal.
i will love you
(now &)
forever,
goddamn you;
you made me feel.

[drivin' with the devil]
baby, baby, baby no----
dont you dare now cry for me
im on my way home
in the
devils own back seat.
baby, baby, baby oh----
my love turned lovely blue
im on my way down
to hell
yeah,
im coming after you...

wouldnt it be nice to
stay together?
wouldnt it be nice to
stay in love?
oh, baby baby baby; lover
wouldnt it be great to never
have
enough?

{a shameless plug}
...check out the dirty pigeons myspace page...
new songs
good fun

-b

[ad absurdum]
the energy, raw; of what was
forged
created this mighty thunderstorm.
shadow, vague; of a mighty thing
thunder strike
music rings...

pigs fuck, in my mind, &
in kind,
i too am fucked. outta
luck
&
morbidly wasting away...

but i gotta go...

down
down
DOWN
the penetant road
expressing sorrow;
make it known.
live, learn, & grow.
move along
the penetant road.

[amazing]
watch a child play
be amazed-----
revel in not having
one damn thing to say
to anybody-----
dwell on a fading,
lingering taste;
make the effort to not
look away-----
sit with fingers interlaced
striving hard for
inner peace-----
with little effort, another day
to stand before you
& be amazed.

[IIANTA PEI]
all things flow
as everything should know
once we pass
the open door
cerebral hemmorage
evermore
koo koo like the raven
except
youre only a pigeon
doing the dance of
slight impersonation
wallowing mistfully in
un-appreciation
i am the savior
only i couldnt save
her
or myself
but what is self?
this impersonal hell?
all things flow
i think therefor i know
what has come will always
go
better off
fo' sho'


is love a sonnet to be learned
& forgotten?
the helping hand
the striking fist
an evil look
sweetness, kiss
maybe love is a luxury
reserved for certain
somebody's
love either is
or isnt
isnt it?
love is the most personal of freedoms
only its not garunteed
...set out on a voyage of
discovery
only to discover
why i left it in the first place.
im still hung up on the dream
persistant need (or the lack
there of)
casual-fling
no, no, NO
one true love
what funny things it can do.
all things must flow
only you & i can know
who i want to injure my pride
who i want to be inside
and inside of me
(lil devil of wants and needs
keeps
bothering me)
no substitutes to pleasure
see me now like all those
others
death of a perfect pair of
lost lovers

i am suffering
a crisis of the heart
& a
crisis of the mind
.
how can i keep moving on
when i've left all i want
behind?
i do things for these
other people
(& occasionally some for me)
but always (ALWAYS!) all i do is
evil
;
i never do the right thing...
but im glad you are happy
i always said you were better off without me
that someday you'd no longer
need
me.
the starlight weeps the night on down
i am suffering.

[manufacturers warning II]
left behind as we scribbled in our
ashes,
dust.
in the whole-y un-holy
-est
of names:
self-sacrifice.
hallowed be thy name.
with angel tongue
to touch the sun.
the clock is ticking (&
i am stalling----)
pretend that i am laughing
but im sobbing.
i wish i was holding you tight
i wish i could turn back time
(unfortunate Cher reference there)
i wish that i could make everything
all right.
(but im not that great
now am i?)
just one more night, just one last
dance
to feel your heat
intertwined;
holding hands.
by all these stars of wasted
beauty
you taste like love to me
i feel all parapalegically/-like
i feel good in your eyes
i truly did (& do)
i wish i had the words for you
to explain
in
plain damn english
the enormity behind
when i
say
"i love you".
thrice we spoke of just
'being friends'
but last time we both said 'yes'
still went on as if
nothing'd changed
i felt you running back to me
i am weak, i know
& you have (always) been there for me
(& i got good at thinking selfishly)
i am so grateful
thankful
full of so much...
i was so full of secrets (as ive
always been)
but you too, i guess.
i can preach about all my errors
all night
but we chose and do what we think is
right
right?
like the line: 'whats best for me'
i tried it but it felt shitty
whats best for YOU
IS
whats best for me
i love you to death
with flowers
forever!!
bright stars die when too close
together
if i could kiss you now...
would that make it all better?
live on happily in
forever
ive known you were strong
(remember?)
so,
please,
write me letters of joy, not of
longing
laugh, please, so hard that it shakes
your whole
body
----SMILE! &
mean it.
dig deep and remember me then
BE
& be happy.
wonderfully happy, a bright joyous star
(like you always are)

keep my words, my love
always close around you
its my heart inked in verbs
& nouns
my heart for you,
absolute
truth.

xo baby

[just rosey]
feel my heart pumping
& a warm glow rising there.
a simple fool is all i
aspire
to be
in the harboring shadows
of this rosey city

drink too much----
never have money;
dont drink enough----
i go out of my mind.
the dreaded (much needed)
sober time

resting on my laurels
you must know i tried
(didnt i?)
now
all i feel is deplorable
cannot hide
i am an imbecile
too much of the fool
to be cool

dont take away from the
sun-screen
day-dream
air brushed men's magazine
line 'em all up, baby
1-2-3...
' say im sorry
'cause
GOD
im sorry.

[happenin' happiness]
remember madness
but dream in hues
of
blanket happiness
(like others do).
keep
to heart
all
forgotten days (dazed);
but keep apart from
sun-shine rays
of hope.
cope with the ashes
strewn on the ground.
remember madness------
but surround yourself with
blanket happiness.

[words that do what]
an inconsistant murmour of words
is all that i am, sometimes.
sometimes im a fuckin' genius!;
the life of the party & the
man
who gets things done.
sometimes im a flake; a
foolish fool/ pathetic drunken
waste of
a life thats both
bitter
& oh so sweet...
...
distorted drama lens' barely
see;
barely cognitive
in my
revery.
an inconsistant murmour of words
sometimes
is all i really
need.

[drowning in my own vomitus]
give me something good----------
& i will fuck it up.
its a promise & a threat; &
a pre-emptive attempt
for the shit-ridden maelstrom
that will most certainly ensue.
(little more than my
standard
half-assed excuse)
build no expectations; up or
otherwise;
expose myself, too early (maybe)
to feel like ive nothing
to hide
im a sinner, a mongrel,
a bastard (whore)
im my mothers worst nightmare
(a stain on the floor)
give me something beautiful,
bright, shinny, & clean-----
i will
mangle, destroy, decimate, ruin
it (indeed)
trust in me.

[love me]
losing
another day to
madness
chock it up to
sleeping
eyes that never close...
i'm
hopelessly peculiar
not another
danger
swear upon my honor...
once i was a
teacher
with thoughts about
forever
languished in the evening
forgetful like you know
me...
taking in both handfuls
better off than most
fools
worry about the
feeling
distracting me from doing...
all these
good things
(meanings)
that which cant replace
that look
on your sweet face.
love of my life
with freckled eyes...

[stigmata]
to you...
i write this letter
in the name of all that is good & holy
(but i know we can do better)
this has nothing to do with
anything holy
im looking out for you
(my baby)
these times are mastered
by
those who might not know a
goddamn thing
(i might emit sounds to
echo
my reasons)
do nothing drastic, my love
(my darling)
dont sacrifice your place in the world
(please?)
i need to know that my thoughts wont end
with me.
this past they have told us
(in failed attempts to try &
hold us)
does little more than embold
us;
will of equals, pride of none
quite benieth us (all little ones)
nothing left of some tribal
conquest
but you & me;
you
& i
---we must heal.


waiting patiently
on drugs?---maybe
mind so diseased
the demon he knows
needs
to be pleased...
object conceived
(end with reprieve)
awash in your fleas
(awake in the sea)
the foam, make-believe
breathe, baby,
breathe

[like a teenage boy]
punishment ensues
(a lack of you in my life)
corporal punishment
all the life we loose
(i said i was sorry, & meant it too!)
unreciprocated motion unwinds
the inner-workings;
time.
feels like a bamboo cane is being
taken to my insides.
(i want to make things
right)
but who am i?
(except the one you said you
loved)
& by
what right do i speak?
too many images sometimes
(makes it harder to breathe)
so do you, or dont you?
(make love as big as an ocean)
say you do
& i will too.
i miss you.

[crying out thru a dark heart]
true stars seem less bright
in the day time
penetrating
ethereal light
no one save me
no one save me
linger on behind closed eyes
all the damn time
devastating
ethereal light
no one save me
no one save me
make believe i can be
all right
some time
always waiting
ethereal light
no one save me
no one save me

[miss le sigh]
take a deep breath...
inhale the city life.
the star lights at
midnight
---humming;
the last train running.
i close my eyes...
feel the urban plight.
the same girl always asks me
for a
buck twenty-five (every other night)
i stopped carrying extra smokes and change
---i even told her my name---
but she never seems to
recognize
my face.
this IS the human race;
as i live to learn
another day.

{...from 'DETAILS'; dated 2/05}[this means you]
do you feel it? that
uncertainty?
that vague sense of feeling
out-of-control
that you feel without
thinking about
it.
but you always know
its there.
it coincides with all the
butter-flys
tickling you in your belly.
that warm drink, like
liquor, when i
look in your eyes.
the buckling knees giving
way...
the intense feeling to hold you
& never let go.
wrap you in my arms
&
cry out into the storm
"this is
mine!
just this one little thing!
God!--dont you dare even
think
to take this from me!"
dont damn me again,
im already damned
you old fool
my good man
but seriously though,
make this the real thing
please
forever & stuff
im hooked on this feeling
that can only be
love

[for serious]
so that my name
be not
defamed
on the lips of those
who blamed
me...
for all that i may
be
(in the space-land of my
dreams)
as you once saw me

for sheez-
ee

baby

say you remember, say
you still know

please?

[blocked]
drop the point & just
stay happy
see them stars & the
spaces in-between.
proclaim my own greatness
to ethreal gods
of mars
speak some words &
leave me in the morning.
goddess lays naked (but
just for the moment)
spent.
spared from the spoils of another
tumultuous
toil
raging (right now) in my belly
foiled the plans of the
invisible man
short of breath, the
little death
i fell apart in your eyes.

[domo ari gato]
do you ever get the call
to dissappear?
do you ever feel
as i sometimes feel?
the brutal longing for the
blank abyss,
the quiet ocean of nothingness?
do you fear as i do?
insurmountable,
indescribable,
unavoidable fear.
blanket of pure cold &
so many damn questions
squashing hope in complete
oppression.
left alone to feel its weight,
wishing for an end that never fucking comes...
left alone to live
alone
another god-damned day

[bull]
milk of magnesia, smoothered in rum
for sweetness' sake; a great big
mistake
really in love with the famed
lady of the lake
too many issues; case taken in point
joint cessation
of all known sensation
too many fingers stained red by
Kool-Aid
registered trademark, pass-coded
influence
whores of lost knowledge
act out as kids
all seen thru the eyes of my
television...

-------*
why are you so vengeful?
does your anger keep you warm at night?
is that other bed not as warm?
why be so angry?
i didnt lie to you, that was left
to that lettle bitch
you call your friend.