[dance]
so you wanna dance with the devil?
but
the devil dont dance
so you
kick off yer shoes and you
pull off yer pants
but the devils in a mood
which sometimes happens
when yer damned

so you call on the devil
but you
get His machine
it says
"leave a message"
but what kinda message do you leave?!?
so you try again later
and pray that He's home
but
who do you pray to,
&
where
does it
go?

--start--
just as long as i have this---
-a beer in the fridge
-a warm loving kiss
just as long as i have this---

[contemplate]
here & now
she cries out
in a dream
sends me off
thinking
oh---
the possibilities
watch your mouth
in the
here & now
dont let those
bed-bugs
dream
oh---
what shes done
to me
sends me off
screaming
now & then
i feel
somethings
but
here & now
i'd rather
dream

{Quote of the Week}
“ The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are made to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” ~Jack Kerouac

[tempt]
tempt me not, you adulturous waif
send me not your bad vibe mojo
tell me all your secrets and fears
believe in me
and i will leave you in tears

[le sigh]
hollywood
i miss you
the petty vibes of the hipster scene
the street corner man who offers everything
your transvestite mexican streetwalkers
your coke-binging actors
the general smell of piss and sterno
and the late night walks where
i saw it all

{Quote of the week}
" In less than a year the Bush administration will strut
out of office leaving the country in roughly
the same condition
a toddler leaves a diaper"

from my mom

[depraved new world]
possibilities arise at the sound
of a word &
the grrrl of my dreams
it finally seems
wants me
and i can think of nothing
more
than her, naked, on my bed
am i fucked in the head?
as oh so many have said
so i may be depraved
so what?

{Quote for the Day}
"there is seriously something wrong with this counrty
when a persons greatest moment is the end of the day"

[digital repose]
blanket ashes on the ground
burned down all the things
that i found and kept around
so many titles, so little time
drunk again to forget my lines
such a jack n jill rhyme that i
well, i just about lose my mind...

{feckin hilarious}
i just did a google search for dirty pigeons and
this
came up


hahahahahahahahahahahaha

-bd

[pdx]
the sounds of this city
will
never leave
me
like the cold sudden
chill
of death

[sadness?]
the warm arms of my mistress
keep me from my
cold, dark, lonely nights

but i miss 'em

{excerpt}
them dirty pigeons
they are
lost in flight
and everythings fine
lost to her on a tuesday night
and everythings fine
once youre sure you can do no
wrong
if
everythings fine
& everythings fine...
you ll hang but deserved
(i dont need you)
cool hands from the dirt
(say you feel it too)
i know what you do
& i know its silly
come
back
to me...

[molded]
when the scarlet dawn flashes its first light
or when the girl you love first opens her eyes
does the the child inside scream out with delight?
or hold it back, hold it in; 'til he explodes
& dies?
never mind that painful beauty
pay no mind to that glory-light
will my voice, my words still die with me
if only my inner child dies?
when our dreams are but a memory
will our lives get folded back?
its been eight years relentlessly
knowing
all the things which i lack
the waters swell by the light of the
near-full moon shinning bright
will the moment come for truth?
feelings numbed and a heart thats dumb
(& still so young)
my life laid out as living proof
say you love me
say you do

[grrrr!]
knawed off at the ankles
but im still swimming deep
looking for that friend/lover
who wont abandon me
seems like theres more to this
seems so undeserved
so i close my eyes and whisper my prayers
and hope my prayers are heard

[balls!]
just manage to get things right
before the night closes in
to shroud me in darkness
once again
is she like me?
minus the apothecary side
are all hopes pinned to
the wrong sentimental thing?
shy away but keep going strong
because todays the day
whether im right or wrong

[a-okay]
i remain
as seasons change
everyday
the same but not
the same
i still remain
through dolls and dames
the joys and pains
through happy things
and horrors
and blame
i remain

...and i'd do it
all
again.

[something very...]
a rapid discharge of
cranial matter
smeared &
plastered
onto pressed bio-mass
shaped out and up
unto
canvas page
in
un-orderly
pollock-eque fashion
teetered on the brink
exchanged vows
with
the porcelin king
my throne
my home
and all
alone
sucking up airwaves &
spitting out
false
lines

[sleep]
still slightly lucid...just
enough
to write this down
she, lying next to me;
she,
tucked safely in dreams---
this life is better
than
any dream of mine
so i
dare not close my eyes
i'd rather be right here
right now
with her by my
side

[shaved]
was it mine?
or did we notice
was it alright?
or do we care
something hard
just came
before this
& now we're
peeling back
another layer

a million times
i called you
sweetheart
used to think
how do i dare?
now its early
do we ever notice?
& we're
peeling back
another layer

...just a thought...
i feel as though ive lost a piece of my humanity.
the constant bombardment of 'unfortunates' bumming
for change or a cigarette has worn me down. i now
find myself getting angry at them, hating them for
making me feel guilty. no where else have i seen
bums work so agressively. running across a street
to pounce on some unsuspecting target. coupled with
the sheer number of 'unfortunates' here in portland,
i am assailed, pursued, and beraided as many as four
times (but never less than once) in the six blocks
i walk to or from school. multiply that by two for
each walk (to & from) and add to that the assaults
i endure each time i go out for a cigarette each day
(whether at school or at home, i am especially a
target if i already have a lit cigarette) and i find
myself being hammered by bums sometimes more than
TEN TIMES A DAY!!! normal methods of avoidance like
not making eye contact rarely work. i have even been
insulted and cursed at by someone asking me for money!?!
in san fransico the pan-handlers have a smooth & more
laid-back system of bumming change. they congregate
around the haight street mcdonalds, starting drum
circles and jams up in the park and leaving just an
open guitar case or a bucket open for people to drop
money in IF THEY PLEASE. rarely does one find the
abbraisive and constant intrusion that we portlanders
are subjected to on a daily basis. in san fransico &
in los angeles (and in most other cities ive lived in)
i often gave a buck or two, or whatever change i had,
to an 'unfortunate'. i have taken quite a few out for
a meal. before i moved to portland i spent every holiday
season working in a soup kitchen. i used to feel a
great amount of sorrow for those who could not care for
themselves. i have listened to them, each with their
own story of sorrow and suffering. yeah, some are just
drunken wastoids. some have no one but themselves to
blame for their situation. but i wasnt looking to blame.
i just wanted to help. in the first three months that
i lived here in portland i gave out an estimated $200
in change and cigarettes! i am not a wealthy man, i am
not impoverished, but i am not wealthy. i cannot support
some of my own habits, let alone those of others. so
why should i feel such guilt everyday because of these
innumerable bums?; with their dirty faces, starving dogs,
tattered clothes, and lame excuses. i wish i could help
everyone who needs it. i wish i could hand out money
at will. but now i find myself closing up, getting angry,
losing my humanity, feeling guilty because I CANT.
some of the pan-handlers ive talked to in the past,
when i asked them how they do it...how they can ask
a complete stranger to give them money for nothing;
they have all answered, 'it doesnt hurt to ask'
well, i say to you now...all of you bums, pan-handlers,
vagabonds, vagrants, moochers, hobos, and unfortunates:
it DOES hurt to ask. it just doesnt hurt YOU.

*yes, i know writing a blog directed, in part, to homeless
people seems rather retarded...piss off, i needed to vent.

[peh!]
stop to be bothered
in the land of my father
shades of immeasurable grey
stop talking backwards and
feel free to move on
kept distant & removed
though
from you

hope you had a
happy birthday
babe

[words x]
what i cant say to you
is
everything
that i want to
held back by the fear
you wont like what you
hear
so
i dont say a word
about
everything i want to

[ricochet]
bullet-proof in my
self-deception
cant break away from my
vanity
too foolish to think
i am the fool
all too aware of
you



you make me feel this way
you make me feel
again
just when i didnt want to
anymore

[soon]
thoughts come too quick
sometimes
spouting out in fits
& ryhmes
bombarding my frontal lobe
with
mad designs
& thoughts
in overload
i cannot help these things
i know
too quick they come
&
so quick
they go

[her]
the fear
heavy mountain
the entire
weight of the world
here
in
the garden
my thoughts
return
to her

[orange soda]
taunt me, woman, with your
beauty
& words
speak of glorious unions &
true
blinding light
sasshay into picture
tease in a pose
i love how you tease me...
i love that you know

[ventilation]
breathe
a whole new life into
me
sterilized
so fresh & so
clean
a manifest
destiny
help me out of
purgatory
where my soul has wept
&
where it
bleeds
show me a whole new life
with traces of that vanquished
feeling
happy things
...
just remember
to
breathe

[coma]
learn to dream but
not
of dying
feel the weight when
its
all around
me
want to live if
its
worth
the suffering
just a day of
understanding

[dagnamit]
where do we go from here?
there'll be no fingers pointed
no vicious sneer
ugly, ugly words you wouldnt
want
your mother to hear
but where, o where my dear
do we go from here?
you've stated your reservations
and ive given up my
intentions
both still from fear
neither side wanting to get
hurt
but willing
to
maybe
try
a little?
:)
need some guiding light by which
to stear
figure out where we go
from here