[zilch]
passive look behind your
eyes
contemplate your
suicide
never leave or love
again
silly thing
my sin

[automaton]
vision fails to reach
into consequence
a sly look could
have a thousand meanings
but these trees wont
complain
about heartaching
pain
& the stone & timber
monuments
of men
still remember what it was
like
to be free &
then some
for
their memories run deep
like the ancient caverns
of a
Lovecraftian
wet-dream
catch a glimpse & an
entire story
unfolds
carried on legs, attatched to
feet
walk away
& scream

[balls]
i thought i could do this
but
apparently im not that cool
scratching surface deep feelings
am i just a fool?
a tool?
to be used by you
at your
leisure?
insatiable teaser.
but my heart is still fragile
(im still just a whore)
ive
sobered my ways these days
no more
running out the back door
no more
running away

[who]
the whole day deflated
like
an old balloon;
weary & tired &
dying too
soon.
you watched as the
feelings
played out
'cross my face;
despite all best intentions
it always ends
the same
gotta play the game
but them rules still apply
"someone must feel pain"
& so
it seems
that someone
is
I

[damned again]
as it seems
so shall it be
the naked
truth
devouring me
i'd love to run
but there is
no time
do my
thing
close my
eyes

[hostile]
the needles kiss & i
bite
my lip.
strangers dance & its
romantic
flower pedals
that bloomed
in june
& wilt away until
next may
when promises made
shall
hold some
truth

[sterile clean]
antiseptic delirium
with a
face
that masquerades
as a
stale smile.
cause and effect and im
calling in
all bets;
hedging in
hedgemony
while
laughing
(declared insane)
(& funny)
over this;
quite
over done.
kiss, kiss
baby
see you on the
run
(we both have our fun)

[still]
im still here---
sitting
& waiting.
waiting for the opportunity
sitting on my dairie-aire;
still
im here.
& i'll
still
be here
when the cows come
home;
when it all becomes
clear.
i'll be
here.
i can
sit
&
i can
wait.
that, sometimes,
is
all it
takes

[haiku II]

buddah sits
in summers gold
& spits into the
soil

(ok, not 'haiku' technically; but shut up)

weep not, angels; no----
the point where two lines cross is
the story untold

the story reads death
too many kids dying for not
---all we need is love

so

buddah rests in all
loving angels never know
-GOD- resides in eyes

[haiku]
live, baby; be free
stay away from loving &
stay away from me

[dump]
light up a smoke
in
the soft amber glow of the
city,
street-lights.
a wash in a warm glow
spreading
thru
my veins.
the city lays silent
tonight.
eerie,
in fact.
i can almost hear the ocean
growling.
like an amputee with a
phantom itch.
1000 year itch
like how i keep scratching
my
heart.

[dichotomy]
i loved you both
im sorry
i just couldnt help myself
me & my ego
me & my big
heart
me and this disease,
love
me
me
me
i
i
i
myself
& this
poem
alone.

the cats shit all over
mothers enraged at the ruined duvee
as i fly up, up
& away.

[final word]
casually spinning the truth
such a horrible, dishonest
prevalent thing to be doing
to twist the world
to YOUR
reality,
thats just fine and dandy.
but dont you preach to me about
'growing up';
not you.
like i'll understand and be
understood
if only i could wear
your googles.
so absent minded & self-obsessively
possesively
spinning in circles that you
forgot to add a little
truth.

[occidental]
the mystery of june
in full bloom
goes mad-man-dancing
into august
& the fruits of the
queens of a wet saturday night
september dreams
& dies soul-ly
in the black mud of creation.

adam wants his damned rib back
eve will have another heart-attack
now she knows what shes done
with the snake.

[gaud]
held in contempt for my
gaudy, god-like views
& as pretentious for all the
materials
i use.
in the fascist arena
im seen as a
un-kept mystery
with troubled, tortured
soul.
but i know
the heart of hearts of men,
in which lies all thats
defined
as devine
& the soul & the mind
collide
there.
tearing through the fabric
& veneer
of our very lives
(so dear)
look inside yourself and
find
for yourself
the heaven to match
this life of hell.

[beta betta]
whats it like being a fish,
my friend?
living a life of
just
existin'?
much sooner for you
will come
an end
but still you go on
just
existin'
oblivious
to outside demands.
just doing
what
you can.

[R.I.P.]
the paper tells me of The War
the body count; the latest
score.
as i read the names of those
who died
i cannot help myself
i cannot
cry.
those young men &
women
who give their lives
for
(so-called) 'freedom'
but who is free?
not us
not them
(they being those of a
foreign land)
only those who cease
to be
are the ones who are
truly free
resting in
peace.

[retrograde]
the mountains loom
in the fog
where does this
road
go?
what is god?
my child dies,
and i take off
...

[esoteric knowledge]
since i cannot have
the love i need
i will
kill
my need for love

[from the eyes of a pigeon]
the church bells ring
screaming
"go to church, you fiend!"
as i nest myself in my
city roof-top perch.
i will preach
The Word
to all the other birds;
aquiline absolution.
and we will have
a little
peace
& shit on all the
humans.

[tune in toledo]
another random radio relay
full of
trumped up words she felt
compelled
to say.
feigned effort to set things
straight
...its too late.

[gargling gasoline]
choc full of magic
worries
thoughts
that weigh one down
like a pair of
leaden shoes
but when spirits are
high
on mega-octane fuel
with super-conductors spinning
out-of-control
& i'm
smoking
like its going out of style
a hippie walking down the street
looks at me &
tosses me a beer
' says
i look lonely
buddy,
you have no idea...

[au sec]
i dont think it matters,
really;
what i think---which means
that
it doesnt matter
that
it doesnt matter
----right?

a simple twist of tongue
in cheek
in deep thought while
tying up the airwaves
&
the spaces
between
the I
& me

[shape shifter]
i dont care anymore
and i hope that makes you happy
i'd given into to that lovely sin
waist deep and sinking further in
remembered what i'd been before
by god! i had been happy
without the sappy, lovey-dovey-type
shit
i believed in a world that ends
(every night, when i closed my
eyes)
but now
i dont care anymore
the truth is as twisted as a
word
one vague recollection,
an unsightly excuse;
gorged on reflection until
i saw the truth!
it has nothing to do
with either me
or you
dancing and spinning
(but you never danced with me)
unabashed in good feeling
and tearing thru walls
now
atlast
i have seen the true path
and it has nothing to do with the past
its all ancient history now
to me
the futures wide open
you see???
terminal velocity out thru the door
i just dont care
anymore

[tomorrowoodland]
tomorrow never waits for
the sun-rise;
the witching hour before the
twitching light
shines brightest----
the striking bells sounding
its arrival.
a new day to do
whatever.
in the bleak night
before sunrise
when
to-morrow
becomes
to-day

[message recieved]
she sends me a message
thru the static air
across the stretch of
1000 miles
she believes the words
of
some wanna-be, would-be lover
(wont take my word over another)
making accusations about a certain
grrrl
(cant she see these billboard lies?!);
she severs all ties
with me
such hypocracy!
nevermind the very same guy
does the same as i
or
that she fills the void by
donating her time to this
(-pfff-)
'guy'
despite what i had to say
she believes she has the right to say
'its not that like that'
this time
as i said
i wont fight it
i may not want or like it
but i wont fight it
she sent a message to me
well, baby,
i guess now i can see
love wrapped up in hypocracy
she sent a message to me
...
message recieved

[rosey city miles]
moving on along this celluloid
nightmare
on up thru these un-shot scenes
still
tingling
with anticipation;
---wheels turning 'round in
shy apprehension.
weary bones could tell
9 stories;
so much broken vinyl
(but that gets boring &
i dont wanna)
like a gas-bag breaking wind
& shut-up firmly in denile---
' sure am racking in
those
rosey city miles.

[X-O]
you made me feel
(and i may never forgive you
for that)
scratch that,
you got me wanting
to feel.
y' told me this was
for real
(n' stuff);
that one true-love-type
stuff
(with kisses & flowers)
a real prospect at
a real
'forever'.
whatever.
thats what you say instead
now.
as if it was all
some
no-big-deal.
i will love you
(now &)
forever,
goddamn you;
you made me feel.

[drivin' with the devil]
baby, baby, baby no----
dont you dare now cry for me
im on my way home
in the
devils own back seat.
baby, baby, baby oh----
my love turned lovely blue
im on my way down
to hell
yeah,
im coming after you...

wouldnt it be nice to
stay together?
wouldnt it be nice to
stay in love?
oh, baby baby baby; lover
wouldnt it be great to never
have
enough?

{a shameless plug}
...check out the dirty pigeons myspace page...
new songs
good fun

-b

[ad absurdum]
the energy, raw; of what was
forged
created this mighty thunderstorm.
shadow, vague; of a mighty thing
thunder strike
music rings...

pigs fuck, in my mind, &
in kind,
i too am fucked. outta
luck
&
morbidly wasting away...

but i gotta go...

down
down
DOWN
the penetant road
expressing sorrow;
make it known.
live, learn, & grow.
move along
the penetant road.

[amazing]
watch a child play
be amazed-----
revel in not having
one damn thing to say
to anybody-----
dwell on a fading,
lingering taste;
make the effort to not
look away-----
sit with fingers interlaced
striving hard for
inner peace-----
with little effort, another day
to stand before you
& be amazed.

[IIANTA PEI]
all things flow
as everything should know
once we pass
the open door
cerebral hemmorage
evermore
koo koo like the raven
except
youre only a pigeon
doing the dance of
slight impersonation
wallowing mistfully in
un-appreciation
i am the savior
only i couldnt save
her
or myself
but what is self?
this impersonal hell?
all things flow
i think therefor i know
what has come will always
go
better off
fo' sho'


is love a sonnet to be learned
& forgotten?
the helping hand
the striking fist
an evil look
sweetness, kiss
maybe love is a luxury
reserved for certain
somebody's
love either is
or isnt
isnt it?
love is the most personal of freedoms
only its not garunteed
...set out on a voyage of
discovery
only to discover
why i left it in the first place.
im still hung up on the dream
persistant need (or the lack
there of)
casual-fling
no, no, NO
one true love
what funny things it can do.
all things must flow
only you & i can know
who i want to injure my pride
who i want to be inside
and inside of me
(lil devil of wants and needs
keeps
bothering me)
no substitutes to pleasure
see me now like all those
others
death of a perfect pair of
lost lovers

i am suffering
a crisis of the heart
& a
crisis of the mind
.
how can i keep moving on
when i've left all i want
behind?
i do things for these
other people
(& occasionally some for me)
but always (ALWAYS!) all i do is
evil
;
i never do the right thing...
but im glad you are happy
i always said you were better off without me
that someday you'd no longer
need
me.
the starlight weeps the night on down
i am suffering.

[manufacturers warning II]
left behind as we scribbled in our
ashes,
dust.
in the whole-y un-holy
-est
of names:
self-sacrifice.
hallowed be thy name.
with angel tongue
to touch the sun.
the clock is ticking (&
i am stalling----)
pretend that i am laughing
but im sobbing.
i wish i was holding you tight
i wish i could turn back time
(unfortunate Cher reference there)
i wish that i could make everything
all right.
(but im not that great
now am i?)
just one more night, just one last
dance
to feel your heat
intertwined;
holding hands.
by all these stars of wasted
beauty
you taste like love to me
i feel all parapalegically/-like
i feel good in your eyes
i truly did (& do)
i wish i had the words for you
to explain
in
plain damn english
the enormity behind
when i
say
"i love you".
thrice we spoke of just
'being friends'
but last time we both said 'yes'
still went on as if
nothing'd changed
i felt you running back to me
i am weak, i know
& you have (always) been there for me
(& i got good at thinking selfishly)
i am so grateful
thankful
full of so much...
i was so full of secrets (as ive
always been)
but you too, i guess.
i can preach about all my errors
all night
but we chose and do what we think is
right
right?
like the line: 'whats best for me'
i tried it but it felt shitty
whats best for YOU
IS
whats best for me
i love you to death
with flowers
forever!!
bright stars die when too close
together
if i could kiss you now...
would that make it all better?
live on happily in
forever
ive known you were strong
(remember?)
so,
please,
write me letters of joy, not of
longing
laugh, please, so hard that it shakes
your whole
body
----SMILE! &
mean it.
dig deep and remember me then
BE
& be happy.
wonderfully happy, a bright joyous star
(like you always are)

keep my words, my love
always close around you
its my heart inked in verbs
& nouns
my heart for you,
absolute
truth.

xo baby

[just rosey]
feel my heart pumping
& a warm glow rising there.
a simple fool is all i
aspire
to be
in the harboring shadows
of this rosey city

drink too much----
never have money;
dont drink enough----
i go out of my mind.
the dreaded (much needed)
sober time

resting on my laurels
you must know i tried
(didnt i?)
now
all i feel is deplorable
cannot hide
i am an imbecile
too much of the fool
to be cool

dont take away from the
sun-screen
day-dream
air brushed men's magazine
line 'em all up, baby
1-2-3...
' say im sorry
'cause
GOD
im sorry.

[happenin' happiness]
remember madness
but dream in hues
of
blanket happiness
(like others do).
keep
to heart
all
forgotten days (dazed);
but keep apart from
sun-shine rays
of hope.
cope with the ashes
strewn on the ground.
remember madness------
but surround yourself with
blanket happiness.

[words that do what]
an inconsistant murmour of words
is all that i am, sometimes.
sometimes im a fuckin' genius!;
the life of the party & the
man
who gets things done.
sometimes im a flake; a
foolish fool/ pathetic drunken
waste of
a life thats both
bitter
& oh so sweet...
...
distorted drama lens' barely
see;
barely cognitive
in my
revery.
an inconsistant murmour of words
sometimes
is all i really
need.

[drowning in my own vomitus]
give me something good----------
& i will fuck it up.
its a promise & a threat; &
a pre-emptive attempt
for the shit-ridden maelstrom
that will most certainly ensue.
(little more than my
standard
half-assed excuse)
build no expectations; up or
otherwise;
expose myself, too early (maybe)
to feel like ive nothing
to hide
im a sinner, a mongrel,
a bastard (whore)
im my mothers worst nightmare
(a stain on the floor)
give me something beautiful,
bright, shinny, & clean-----
i will
mangle, destroy, decimate, ruin
it (indeed)
trust in me.

[love me]
losing
another day to
madness
chock it up to
sleeping
eyes that never close...
i'm
hopelessly peculiar
not another
danger
swear upon my honor...
once i was a
teacher
with thoughts about
forever
languished in the evening
forgetful like you know
me...
taking in both handfuls
better off than most
fools
worry about the
feeling
distracting me from doing...
all these
good things
(meanings)
that which cant replace
that look
on your sweet face.
love of my life
with freckled eyes...

[stigmata]
to you...
i write this letter
in the name of all that is good & holy
(but i know we can do better)
this has nothing to do with
anything holy
im looking out for you
(my baby)
these times are mastered
by
those who might not know a
goddamn thing
(i might emit sounds to
echo
my reasons)
do nothing drastic, my love
(my darling)
dont sacrifice your place in the world
(please?)
i need to know that my thoughts wont end
with me.
this past they have told us
(in failed attempts to try &
hold us)
does little more than embold
us;
will of equals, pride of none
quite benieth us (all little ones)
nothing left of some tribal
conquest
but you & me;
you
& i
---we must heal.


waiting patiently
on drugs?---maybe
mind so diseased
the demon he knows
needs
to be pleased...
object conceived
(end with reprieve)
awash in your fleas
(awake in the sea)
the foam, make-believe
breathe, baby,
breathe

[like a teenage boy]
punishment ensues
(a lack of you in my life)
corporal punishment
all the life we loose
(i said i was sorry, & meant it too!)
unreciprocated motion unwinds
the inner-workings;
time.
feels like a bamboo cane is being
taken to my insides.
(i want to make things
right)
but who am i?
(except the one you said you
loved)
& by
what right do i speak?
too many images sometimes
(makes it harder to breathe)
so do you, or dont you?
(make love as big as an ocean)
say you do
& i will too.
i miss you.

[crying out thru a dark heart]
true stars seem less bright
in the day time
penetrating
ethereal light
no one save me
no one save me
linger on behind closed eyes
all the damn time
devastating
ethereal light
no one save me
no one save me
make believe i can be
all right
some time
always waiting
ethereal light
no one save me
no one save me

[miss le sigh]
take a deep breath...
inhale the city life.
the star lights at
midnight
---humming;
the last train running.
i close my eyes...
feel the urban plight.
the same girl always asks me
for a
buck twenty-five (every other night)
i stopped carrying extra smokes and change
---i even told her my name---
but she never seems to
recognize
my face.
this IS the human race;
as i live to learn
another day.

{...from 'DETAILS'; dated 2/05}[this means you]
do you feel it? that
uncertainty?
that vague sense of feeling
out-of-control
that you feel without
thinking about
it.
but you always know
its there.
it coincides with all the
butter-flys
tickling you in your belly.
that warm drink, like
liquor, when i
look in your eyes.
the buckling knees giving
way...
the intense feeling to hold you
& never let go.
wrap you in my arms
&
cry out into the storm
"this is
mine!
just this one little thing!
God!--dont you dare even
think
to take this from me!"
dont damn me again,
im already damned
you old fool
my good man
but seriously though,
make this the real thing
please
forever & stuff
im hooked on this feeling
that can only be
love

[for serious]
so that my name
be not
defamed
on the lips of those
who blamed
me...
for all that i may
be
(in the space-land of my
dreams)
as you once saw me

for sheez-
ee

baby

say you remember, say
you still know

please?

[blocked]
drop the point & just
stay happy
see them stars & the
spaces in-between.
proclaim my own greatness
to ethreal gods
of mars
speak some words &
leave me in the morning.
goddess lays naked (but
just for the moment)
spent.
spared from the spoils of another
tumultuous
toil
raging (right now) in my belly
foiled the plans of the
invisible man
short of breath, the
little death
i fell apart in your eyes.

[domo ari gato]
do you ever get the call
to dissappear?
do you ever feel
as i sometimes feel?
the brutal longing for the
blank abyss,
the quiet ocean of nothingness?
do you fear as i do?
insurmountable,
indescribable,
unavoidable fear.
blanket of pure cold &
so many damn questions
squashing hope in complete
oppression.
left alone to feel its weight,
wishing for an end that never fucking comes...
left alone to live
alone
another god-damned day

[bull]
milk of magnesia, smoothered in rum
for sweetness' sake; a great big
mistake
really in love with the famed
lady of the lake
too many issues; case taken in point
joint cessation
of all known sensation
too many fingers stained red by
Kool-Aid
registered trademark, pass-coded
influence
whores of lost knowledge
act out as kids
all seen thru the eyes of my
television...

-------*
why are you so vengeful?
does your anger keep you warm at night?
is that other bed not as warm?
why be so angry?
i didnt lie to you, that was left
to that lettle bitch
you call your friend.

[primitive]
in search of a destiny
i will pursue, to
the ends of the earth,
ruthlessly (if need be).
it's all about BEING
not just persons guess at
the 'best'
me.
no,
it's all about BEING
what I
want to be, y' see?!?
frankly,
it annoys the shit outta me
hearing people spew forth vomitus
incomplete sentences
about my potentiality
what do they know of my hopes
& dreams?
& other things unknown to anyone
but
me?
all they can see is what i could mean
to them.
its a fucking problem.
but their fucking problem
want a 'safe & secure' thing?
want a man with a dream?
want a boy who could be
any-thing?
love lost in the TV screen
beamed directly into the cranium
no one gives two shits
unless calculated
with what they get.
i will hold my thing...
no,------
my dream (you sicko)
that which makes me
ME
& you will all know
when finally you see
all along
i knew what i was doing.

[hear ye, hear ye!]
...apparently, last night, brian went international...
i was called 'kusotare'
...and told look it up

[blanket babies]
so callously beautiful, a love
soon clean.
so tenderly scorned; but who is it
who bleeds?
closed green peep'ers counting little
baby sheep;
hop-skip-jump; baby's gone...
where? direction wrong.
hold my hallow hollow brain
revved up in third gear
numb from the waist down &
not holding the wheel...
nothing is so real.
stand aside for vanity-vision
left to just float-float
away
nothing so sure as my
sanitary-sanity.
why live only to fight another day?
circled in by savage sychophantic slobbering
clowns
succumb to all the lies that weigh one
down
hold my place, beside The Face,
sweet sweet
elephant;
all thoughts make haste to run-run
away
while i cover-up my eyes...
on a string & just float-float
away
nothing so dasteredly disasterous
save my salvation-sanity
why try to live if
only to fight another day?

...flying high with attitude
see the road, clear now; so
where are you?

[seems i have no worth]
past live makes visions smile
once seen
but not obscene
since becoming lost like so many
little puppies
out in the cold cold all
alone
makes me glad for my family
mother, father
brothers with arms
no more fucked-up then any others
ive encountered
& boy----------!
have i seen some doosies;
now pushing up daisies
cut fresh & left to scent around
town
& to linger on & on & on...
random faint whiff of air
a not untraceable puf of hair
over where?!
say it like you care!!!
---goddamnit
& fuck this, by the very same
way
pushing through to be okay

[verbal dysentery]
...a trailing edge; the faintest whiff of smoke
like a wraith, slowly curls from her lips
ruby red and pursed; ready to be kissed atlast
one long night lingers on & on
across an aisle of pine & the spaces in-between
can i stare at you with my cinema eyes?
clearly focused on you. probbing you deeper;
like never before in your whole damn life...!
(a little exorcise might do me right)
c'mon, you sweet pretty thing; just a faint
peek-a-boo of a smile from you.
c'mon
show me your dimples
yeah, thats right...

{quote of the week}
"you work out the
physics
i'll work out the momentum;
wait.
thats kinda romantic"

///:end

the hope thought to be had
as if such a thing
could
be had.
swollen lonesome wet-dream
a bit more like it.
the bitter, scented scream---
ugh!!!!!orgasmic!
:)
wholesome in its over-tones
they higher you reach
the more you moan.
so...
say it aint so?!
forget me
...& i'll go.
but in those secret places
in the back of your
throat;
you'll know...
you'll know.

..........................XMIT//:

[bit-part]
i watched & as expected
the left-hand-side of it hit
square on
(sacred scars can do no harm)
the child flew from its
mothers womb
patience, child
too much! too soon!
everything depends on you
dislodged & dismembered by a
backward moon
forward march
april, may-----!
meet me in june

[thales cries]
in my imagination
i know this girl
dont know if she luv's me
or is just
in love with my world
she whispers to me
softly
words ive wanted to hear so badly
something quite sadistic in this
mad-mad-imagining
well, never mind
never tell
already musta figured out
that this life
IS HELL
i saw a vision once when i was
damn-near comatose
, & laughing!
haha-ha-ha-ha!
something fucking twisted in this
mad-mad-imagining.

[tell, william; tell...]
william sits and hes alone
his faced pressed to the sunlight
a child in a candy store
-ish
he is happy for this moment
in this space to call his own
all he has is fought & won for
in his wonder-years
on a battle-field
crying foreign tongue
blasted past that followed after
another god-damned American Disaster
william
sits and rolls another smoke
in the city of the rose
listen to her heave & moan
he is happy in this moment
in his happy little home
but all the grandoise fools
in-passing
they will never know.

[sub]
sent to death & by my own bare ass
(lost shock value in statement)
believe every word ever said
even felt a slight tingle of excitement
---how 'bout THAT!
deluded by default & some
faulty wiring
i suppose
(i proposed!)
just another wire hanging on
though
i dont want to change a thing
not my underwear or that burnt-out
lightbulb
(if i bring light, then am i God?)
it never ends if its no ones fault
had ME fooled, so
i guess thats a start
sheath that sword, baby
or
cut out my heart.

[super-duper]


Jovial


Stellar

[open memorandum]
ok...start!:
to whom it may concern,
the man to whom you may refer
as ---!
is disinclined to decline your request
for an offer
but
seems, rather, perturbed by
some
things heard
by those to whom it may concern
who,
in turn,
informed the man to whom you may refer
as ---!
with certain improprieties mentioned
thus
we disengage the acting trust
preferring astral wonder-lust

ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
sincerely,
yours truly.

[shy away]
do you remember the day-dream?
all that
bubble-gum & ice-cream
too?
i may have been
hallucinating,
its true...
point taken;
through the chest (someone
said it'd be best)
if i forsake & forgo
all these
obscenely fat sentences, then
(baby, please)
know what lives inside of me.

==

a picture-portrait of all the
little things
some obscure
all quite damaging
to me
to you
and...
YES---!
i am that fool
the asshole ive always claimed to
be
(nothing more would just be
lame)
nothing less
certainly
am i, now, to pay
all them by-gone sins of
yesterday
coughed up in foriegn currency
& i would most gladly
but
atleast
there may be nothing that
i need
not like this
not like that
too little too late
i make my great escape

[from Addict]
...the point was taken. a slight jab to the arm. looked away, over-shot. had to go in again.
some say that it was inevitable, THIS was inevitable. fall back in cinema style. curl the taste from the back of the mouth, bring it forward to the sweet spots on the tongue.
hogwash!
i say it now as ive said it then, everything; EVERYTHING!!! i chose to do. i wanted to. i made whatever excuse i could use, and it felt good. but i knew the demon well-enough by the time i sat there, dilated and smiling. sam came out of the back room having gone off to shoot into his ass-fat. the shuffle of his walk and the smile on his face said he too was in a happy place.
we talked. we smoked. and he was right, that vomiting that happens when you first start going...it was quik and easy. just like when being drunk and thankful to be emptying your guts of rot-gut wine. out went my mcdonalds cheeseburgers, fries, and coke.
sam just kept on talking.
then he nodded off. i looked up and saw the sky. tainted orange from street-lights. i couldnt see orion.
the next shot a few hours later did better. doubled the dose.
i saw stars.
friggin stars, man.
it was beautiful.
...sam showed me how to clean and care for my rig before i left. keep the cottons, for a later date. gave me my cut of what we had purchased, sent me on my way. we both knew i'd be back...

[home, not home]
city cold
come warm dead bones
as the flesh succombs to all these years
melt away
deteriorate
everything
now i lost the thing i had
to stay

[manufacturers warning]
what is that frantic ranting of
emergency---
urgency.
dialed to a tone.
it makes me make
faces
and a thought like outer---
spaces
on the checkered-bored-game
that IS
this would-be life of
obessive strife.
of mine, atleast. it seems
that
anyway, or
every which---bewitching! way
i supposed...
no matter WHICH goddamned road.
i choose---i chose
it never is the right way
always turning left
all the way to way, way down
one cant make a fool
of a
self-proclaimed clown
with crowns and thorns and
implied best thoughts
(we must not be swayed by
little things)
this can be done properly
guiding light of guidelines of property
ancient earths hold ancient truths
& so so do you
but i do too
by straight-up numbers----
are ye numb yet?!
the conclusion follows the bleeding
point
self-confessed, professed, and
left for dead.
didnt want to hear what i couldve said.
ashes, dust, mold, & rust
the whole-ly un-holy
by no other name still lies...
say its self-sacrifice

[real]
was it all just a dream?
these years line up seem
so
menacing.
life is work and not just
play-things
if i offered up silence would you
still dare to think?
presumption is the mother of all
fuck-ups
all this and more
i know
i know enough to know
i know nothing at all

[hilarious]
DHMO
join the cause...
today!

[tout le monde]
the sky is falling!
the sky is falling!
but i am not afraid,
my darling.
wash my hands in
blood-red sky; the
saintly sky---
birthplace of all thats defined
divine.
inspiration, bullet-proof temptation
captivate the popular population
& then----!
enslave them!
mutiny of masters lost on the
crapper.
spectacular disaster
-prone to fits of weakness after.
cast adrift in this
woeful sea of drunken sodomized
hypocrites.
rudderless.
-& quite a mess & missing.
all in grim analogy.

[shoot me? shoot you!]
time gears crunch & grind; the Man always
comes
but in his own good time.
---3 more exits left to exsist.
knowing his effect, he
blantantly disrespects the Machinery;
the moving parts of the living thing.
tic-toc; grumble-growl
that great big cock loose
and prowlin' 'round.
burned the best things i ever had
burning eyes; son of my dad.
he with a clean nose
dont know
that book is done, but why
wont these pages close?

[ammendum]
when you run for so long
crying out in the dark
everyday
ends the same way;
dying of a broken heart...

bound together by un-want of feeling
still a million miles apart
she changed that day
i heard her say
she was
dying of a broken heart...

revel in the shadows
guided by the start
pushed away
but its
a-okay
you can go on
dying of a broken heart...

[clock]
soiled leaves on the dirty
dirty ground
look hard for the lost & found
a house of painted pictures
---clowns!
that scream the hated verbs
& nouns.
but words can save &
words
can drown
picture-perfect all around
nothing gained by thorny
crowns
'cept horny thieves who think
aloud
but no more me.
such lovely love-sick crowds
abound
with every tic-tic-toc'ing
sound
i lay myself on the dirty
dirty ground

[lewis, mistreated]
let the child never wake
to inherit this world of a mess
we've made
spare'em such horrors as pain
and death
instead
just skip on ahead to
eternal rest
yes,
i think thats best
yes,
there are some sacrifices
first kisses
good friendships
a loving hand to hold
the spark of life in the cold
these are all fine and dandy things
but come too few and
far between
let my child just stay asleep
please
for him
for me
rest eternal
peace

[aimer, travaillir, et souffrir]
polka-dotted spotted fairy-tales
&
childhood fantasy.
dead-like druck, chicken luv
red-rimmed eyes never see.
suicide bastard from a
teenaged disaster
magnified
ten thousand times
iron lung disease
addiction lines cut thru permission
throw salt in wounds to heal the vision
heal me!
lovers wasted all their
true confessions
on
childhood fantasy.

[ode de BUK]
never fooled yourself 'to thinking,
did you?;
that
some how
some where
that there might be something
better.
ol' jack had the stars in his eyes
and that old french-man's heart
could sing.
but thats not you
and thats not me
what would you think if you'd ever
laid eyes
on me?
--"fucking pussy."
probably.

[pulminary chi]
thought with a smile
a twist of the face
all of it, then, seemed
worthwhile
so turn another page
so many calenders...
i sat & waited for
hours & hours.
i dont know what i thought
or that i ever did
but, oh----my god!
it was worth it
sunset in the plaza
pigeons flee
oh how i loved
every lil minute of it
when i finally left her
standing
at the station. i lost something
---sensation!
rarely have i felt much since
that is what she did...
her gift
& damnation
my souls salvation
& worth every penny of it.

[ode to saying "FUCK YOUR 2-PARTY SYSTEM!" :)]
what do you do when both sides are wrong?
& a third-party vote is just a third-wheel;
like that date-less guy in the car
on the way to prom...
' told that if you dont choose
one of the two that are
wrong,
you've wasted your voice;
& by your all-loving mom.
so what do you do?
no matter what, you lose.
so what
, just give up?; not even get in
the fight?
avoid confrontation thru long-worded explanation;
consciencious objector.
coward,
right?
what do you do? WHAT?! do you do?!?
no matter what,
your screwed.
are you gonna take it up the butt?
or
are they gonna have to
take you
down?

|quote of the day|
Buddah-Jack says:
"We all wait for the next thing to happen. It's happening all over the world only some places they supply prophylactics, and some places they talk business.
We haven't got a leg to stand on."

[sine qua non]
going back now to a
brand-new
destination
let go the clock
&
all my
long-held
aspirations
if i think too much
if it gets too real
toil endlessly to make
it
not a really big-deal
so much to laugh at
but
no time for love,
dr. jones
with a smile on my face
i am jones'ing for a
real deal

[1/2-filled pages]
my zen-like mind & lover
have a past &
presently
have escaped this place
just to see
if
all the noises that seem to
really do
last for ages
as seen behind these
1/2-filled pages
zen-mind of mine &
lover, disinclined
she who is also
totally mine
but just wont believe it
they have set the stage
now
show me, dont laugh too loud
its not just me, but
i was made to see
like all the boys that
girls dont wanna make with
filling up
these
1/2-filled pages

[yeah...]
vapour kisses; chemical's there
suddenly vacant and feeling impaired
its long after midnight and
well past one's bed-time
bathing in light.
the brain fails to find
the right thing to say
ends the same everytime
everytime the same way
left to think
and to drink
drink it all away

[converting to alpha]
trained with the bi-optical off-
point-of-view;
as seen from the advanced state
of
mental decay.
install some ultra-sonic, anti-
sludge-proof
control-type devices;
proto-nuclear-powered
on my own radio wave.

//

i need to do this thing.
i gotta get up
& go;
leave with the tide.
when i was alive
last time
every step of mine had a spring;
every movement to a beat.
now i only have dead eyes.

the molecules surrender to
the force of all that
ever was,
ever
will be;
all i am, just because.
and if i leave before you,
remember please;
i was all that
ever was.

[nano-technology]
i have sailed the streets of long beach
as vacant as a shadow
i was the epitomy of---
madness! empty & hollow
seperate from the straight world
The Show
my boilers fueled by amphetimines
providing me with the all too neccessary
steam-clean feeling
& some much needed relief
from myself
succled in the street-light glow
took a back seat to a car
in tow
keeping my eyes on the road
a bottle of moonshine, a horseshoe,
and 1/2 a kilo of blow
flashing lights and big fucking guns
yer fucked!
stab with nails
decaying with rust
ashes to ashes, dust to dust

[polybicarbonate]
beg to believe in
'bout anything
really
anything real
atleast
that you might of
spilled
to me
big sack of sacrifices
sounds stupid
really
any word feels
atleast
like a weapon &
a shield; equally
anything can kill
i think
eventually

[i laugh at your big red x]
hey you
yer lame
and thats all the thought
you take

[totally]
hollow looks hurt most
from her
& too much can mean
too many things
forever too
dreams fade faster when held
too tight
just let go
now, go
battle scars from loving
gifts
tuesday never gave
two shits
lost alot when i
lost her
& too much can mean
too many things
tried too hard to
let her know
must let go
must let go
fading back to be
unknown
now go

[lust]
there is dawn out there
somewhere
speeding just beyond the horizon
it waits for the bare flesh
with harsh
magnifying lenses.
mistress of the-end-of-the-night
who comes but once
& then takes flight
do what you do
and when you do
you move.
me----?
sirred autistic artistic juices
concentrated
but 110% pure
CREATE!
music, poetry,
pictures with out paint!
its a wonderful, brand new day
come on lets sin,
says the saint.

[force of will]
what do you see when you look out on
the world
from the safety of that bubble
of your mind?
scent of fear for what is not known
& for what IS
known.
does MIGHT make RIGHT?
...as lincoln is credited
saying...
does the strong angry-man,
a mighty man with out an equal
in strength,
who over powers a girl
(weak & scared; young & naive)
a little girl on whom he
forces his will.
having his way with her
like a toy;
is this man a righteous man?
does his strength void the inherent
evil
of what he does?
no.
what of the government
who uses its armed forces
against its own people;
to mortally mark a gathering
of the people
by the people
& for the people;
stain the ground with the blood
of children
who dont understand.
all because they disagree
with the state of the nation,
supposed to be free.
where is the right
so honourably decreed as
the way?
is freedom not written as
all men being created equal;
with certain, unalienable rights:
life,
liberty,
& the pursuit of happiness.
living free & happy;
every body.
no imposition of
ideas or beliefs on you or others, by you;
welcoming opposition,
not silencing dissention
by force.
what is wrong if
this is right?
if might makes right,
i wanna be left.
look around
everybody
anytime;
hypocracy stares at you from
every where.

[get inside]
my body's not a temple
anymore
my mind is not as clear as it
use to be---.
and i passed out
at
your front door;
but im
two doors down,
-actually.

still,
youre not impressed that much by me {rpt.}

the morning, burning glory; burns
eyeballs set in stone.
pierce my eyes as i
let out a piercing scream---.
im trying, hard, not too think
& be
clever still.
consuming all this lovely
alcohol.

and your still
not all that impressed by me. {rpt.}

what does it all mean, pretty lady
tell me what really does it for you?
please, please, please tell me,
pretty lady...
i wanna get inside of you.

my heart, hear it beating? like a whore?
this is that
fine-line-re-al-(i)t-y---.
pluck & steal flowers for your car
from that neighbor that pisses
you
off.

caught
out on the lawn
spot-lights, & alarms
all coming on.
caught me
pee ing on the front
lawn.
my fly,
undone;
as bright as the sun.
tell your mother, your
father
just what i did.
butcher of flowers,
the boy who just
had-to-piss...
and just couldnt
hold it.

but youre still not all that impressed by me {rpt.}

[so]
you're oh so big
now
your mother must be so
proud
so in control
so mighty
so...!
...you know?
it must be so nice
to
exorcise
so much influence
so often
so that
those once deemed friends
say
'so long'
so often
so now this is the end
so what?

[high for the low-ball]
the tragic mind that wanders
round & 'round to the dark places
...while pondering empty spaces;
with a half-filled grin
eyes bright with the sin
of the moment; that never lasts forever.
for every chance taken
2 dozen, atleast, get left by the road
the waste that litters
a-n-y-b-o-d-y-'s
past
changing the future
whats forsaken
---become living proof to her!
make haste for the last thought
live & die
like a man.

[mulatto]
no ones answering &
the voices fill up my head
stomache turns & gargles
i pour another whiskey down
the old girl doesnt get
it
the new girl doesnt get
it
im the only one who gets
it.
black emptiness enfolds us
the stranger dies in your arms
another victim of a hard-knock-
life
and i
pour another whiskey down

[et tu]
birds in flight &
i'm
really flowing now.
ive gotthe 2nd sight;
ive got the mad
look.
screw in the corkscrew
as if to say:
"screw YOU, world"
when nobody wants or
needs you
its easy to disappear

[the unfinished garden]
run with the fury
run with the hunted
run your cold, dead fingers
thru my hair
goodbye, baby
i love you
always
still
night, calm; cold darkness
---open your eyes!
i made a deal with the devil
but
the devil, he lied
so i
run into the madness
run full speed into the night
run down days like
so many lines
i miss you, baby
always
still

saying goodbye
again
my
love

[mandala]
the star-body heat-lamp high over head
another fat, black fly feels oncoming death
old men pushing archiac machines down cratered streets
noise echos but is held by gravity
children in new clothes & wrapped safely in plastic
souls being fed like pollution & old habits
breathe in the air
of the last hundred years
liquid smoke leaves me blue, it shares my hue;
leaves my lungs and dissappears
the fat, black fly has found some back-up
a partner-in-crime; or maybe true love?
while the nuclear inferno rages on high above

[hindsight]
drunk on a rose
with its pedals &
leaves
still wet.
high as a kite
waking up
in your
lovers bed.
getting strung out on
the constant
embellishment ---
love, so surreal
&
true, fucking
happiness.
bound by the rules
& the laws known as
circumstance.
enjoy all you can
while you can, my friend
it doesnt last;
no one ever wins.

[bullet holes]
offer me a choice & i'll
certainly
pick to lose. anyway,
its like some dead man always said
'the monkey's only bothersome
until
he gets fed'
never quite knew what he meant
but i can guess
now.
a simple matter
now.
the picture lies in
tatters
strewn across the ground
the landfill
because i know you didnt recycle it...

SHIT!

!!!

threw out that heart,
true?
after it was painstakenly reassembled
in accordance to all the rules;
with old paint and glue.
just tossed it away despite
claims, nay
vows;
it'd be saved.
what does that say?
we are all sinners
nothing is saved.

[Buddah-mind]
om.
i wait
practicing
my patience.
let fate
decide
where it shall take me.
i meditate,
clear my mind of these
old things;
& feel bliss.
i wait
& exercise
my patience.
om.
om.
om...

[visions of boston]
a white pedal falls
down in a spiralling pattern
into the street in a path of pure beauty
amazing!
& then it gets pulverized
ground into the ground,
molecules merging with the asphalt
& concrete;
mashed like potatoes by the tires
of a young woman behind the wheel
in a very large automobile.
she is talking away on her phone
she dont pay for
like her car
or tuition
or anything really.
scored with the tread-marks of this
one-hit wonder-bra touting
female of anxiety
its pure, white glory
destroyed.
left to decompose, slowly
in a gutter.
so i sit in absolute silence
reliving & praising that fall
before it met
inevitability

i know how you feel...

[make]
wheels turning 'round as they
chew up the way down.
out along the coast in my
chariot that smokes gasoline
my mind
full of headache & im willing to pay
heart of mine
still slowly bleeding & yes,
it is bothering me.
im gonna go down to that
dirty border town &
boy, im gonna drink
im gonna drink, drink, drink
until i cant feel a thing;
im gonna drink, drink, drink
until it erases me.

[word]
remember The Word
& the dream that was shared.
binding in passion
&
relief that we weren't alone;
somebody cared.
how many times did we just
talk
away crazyness?
inviting the calm that
comes; it exists!
knowing that somebody else
gets
all of this.
so nice to feel, solidarity.
mutually assured.
that wonderful, wonderful
happiness
that comes from knowing
The Word

[unadulterated]
as we all sit and squabble over petty things:

yesterday
people died.
they died from bombs falling
out of they sky;
they died
from bullets aimed between
the eyes...
floods and famine are just
not enough?
i guess.
brother killing brother is
what we do best.
i have never killed another
man.
i am we the walrus sings
i am still human.
wars rage on
mothers will cry
& today
people will die.

[paraphrase of the century]
last night
i had a dream about this girl i know
& she loved me
& it was good
i woke up
with a sudden urge to kill myself
& it struck me
& i fell down
it was no longer a question of
'if'
but 'how'