[1/2-filled pages]
my zen-like mind & lover
have a past &
presently
have escaped this place
just to see
if
all the noises that seem to
really do
last for ages
as seen behind these
1/2-filled pages
zen-mind of mine &
lover, disinclined
she who is also
totally mine
but just wont believe it
they have set the stage
now
show me, dont laugh too loud
its not just me, but
i was made to see
like all the boys that
girls dont wanna make with
filling up
these
1/2-filled pages

[yeah...]
vapour kisses; chemical's there
suddenly vacant and feeling impaired
its long after midnight and
well past one's bed-time
bathing in light.
the brain fails to find
the right thing to say
ends the same everytime
everytime the same way
left to think
and to drink
drink it all away

[converting to alpha]
trained with the bi-optical off-
point-of-view;
as seen from the advanced state
of
mental decay.
install some ultra-sonic, anti-
sludge-proof
control-type devices;
proto-nuclear-powered
on my own radio wave.

//

i need to do this thing.
i gotta get up
& go;
leave with the tide.
when i was alive
last time
every step of mine had a spring;
every movement to a beat.
now i only have dead eyes.

the molecules surrender to
the force of all that
ever was,
ever
will be;
all i am, just because.
and if i leave before you,
remember please;
i was all that
ever was.

[nano-technology]
i have sailed the streets of long beach
as vacant as a shadow
i was the epitomy of---
madness! empty & hollow
seperate from the straight world
The Show
my boilers fueled by amphetimines
providing me with the all too neccessary
steam-clean feeling
& some much needed relief
from myself
succled in the street-light glow
took a back seat to a car
in tow
keeping my eyes on the road
a bottle of moonshine, a horseshoe,
and 1/2 a kilo of blow
flashing lights and big fucking guns
yer fucked!
stab with nails
decaying with rust
ashes to ashes, dust to dust

[polybicarbonate]
beg to believe in
'bout anything
really
anything real
atleast
that you might of
spilled
to me
big sack of sacrifices
sounds stupid
really
any word feels
atleast
like a weapon &
a shield; equally
anything can kill
i think
eventually

[i laugh at your big red x]
hey you
yer lame
and thats all the thought
you take

[totally]
hollow looks hurt most
from her
& too much can mean
too many things
forever too
dreams fade faster when held
too tight
just let go
now, go
battle scars from loving
gifts
tuesday never gave
two shits
lost alot when i
lost her
& too much can mean
too many things
tried too hard to
let her know
must let go
must let go
fading back to be
unknown
now go

[lust]
there is dawn out there
somewhere
speeding just beyond the horizon
it waits for the bare flesh
with harsh
magnifying lenses.
mistress of the-end-of-the-night
who comes but once
& then takes flight
do what you do
and when you do
you move.
me----?
sirred autistic artistic juices
concentrated
but 110% pure
CREATE!
music, poetry,
pictures with out paint!
its a wonderful, brand new day
come on lets sin,
says the saint.

[force of will]
what do you see when you look out on
the world
from the safety of that bubble
of your mind?
scent of fear for what is not known
& for what IS
known.
does MIGHT make RIGHT?
...as lincoln is credited
saying...
does the strong angry-man,
a mighty man with out an equal
in strength,
who over powers a girl
(weak & scared; young & naive)
a little girl on whom he
forces his will.
having his way with her
like a toy;
is this man a righteous man?
does his strength void the inherent
evil
of what he does?
no.
what of the government
who uses its armed forces
against its own people;
to mortally mark a gathering
of the people
by the people
& for the people;
stain the ground with the blood
of children
who dont understand.
all because they disagree
with the state of the nation,
supposed to be free.
where is the right
so honourably decreed as
the way?
is freedom not written as
all men being created equal;
with certain, unalienable rights:
life,
liberty,
& the pursuit of happiness.
living free & happy;
every body.
no imposition of
ideas or beliefs on you or others, by you;
welcoming opposition,
not silencing dissention
by force.
what is wrong if
this is right?
if might makes right,
i wanna be left.
look around
everybody
anytime;
hypocracy stares at you from
every where.

[get inside]
my body's not a temple
anymore
my mind is not as clear as it
use to be---.
and i passed out
at
your front door;
but im
two doors down,
-actually.

still,
youre not impressed that much by me {rpt.}

the morning, burning glory; burns
eyeballs set in stone.
pierce my eyes as i
let out a piercing scream---.
im trying, hard, not too think
& be
clever still.
consuming all this lovely
alcohol.

and your still
not all that impressed by me. {rpt.}

what does it all mean, pretty lady
tell me what really does it for you?
please, please, please tell me,
pretty lady...
i wanna get inside of you.

my heart, hear it beating? like a whore?
this is that
fine-line-re-al-(i)t-y---.
pluck & steal flowers for your car
from that neighbor that pisses
you
off.

caught
out on the lawn
spot-lights, & alarms
all coming on.
caught me
pee ing on the front
lawn.
my fly,
undone;
as bright as the sun.
tell your mother, your
father
just what i did.
butcher of flowers,
the boy who just
had-to-piss...
and just couldnt
hold it.

but youre still not all that impressed by me {rpt.}

[so]
you're oh so big
now
your mother must be so
proud
so in control
so mighty
so...!
...you know?
it must be so nice
to
exorcise
so much influence
so often
so that
those once deemed friends
say
'so long'
so often
so now this is the end
so what?

[high for the low-ball]
the tragic mind that wanders
round & 'round to the dark places
...while pondering empty spaces;
with a half-filled grin
eyes bright with the sin
of the moment; that never lasts forever.
for every chance taken
2 dozen, atleast, get left by the road
the waste that litters
a-n-y-b-o-d-y-'s
past
changing the future
whats forsaken
---become living proof to her!
make haste for the last thought
live & die
like a man.

[mulatto]
no ones answering &
the voices fill up my head
stomache turns & gargles
i pour another whiskey down
the old girl doesnt get
it
the new girl doesnt get
it
im the only one who gets
it.
black emptiness enfolds us
the stranger dies in your arms
another victim of a hard-knock-
life
and i
pour another whiskey down

[et tu]
birds in flight &
i'm
really flowing now.
ive gotthe 2nd sight;
ive got the mad
look.
screw in the corkscrew
as if to say:
"screw YOU, world"
when nobody wants or
needs you
its easy to disappear

[the unfinished garden]
run with the fury
run with the hunted
run your cold, dead fingers
thru my hair
goodbye, baby
i love you
always
still
night, calm; cold darkness
---open your eyes!
i made a deal with the devil
but
the devil, he lied
so i
run into the madness
run full speed into the night
run down days like
so many lines
i miss you, baby
always
still

saying goodbye
again
my
love

[mandala]
the star-body heat-lamp high over head
another fat, black fly feels oncoming death
old men pushing archiac machines down cratered streets
noise echos but is held by gravity
children in new clothes & wrapped safely in plastic
souls being fed like pollution & old habits
breathe in the air
of the last hundred years
liquid smoke leaves me blue, it shares my hue;
leaves my lungs and dissappears
the fat, black fly has found some back-up
a partner-in-crime; or maybe true love?
while the nuclear inferno rages on high above

[hindsight]
drunk on a rose
with its pedals &
leaves
still wet.
high as a kite
waking up
in your
lovers bed.
getting strung out on
the constant
embellishment ---
love, so surreal
&
true, fucking
happiness.
bound by the rules
& the laws known as
circumstance.
enjoy all you can
while you can, my friend
it doesnt last;
no one ever wins.

[bullet holes]
offer me a choice & i'll
certainly
pick to lose. anyway,
its like some dead man always said
'the monkey's only bothersome
until
he gets fed'
never quite knew what he meant
but i can guess
now.
a simple matter
now.
the picture lies in
tatters
strewn across the ground
the landfill
because i know you didnt recycle it...

SHIT!

!!!

threw out that heart,
true?
after it was painstakenly reassembled
in accordance to all the rules;
with old paint and glue.
just tossed it away despite
claims, nay
vows;
it'd be saved.
what does that say?
we are all sinners
nothing is saved.

[Buddah-mind]
om.
i wait
practicing
my patience.
let fate
decide
where it shall take me.
i meditate,
clear my mind of these
old things;
& feel bliss.
i wait
& exercise
my patience.
om.
om.
om...

[visions of boston]
a white pedal falls
down in a spiralling pattern
into the street in a path of pure beauty
amazing!
& then it gets pulverized
ground into the ground,
molecules merging with the asphalt
& concrete;
mashed like potatoes by the tires
of a young woman behind the wheel
in a very large automobile.
she is talking away on her phone
she dont pay for
like her car
or tuition
or anything really.
scored with the tread-marks of this
one-hit wonder-bra touting
female of anxiety
its pure, white glory
destroyed.
left to decompose, slowly
in a gutter.
so i sit in absolute silence
reliving & praising that fall
before it met
inevitability

i know how you feel...

[make]
wheels turning 'round as they
chew up the way down.
out along the coast in my
chariot that smokes gasoline
my mind
full of headache & im willing to pay
heart of mine
still slowly bleeding & yes,
it is bothering me.
im gonna go down to that
dirty border town &
boy, im gonna drink
im gonna drink, drink, drink
until i cant feel a thing;
im gonna drink, drink, drink
until it erases me.

[word]
remember The Word
& the dream that was shared.
binding in passion
&
relief that we weren't alone;
somebody cared.
how many times did we just
talk
away crazyness?
inviting the calm that
comes; it exists!
knowing that somebody else
gets
all of this.
so nice to feel, solidarity.
mutually assured.
that wonderful, wonderful
happiness
that comes from knowing
The Word

[unadulterated]
as we all sit and squabble over petty things:

yesterday
people died.
they died from bombs falling
out of they sky;
they died
from bullets aimed between
the eyes...
floods and famine are just
not enough?
i guess.
brother killing brother is
what we do best.
i have never killed another
man.
i am we the walrus sings
i am still human.
wars rage on
mothers will cry
& today
people will die.

[paraphrase of the century]
last night
i had a dream about this girl i know
& she loved me
& it was good
i woke up
with a sudden urge to kill myself
& it struck me
& i fell down
it was no longer a question of
'if'
but 'how'

[birds and girls]
sometimes feathers cannot keep you
but then again, he never needs you
so tired of crying that your
eyes feel like they're drained
remember outside in the rain?
i held your head
you gave me pain
i rip old wounds fresh again
everytime i remember them

[hoo-ah]
...a checkered noose
that true life stare
a bloody nose that doesnt care.
Holy Rollers---
Holy shit---!
this is everything,
this is it.

indescretion
still quite quite destructive
while very much
still
indispose.

[echos of heart]
cascading brow lines fall off my
dumb-struck face;
& the canvas sits empty:
a portrait of space.
life keeps on happening
every single day
& love happens quickly
then quickly goes away.
chlorinated water
that runs down the drain
there goes life wasted
with minimal complaint.

...better than to have it thrown away
in some dumb fit of rage
like pictures i made
& gave
and was told would be saved
always
and forever...
which from all ive experienced is about 2-3 months

[post-humerous response]
your thoughts --- tingled senses
& yer feeling quite reckless
you close with an off line
much louder than mine
louder than hers
louder than words
just a heart needing mending
but them dollars yer spending
could buy every line from here
to the moon
death is the last bastion
and it echos in your head
you cant really do it
so you kill off the feeling instead
it becomes mind over matter
and your mind's turned to batter
& nothing more need be said

[a shameless thing to do]
im timing the sunlight
y' fuse it together
run like a freight train
change with the weather
heartaches & heart attacks
a heartless expression
love is an alibi
but never a lesson...
dining on paper plates
drinking box wine
watching te ferris wheel
watching your eyes
canopy changes
hold on to that second
love is an alibi
but never a lesson...
cop to a new routine
patterns in clouds
mind still lies openly
while thoughts jump around
sweet chemical handgrenade
shows me whats missin'
love is an alibi
but never a lesson.

[branch]
as the nation breathes
as the city sleeps
on a holiday
or the seven seas
on a holiday
-is it picturesque?
did you ever think?
am i one of those?
i am only me...
back in budapest
in the county jail
smoking mary jane
skipping out on bail
didnt leave a note
couldnt read that well
wouldve thought you knew
that my love's for sale...
on a wing & prayer
in the family tree
didnt recognize
didnt notice me
if the past is lost
does it still repeat?
dont wanna think tonight
i just wanna be...

[blind]
into the twilight, the spot light
the long night-
driving.
wishing you were alright, no dead eyes
flying...
but the world sticks out its tongue
& you do too
and we swerve to the left-hand
side
while the memories cloud up the view
replacing memories
with wine.
off into the dark night, not alright
no foresight-
blind.

[the horse that is high]
puff, puff, baby...give
no second thought
to
the thoughts of the bad things
those memories,
forgot.
play the martyr, yeah
i'll be the demon.
i don't care anymore
even if you lie and think you do;
did
lie to yourself
lie to your friends
lie awake at night
think about the heaven
we had
that you threw away.

[be there]
a call to arms against
all tyranny
lurking in the shadows
& in the castles of the nation
rise up! all ye men of
honour
kill the whores that kill
your sons
your daughters
strike back for what you
believe
can be
fight the evil
reclaim your country

[ach-em!]
you think you've loved
well
um
excuse me
for seing past your lies
deceit
gathered up whats
um
left
for me
scattered notes
and
bits of saline
doesnt hurt 'till you
make me bleed
with the prescence of yours
truely
i abolish all that makes me
unclean
your love
your lies
the future
unseen

[i can see it all]
shards of truth in a
confectionary glass
aparatus.
the trust abused,
she says to you.
so i go and walk a mile
to walk it off and see my visions.
the hiways there, i know. but
still
theres something missin'.
the holy hand that passes up
when plague regrets;
you feel no love.
i wish i were a star that night
i wish i may...
i wish tonight.

[a moment of relapse]
love is lost despite
fruitfull labour
& still i find it hard to
hate her
falling back down my
evil ways
well,
time is money &
crime does pay...

feel alone
& im achieving
feel no love
only breaking
nerves are racked
anticipating
lying down
body shaking...
several moon's &
summers waiting
not surprised
sun is fading
loss for words
imitating
with my mind
masturbating...


seven times remember her
then push it from your head
& every time you loose a second
amongst the four post's of your bed
for seven years ive traced each sin
made martyrs of them all
in a bed
high above the streets
or
in a bathroom stall
maybe we could make it happen
if sex was all it was
loosing track of conversation
loosing the feeling,
love.

[you]
this is for you
you
know who you are
who spit in my face;
you stole my heart.
this love's now a burden
what once gave me wings
its flame once burned brightly
in your eyes
---yeah you!
& now i must keep
it
close.
i know you're out there
doing your thing
everynight
happy.
im glad your happy.
be
happy.
smile darling...

[ recovered memory ]
i get musical when i
think
of love.
i get cynical when i
think of what love does.
pulls you
inside-out
for all the world to see...
humming softly this
melody.
i got this song to sing...
i got this thing...
in me.
i may get whiney & i
may get
stale.
wash my mouth out
with a quart of ale.
im getting nervous, cant you see?
humming
all the while
this melody.
i got this song to sing...
i got this thing
'you see?
i got a song to sing
i got this thing
in me.

[words mk.IV]
bullshit! bullshit!
---scream aloud.
taste the dirt of this
hallow ground.
among the dead & the
mourning trees;
say The Lord's Prayer:
sing for me.
sing for me!
...i wish i may
i wish i might
have that solemn sleep
tonight.
in my dreams
love cannot die...
weeping angels no longer
cry.

[goddamn i am]
buck up!
be strong!
you say youre a man
well
then proove them all wrong!
take it
take it
all their abuse
those striking blows
and callous words too!
or dont
and we'll see
take one more step
set yourself free

Patron Saint of the Week
St. Dymphna

[balderdash]
back on the staircase
falling into
inebriation
nails in my shoes and
dirt under my nails
scatch me
make me bleed, again
do me
again
please?

[purgatory]
deep inside my eyes there is
me
not what is given; not what is stolen
the center of all that makes up
me
mind, heart, body, soul
i know that you've seen
me
and it is
me
you adore

~~~

watch the breathing of a dying man
ask him questions ---understand
offer more than a fucking blanket
simple conversation

[fault]
ultimate dynamo
speeding on roses &
antibiotics
matching wits with a
polar bear
who flames up, arthritis
the lemon twists in its
teeth
displayed awkwardly
fashioned in gold like a
worn
plastic model
cry when he sneezes
& laughter
sounds hollow

[atech-to-oh]
i...i hold my breath
i...i let my head, gently
drift
& then
i...i slowly dip
underwater
the oxygen inside my lungs
goes to my blood which carries
it
to every part of me
all my
extremities
the spaces deep inside of me
and my lungs want so much to
scream
this...this is living
underwater

[bullocks]
find the key to open it
the part of you thats been kept
locked up & away
all these many years
the hiding place of all them
feelings
the amazing
the fantastic
as well as all the bad ones
you didnt want them
so you said
but now you want them back again
all of them, and then some
the wonder
the beauty
of those everyday feelings

[that thing]
i thought i had a thing that was mine
but it left me at first chance
no matter how just slight of hand
it was what it was and is what it is
never taken back
never brought forward
never dealt with
never moved on

im sorry if i cant
but
then again im not
cant move on until the past is dealt with

[libre me]
trying hard not to think about
the state of the union tonight
how we live. how we talk. how we breathe.
the world at large is not the same
it is not the world i grew up in.
optimism is confounded by fear
fear that immobilizes us.
pulls the wool down over our eyes
while te rug is pulled out
from under our feet.

[bullshit-proof]
i thought i was safe from the prowling
eyes. the dog-like stare straight at me.
i thought i could hide from the womb
known as love. but the devil found its way, as
devils often do
give the Man his due---he kicked the crap outta you!
well, gosh & gee-wilikers, i must be
shaking in my boots. so now im
loose!---im free, but not really. i
still got this 'thing' hanging over me
i cannot escape this goddamn feeling
that one i tried to kill
with red wine and pills
& you know what?
someday i will!!!
if its the last thing i do

[fever]
sun falling down; fever rising up
killing aint so strange when its
only time you love
im no the Fool Who Thinks
but i definitely think too much
& my body starts to shake
...trying hard to cover up
drink to ease the pain
of all those ugly thoughts
i dont know what i can say
the devil's got my tongue...
sun falling down; and yeah i may give up
the only things i hate
the only things i love
trying hard now not to think
knowing that im fucked
i dont know what i can say
the devil's got my tongue...

[bing!]
stand on the pulpit
preach 'bout The Word
you who blame all sin
on girls
what am i supposed to believe?
an ex-nazi in rome
has God on the phone?
a meteorite in Mecca can cleanse me,
a sinner?
a God of rath; full of brimstone and fire
you all preach The Truth
but you're all just liars.

[bubble-gum queen]
trapped in
molecules that are travelin'
down your cheek; im drowning!
it feels good---so be it
that thing which keeps on needing
fall asleep; good feeling
hear that heart? its beating
beating on for...
...nothing
& no one
but you.
so,
breathe in!
take the time to notice
smile shines from deep in-
side
those lovely eyes. before this
gets to be a problem
---as love has always gotten
kiss me now 'cause
nothing
& no one
but you
makes me feel
only you.